28th May 2016 at 4:36 pm #18175WanderingCloudParticipant
So I needed my marriage about (detail removed by moderator) weeks ago, he was clearly shocked and upset. Initially, we have worked the practical things out like me moving out, what happens to the business we own together, childcare, financial settlement.
I always knew that at some point there had to be an element of his unreasonable behaviour show but he has turned stage.
I have found a house to rent, this will be available in the next 2/3 weeks. Whilst we are still amicable, his emotional control over me has increased. It seems that he is now looking at me as some sort of stranger, as if he has detached all emotions from our relationship.
I don’t mean that in the way that I expect his to still say he loves me but he has started talking to me about continuing a sexual arrangement, he wants me to still have sex with him, even if he marries, even if I meet someone, he wants me as his mistress.
The thought is sickening but whilst I am still here, I feel bound to comply. Truly not at all because I want to but I am slightly frightened, it is as if he is tightening his grip on me and I can’t loosen it. I really don’t know how he will react if I say no. He has never hit me but can be extremely nasty. It is lichee has me under a spell, I feel frozen and don’t know what to do.
I can’t really put into words his coldness towards the arrangement. I am uncertain if this is ‘normal’ behaviour of a narcistic abuser?
I tried calling the helpline but they must be really busy.
Without giving too much away, I cannot just walk away from the business as I have equity in there, if he was forced to sell, he would lose the home, the business and I would likely someway with nothing.
28th May 2016 at 5:14 pm #18178AnonymousInactive
Hi Wandering cloud, What a brave move you have made, I know it may not seem like it right now but that initial step is supposedly one of the hardest. I would definitely keep trying the helpline and you always have the right to say no to sex and if you really feel you cannot, then maybe womens aid could help get you somewhere safe until the place you are renting is ready. There is a lot of talk on here of risks increasing when you make the break so be alert and if you can go sooner please do xx
28th May 2016 at 5:29 pm #18182SerenityParticipant
Hi Wandering Cloud,
My ex used to walk out, come back and say things like ‘If we split up, can I comeback for sex once a week?’
I used to be so confused about that, that I didn’t even dare start to analyse it. However, knowing what I know now, it is probably typical of a n********t who sees other people as objects, as things to utilise, not as people with feelings in their own right. So, his behaviour here only adds weight to him being an abuser and confirms it all the more.
Any normal man would respect you feelings of hurt and sorrow that one comes with a break up. They certainly wouldn’t still demand sex. This show’s that these abusers really do see us as there to serve their needs- and that what they miss when we aren’t around is having their needs met! Is he prioritising your feelings here?!
I read once that abusers look at us like they would a toaster or a kettle: something useful, something to use. This is our value. We have value only in so far as we ‘do’ things for them.
I hope you find the strength to not give in to his abuse and domination.
I agree that you need to be aware that the time before and just after you leave is the most dangerous time. Your partner might appear to be behaving cooperatively and reasonably, but there is every chance this is a tactic. He is being cool for a reason. Watch out for the cunning mind games and manipulation.
I too hope you can get away from him very soon.
28th May 2016 at 6:24 pm #18188Confused123Participant
His just trying to hold control over u, just say no. I think these men just have a tool loose in there head, my ex too said after 3 months from being separate we could always still have sex toghether even though I don’t want to be with him as we r satill married. I swear they just think of there own needs. say no
29th May 2016 at 10:32 am #18223Bridget Jones Is FreeParticipant
Can I sound blunt please? Is this man nuts?
If my husband asked me a question like that, I would seriously question his whole sanity level…
Sorry if I am hurting your feelings.
My own husband is trying to buy me back by doing things round the house and the garden. But I know he will eventually show his true self. Maybe he really loves me, maybe his insecurities are forcing him to do all those tasks to stop me divorcing, but no way would I ever be involved with him sexually ever again, even if I stay.
I just couldn’t sleep with him, let alone have sex, which by the way in my language is an expression we don’t have, we express “making love”, not have sex. We have no such cheap expression.
I cannot believe what some men are prepared to ask, and expect!!!
Run away…i think to him, you ARE sex, not a person. I find this sad, disgusting and humiliating. I think that is his way of keeping control over you. Sex is the most intimate act on earth, he is basically telling you he wants your body to satisfy his needs, and even be his mistress…
What flipping planet does he come from??? I would castrate the guy…
Sorry, I read your post and I feel like I am like Ayanna,
to the point! Tell him to s.d off.
All my apologies but this guy makes me fume!!!
2nd June 2016 at 8:48 am #18491livingonaprayerParticipant
Hi. My ex is similar. He has. Used every coercive trick in the book. Unfortunately I’m really struggling to go against him. He has become so clingy& although I haven’t given in to sex I still find..myself giving in to other things. The constant lectures which sound so convincing at the time wear me down. Lots of guilt trips because I ended the relationship. I wish I’d stuck to my guns from the start! I know saying no can be difficult but I wish I’d done that now! I have to live with him for a while till I find somewhere but I’m sending you hugs. Be strong! Lots of help & support on here. It’s so difficult. There men are only looking out for themselves! Makes me so angry! X
2nd June 2016 at 9:12 am #18496Confused123Participant
Continue to be strong and say no
2nd June 2016 at 11:40 am #18507godschildParticipant
Have to echo Bridget on this, he is wanting you to be an unpaid prostitute in asking this, a sexual relationship is part of a loving relationship, no way should he even think about this and as for wanting yo as his mistress goodness help the poor lady he moves on, a very very firm no is what I think is required.
Mine also tries to win his way back by doing things but as you say Bridget the true self will break through , I find as he sees it will not work , he gets frustrated and the cracks begin to show ., We have seprate rooms and no way woud I entertain anything physical unless he showed that he really meant business in changing
I do yearn for non sexual cuddles and comfort tho but resist it all as I know I would regert it when he turned nasty again.xx
2nd June 2016 at 11:59 am #18510SerenityParticipant
An unpaid prostitute- bang on, Godschild- as if we were merely an object. They are hideous.
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