Just got out!! New to this… help?!

[Celeanor]

Need someone to talk to….
I’ve just managed to leave my (detail removed by Moderator) year relationship with my abuser, who was previously my best friend.
I lost my partner in a car accident in (removed by moderator) and then my best friend was there for me and told me how he liked me, I trusted him. Especially as I knew him and he knew what I had been through.
We got together and this is when it all changed, he became nasty, we worked together and still do which is very frustrating. He would always argue when I would have to work with people he didn’t like , as it was all men at the company. So I felt I couldn’t speak to anyone and was miserable constantly. He used to start arguments if I would post on social media so I got rid of it all to save the arguments.
He was very jealous and always accusing me of cheating, when I never ever disrespected him! He would call me such horrible names, scream at me, push me, pinch me, punch things, make me out to be stupid and pick at my insecurities. It all just got way to much for me and I managed to finally leave one day. I always helped him with his debts, he had a gambling addiction I knew nothing about until I found out one day he stole (removed by moderator)!
After we broke up his ex ( the mother of his kids) told me that he would call her and ask for money, she fed his gambling addiction before I found out about this. (Removed by moderator). He never cheated, his ex confirmed this and I do trust her.
I now know why he accused me, because he was so guilty of doing things and lying to me all the time.
I can’t help but still miss him and love him because we did still have so many good memories. It’s almost like he was two different people, one side of him I wanted a life with forever, the other side I hated him and I didn’t recognise the man he was.
I feel so angry and hurt, how can someone that loves me do this to me??
I just feel very lonely, my mum lives (removed by moderator) hours away, luckily I have my (removed by moderator) that has given me a room to stay in.
I’m struggling with this lockdown, it’s been three days with no contact and I feel so proud of myself but I have no one to speak to and feel I need support and perhaps a distraction??
Help … and opinions please.

[Sunshines]

Welcome
You will need to talk openly about this to heal. So talk on here.
Your very strong well done for getting out ! It is hard and sometimes these relationships take years and decades to break off.
Sorry to hear about your ex before him sounds absolutely heartbreaking.
Try to be alone to heal for a while he’s probably sensed how vulnerable you were.
I was vulnerable in a completely different way to you I was a single mother with a child with no father so I was vulnerable too. These men choose us because of our kind, giving nature and vulnerability.
I also have been abuser badly for (detail removed by Moderator) years I’ve broke the relationship off and I’m early days in too.
I’ve gone through a catalogue of emotions.
And you will too I had nightmares the first week.
Im very angry this week, my moods change a lot.
Focus on relaxation nice bath, book, favourite meal.
Then I’ve started thanks to the ladies on this forum started to educate myself on abuse. Lundy Bancroft why does he do this? A book to look for.
It’s on its way to me.
Most of all rest and let go of the drama
Enjoy the calm x*x

[Celeanor]

Hi,
Thanks so much for the reply. I agree with what you’re saying 100% , I think I never grieved fully for the loss of my partner and like you said, my ex caught me when I was most vulnerable and took advantage of me completely.
I’m so sorry that you’re going through a similar situation, but also thankful we can chat and help eachother along the way?
My emotions are the same like you, and I also was having dreams every night about him. This week I have felt more anger towards him, which is better as it makes healing feel a little easier.
I will have a look at this book.
Thank again, take care. My messages are always open if you want to chat any further x

[Anonymous]

Hello and welcome
Well done for getting out and for going no contact. No contact is so important when dealing with a n********t. It’s hard to do because n**********c abuse leaves a trauma bond (I’ve only recently learnt about trauma bonding through this site but it helped me understand some of my confusing feelings) The Lundy Bancroft book is very helpful. I also get value from a book by Pete Walker called Complex PTSD from surviving to thriving. It helped me understand myself a little more and helped me grieve as part of healing. If you’re in contact with Womensaid look into the freedom programme (I haven’t started it yet) but I’ve heard it’s helpful and provides an opportunity to connect with others in a similar situation. It might help keep your mind distracted and ease feelings of loneliness 🙂

Keep being kind to yourself – you’ve been through such a lot.

Well done for reaching out and take care xx

[Celeanor]

I was doing well, until I had to collect the last of my stuff from his flat (detail removed by Moderator) and seeing him I just crumbled and just miss him so much still and look at him and think of all of our happy memories. But I need to be strong and remind myself the reason why I left! I keep seeing the word “ trauma-bond” come up but haven’t really read much about this.
I will 100% look into this book, I’m not much of a reader but I will happily do anything that may help me along the way and will keep me distracted.
Thank you so much for your response, I hope you’re keeping well and positive xx

[Camel]

You’ve been incredibly strong so far. Sunshines is so right when she says enjoy the calm. At first it can feel oppressive, too quiet, you’re on edge. Then soon enough you’ll realise all this time is yours to fill, to do what you want, to do nothing at all, to come and go as you please, to put yourself first (because there’s no one else to think about), to eat what you want, wake up and sleep when you want. Truly, this time is BLISS after the emotional racket you’ve left behind.

[Celeanor]

Thank you so much! You’re so right, it’s just getting through the first few weeks and months but I know I am on the right track and I can’t wait until I feel completely free again. As I feel like for the past couple of years I just been trapped. Still miss him like crazy but that’s normal when you love someone. I don’t expect my emotions to change straight away.
I just need to be strong and remind myself of the reasons why we aren’t together and luckily there is plenty of those.
I hope that you’re keeping well and strong.
Take care of yourself and thanks again for reaching out to me! Xx

[Camel]

I’m doing ok thanks. I was lucky as I realised what I felt for my abuser wasn’t love. It never had been. He was a predator and I was the prey he literally hunted. I didn’t notice at the time but years later I see how he kept popping up, was always THERE, even outside my house once. Creepy.

Anyway, enough of me, went off on a tangent sorry!

I was going to say that love is a funny emotion. It messes with our brain chemistry. I hate the see-saw of emotions, the high highs and the plunging lows. I’d rather have a square or two of dark chocolate to be honest. Remember the lyrics – I’ll do anything for love, but I won’t do that.

[Celeanor]

Well I’m glad you realised and you didn’t fall into his trap. Wow that does sound creepy.
Don’t be silly you can never talk to much about yourself, that’s what this is for. I’m here to listen if you ever want to rant.
It sure is a funny thing, love can be the best feeling ever at times, if it’s with the right person. But when you come across men like these they just make it horrible for all of us.
Hahaha I think I’ll agree with you on that one, chocolate over men.
I like that song, lyrics are very good. Will remember them for sure.
Thank you xx

[Author]

Posts