Just found the courage to report my abusive ex

[Dolly00]

I met my ex about a (detail removed by moderator) Quite quickly into the relationship there was red flags. I found out he had been messaging his ex girlfriend for (detail removed by moderator). Begging her to take him back. Apologising for how he treated her (similar relationship to ours) There were a couple of times I’ve questioned it. I got sent all the messages from his ex. When I came to confront him about it he denied it all! Even though the proof was there. He tried to blame it on the relationship I have with my daughters dad! This was the first time he got angry. We were sat in the car and he took my car keys and (detail removed by moderator). I then wanted to figure out why he did this. He had an excuse for everything his ex said about their relationship and the things he done. and it was always her fault. A (detail removed by moderator) after he had a few drinks he was being verbally abusive to me in a pub about my ex. How I’m leading him on etc. It carried on when we got home and he said some really awful nasty things. Putting me down telling me I had nothing, my job wasn’t good enough, I’ve got (detail removed by moderator), I’m a sl*g etc. I sat there for about an hour recording it all. The next day he apologised. I listened to him and he told me he suffered with depression. I supported him and even took him to the doctors so he could get some counselling. There were also quite a few lies after this. About drugs, we talked about his drinking and maybe thought this wasn’t helping the depression. He was getting counselling. Only had a few sessions and then stopped, saying it wasn’t really the counselling he was looking for. I found out he lied about being depressed to get some attention. I then found out he had messaged his ex again after he came home one night and lied to me about drinking. We were supposed to be moving into a rented place, where he was going to go on the tenancy as I was still living in mine and my ex partners home. After this I decided maybe it wasn’t best to move in together until I could trust him. A few months passed. Things were ok. Until my male friend came around (detail removed by moderator) He had to be here while my ex was here. The whole evening was so awkward and even my friend said it was clear he didn’t want him to be here. My friend left and my ex completely lost it. He was physical towards me, I ended up with bruises all Over my arms from where he grabbed me and pushed me to the floor. (detail removed by moderator) we had an argument when my ex came over to see his daughter. I think he was Jealous that he had (detail removed by moderator). He stormed out of the house making a hole in the wall from slamming the door against it.
We met up (detail removed by moderator) where he again blamed me and my ex. He feels like there’s more going on. I tried to reassure him, We spoke about it and he said he would try and move on from it. But my ex wasn’t allowed in house he had to stay in the doorway when he dropped off our daughter. The next day I then read a message on his phone from a girl he had messaged after we fell out! I confronted him about it and he swore they were just friends, (he had never mentioned her before) But he had deleted the whole conversation between them both which seemed like he had something to hide. He said I was crazy it’s all in my head. He rang his friend and was laughing at me on the phone while I was crying. He left (detail removed by moderator). I was in such a bad way. He made me feel completely worthless. I just couldn’t believe it was happening all over again. I thought about committing Suicide that night. I was then put on antidepressants, my (detail removed by moderator) help look after my daughters as I had small breakdown. I drank all day everyday for about a week and wouldn’t leave the house! I had some counselling which seemed to be helping with my anxiety! But it was about (detail removed by moderator) after we split I messaged him. I was so upset I missed him so much! But why? How can someone make me feel so bad that I end up on antidepressants and have suicidal thoughts and still love them and want to be with them? I found out he was still messaging her after I seen the message and we split. They spoke quite a lot. We ended up back together. There was also lots of other girls he was messaging. Things were ok until I found out I was pregnant! He then questioned whether the baby was his as it was around the time my ex was here. I even offered to pay for a DNA while I was pregnant but he said no I believe you! About a (detail removed by moderator) we had an argument and he tipped a drink over my head and threw a large (detail removed by moderator) at my face leaving me with a black eye. He tried to deny doing it and said it must have been me. All was forgiven the next day again. He was full of apologies. Time went on and I really wasn’t happy! He was so disrespectful towards me. Never listened to me and always used things against me when he could to make me feel bad. I honestly wasn’t sure if having this baby with him was the right thing to do. We had an argument one night about how I felt, I brought up about him messaging his ex and this other girl and he turned nasty. Told me he hopes I do get rid of the baby, I’m a s**t mum anyway. He rang his mum and said I was crazy and I need help! I was so upset! Why can’t he see how he treats me? I just couldn’t understand. I just wanted to help him. We split for a few weeks and he never bothered with me. It was always me reaching out wanting him to see he had done wrong. I was pregnant with his child. Unfortunately I did end up going ahead with the abortion! To which he said I was killing an innocent baby. He got upset. He said he would support me on the day. The next day I found out he had been selling and taking drugs, messaging other girls. How can I be going through something like that while he’s not even giving his pregnant ex a second thought? We tried working things out but the physical abuse got worse. He split my lip open in an argument. A few weeks later he pinned me to the floor knelt on my neck and poured a (detail removed by moderator) over my head. Again he says he will get help, looked at counsellors but he needed me to be with him to do it. The next time was probably the worst it’s ever been. Again after drinking quite a lot he got up and went to bed. I went up to tell him to (detail removed by moderator) and he completely lost it! He started strangling me and I kept begging him to stop, I told him he would be full of apologies and regret it in the morning! My daughters were asleep in bed which I kept reminding him but he wouldn’t stop! After this I was so scared about how bad it was actually getting. He would always talk his way out of this and make me feel it was my fault he done it! There was a couple more physical occasions after this. I finally split up with him (detail removed by moderator). (detail removed by moderator) I came home to find him on my sofa waiting for me to come home. Things escalated and he assaulted me again! I luckily managed to record him attacking me with voice memo. He’s now out on bail, not allowed any contact with me and can’t come on my street! Should I feel relieved? Because I just feel sad. I feel like I’ve lost someone I love so much. Knowing I’m not ever going to see or speak to him again really hurts. I feel like I’m grieving. How do I get through this? I see some of his things around the house and I just cry. I can’t get rid of them yet. This was quite long winded but I wanted to share all the occasions that have built up to this.
X*x

[KIP.]

Hello and welcome, I just wanted to say well done for reporting him, it takes courage but I can see you gave him chance after chance and sadly abuse always gets worse. It sounds like he’s put you through a lot in your relationship but you will still have to grieve for it, for the hopes and dreams you had. Google trauma bonding. That was my lightbulb moment. Cognitive Dissonance. Gaslighting. Abusers are liars. Dealing with an abusers leaves u feeling confused and in despair. Healing from Hidden Abuse, Shannon Thomas is a good book and Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. You won’t always feel like this so just be kind to yourself and take baby steps. Make sure you’re eating and keep hydrated. Try to rest when you can and don’t take on extra stresses. Talk to your GP. I was left with post traumatic stress disorder which needed counselling. He is not your responsibility. Have you used Claire’s Law yet to find out if he has a history of abusing women. Once an abuser always an abuser x

[Dolly00]

Thank you for your reply. It’s going to be very difficult but I know I’ll be ok. I’ve just got to keep strong and carry this through with the police. Thank you for those suggestions I shall look into them x

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