Just feel lost

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

Simply lost, hiding in daily activities enjoying my free time away from him each day as he goes to work.

Is this what it should be like? Is it because of me? I read the posts on the forum and sometimes I just think the more I read the more I see myself yet some part of me wants to say no, don’t read, don’t compare, don’t bother. Hide. Hide your feelings, bury them, act, pretend, it will all turn out to be ok in the end.

Make an effort and wait and see.

I say that every day. I promised myself I would. But when he comes up with weird stuff…I do question his sanity. Not mine.

[Whathaveidone]

Everything that is wrong is him not you. I too enjoy the pockets of time I have to myself when I’m away from him either visiting my mum or running some occasional errands. I am a prisoner when I’m with him but I can’t compare my relationship with anyone’s else because 1) this is the only relationship I have ever been in. 2) I have lost contact with ALL of my friends and family 3) I can’t question or argu with him because he just goes off on one, comes up with excuse after excuse and then accuses me of behaving in the the way that actually he behaves to me.

I get confused and after every silly incident or ‘joke’, my mind just completely blanks it out. Probably a coping mechanism because I don’t know why I put up with s*** for these years, anybody else and I would have left ages ago (or would I because why can’t I leave this relatinship?). All I know is that I’m not genuinely happy and that’s not right. It shouldn’t be like this and I’m sure that applies to you too. It’s not you. It’s him.

[Ayanna]

I hope you can get out soon. x*x

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

Dear WhathaveIdone and Ayanna,

It’s decade upon decade that have done this to me. I know in my guts it is not me, it’s him. I have been able to look at some evidence (can’t say what) which right from the start was indicative of what was to come, but normalisation after that length of time is a coping mechanism I know all too well, yet like you WhathaveIdone I also do nothing about it other than try to make him ”see the light”! It all leads to arguments that turn against me, making me feel I am going crazy, making me blank the lot too. It is easier that way. So you build a different life in your head.

I met a new DV lady today and she explained things in a different way to the previous DV lady who looked after me before. She explained about what I call the ”bait”, ie doing nice things out of the blue or after an argument etc. Mr Right comes back, but there is a Mr Wrong lurking in the background whose nature is stronger. She explained about abusers’ insecurities. She explained about the sense of shame I feel at the moment. She understands why I won’t call the police or engage with SS any more. I blank them all out of my life but that is not in my favour. She was also helpful about telling me about Child Tax Credit, which may help me feel more secure about the future and my ultimate decision. Confidence is eroded whether I like to admit it or not, and under this outward impression I give to any one that I am hugely confident, there is no self esteem, none, zero, what happens to me is of no relevance to me any more. I stay because it is easier, maybe you feel the same, you have become dependent on your partner just as I have. I work out ways of coping, but it is not a life and like you I am not happy. From ”pockets of time” to calculating how much stress-free time I can have in a week and searching for things to do to get away with a valid useful reason like volunteering. He knows nothing about that and I am glad, I just do what I can. I just feel proud someone wants my skills and I gladly give them for nothing.

I build a life in my head but she said it is exhausting living like this, having promised myself not to open my mouth to give an opinion, a reaction, a expression of my feelings, she said it is impossible to live pre-empting all the time what is to come. But she acknowledged I would only be able to act when I am ready and I am afraid to say I declared it would be if he assaulted me again. That’s what it would take.

And when it comes to his insane remarks, especially the one about my faithfulness, I have come to blank that too. I actually feel utter pity for him and that in itself makes me feel ashamed. Very much so. I hate myself at the moment. But she also explained about how unsafe you feel for years even if you leave the relationship. That is also what I feel, I look at every man with fear, apprehension, disgust. I might as well stay with the man I know so well…

But you know for now, even if we feel unable to do anything about changing our circumstances, at least we can feel we understand so much about everyone who is in the same boat, reaching out for someone to share their troubles. I read so many horrific things on the forum…I am so glad I had a friend who indirectly ”saved” my life, she directed me to this forum and things started to make more sense. Everything I read, hear, take in, builds a bigger picture, and who knows if one day I will say enough is enough. We are so influenced by everything and everyone around us, family, friends, society in general. But as the DV lady said, there is a new law passed recently about domestic abuse, recognising it as a crime punishable by a 5 year sentence in prison. It’s just a question of building the evidence. And evidence I have plenty of now…Courage? I have none.

Please do keep in touch xx Bridget Jones

[Whathaveidone]

BridgetjonesIsFree, your post was very insightful and thank you for sharing what your DV lady told you. I certainly can see the “bait” situation, Mr Right in the forefront whilst Mr Wrong / Nasty is watching, waiting to attack. Over the past few days it’s been that way for me. He’s bought me chocolate (I love chocolate) taken to out to a ‘restaurant’ – I can’t describe in detail although I wish I could (although in the end he got irrated at me because the restaurant was closing and I kept apparently harrassing him to leave – I told him 3 times over a duration of 2 hours that we need to go because the ‘restaurant’ was closing – the particular ‘restaurant’ had packed away all the chairs and tables and we were the only ones left , it was so embarrassing but he was’ so focussed on his work’ I should have found a way to comunicate it in a calm way…blah blah whatever).

But he’s only doing these ‘nice’ things so that I stay. It gives me hope that he is a nice man and that his angry outburts are involuntary and he doesn’t mean to. And the cycle continues.

I also feel I can’t leave and am ashamed to say that I actually wish something terrible will happen in order to give me the strength to say enough is enough, I can’t do this anymore but I think he knows this so he deliberately only uses mind games, emotional control, sexual coersion over me so it all looks like ‘normal’ problems couples have in their relationships. This forum is helpful because I can’t really document everything he does to me and after all these years my mind blanks out the bad things just to cope and so I don’t remain in a depressive state.

I do hope that we can leave someday though. x*x

[Ayanna]

I hope you have enough soon, Bridget Jones Is Free. Find out how much he has to pay you as maintenance if you leave him. Maybe that can encourage you.
It does not make sense to live in an unhappy relationship and to suffer. He sucks every joy and all the energy out of you whilst you could have a party every day instead, if you were away from him.
Life is too short to let horrible people snatch it away from us. x*x

[Whathaveidone]

HealthyArchive, I can second that. How I wish I could turn back the clocks and had NEVER agreed to be in a relationship with this man. My life atleast would have been mine.

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