Just had another abusive letter!

[Starlight]

I am just so distraught right now. I was just starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and feel a little bit more human and I have just opened a letter which turns out to be another abusive letter from my ex. I thought this was behind me. I was stupid to believe that it was. He called me from a number I had not blocked and we ended up having a civil talk and he said he would not send me anymore of these abusive letters or contact me every again. It all sounded too good to be true. I thought he was telling the truth and he still claimed to care for me and everything. I felt so much better after that conversation and thought he meant it and I didn’t cave in and take him back as he was asking me too. Now today, just less than a week after that, I receive this abusive letter in the post with all the worst abuse in every aspect of my existence, belittling me to the core again.
Why does this keep happening to me. First the abuse, then an apology and again abuse. This has gone on for months and months now.
I feel so awful, so low, so worthless. I am thinking he is right and I am this awful person because I left him so many times this year, but I just couldn’t take it any more. Overtime he talked me into taking him back and within a few days he is doing it all again. Surely this is not normal behaviour. Am I the one that should be more accommodating as he says, listen to him more, be more accommodating?? I thought I was turning inside out for him. Putting him before my children, myself. Why do I keep getting this from him. What is wrong with me and men? This is the story of my life. I am so full of all sorts of emotion. I just want to be left alone to pick up the pieces of my life. 🙁

[Falling Skys]

Hi Starlight

Best thing you can do is give the letter to the police. xx

Its awful hes continuing to abuse you, you are not in the wrong its him don’t let him bully you to go back to him.

What I finds helps me is to make a plan in my head of what I would do if he did it again.

Mine would ring and text me while I was working. And though condition to answer back, I made a plan that I would only text back once during work hours. Now we are not together its zero tolerance. I know if we talked I would end up being manipulated.

Maybe you could think as soon as I recognised his voice I would put the phone down, but log everything.

It will end xx

[KIP.]

Hi Starlight,

Just wanted to send you a hug. Dealing with abusers is impossible. They just don’t think the way we do. He was playing mind games with you. They get a huge kick out of it. It’s all part of the control they want to have over us. I cannot stress the importance of no contact. If there is no contact there are no mind games. Mine went from begging to threatening to blackmailing to hatred to pleading to violence. They will try every trick in their book to hurt or hook you right back in. Can you try total no contact. It really saved my life. Block every mean he has of contacting you and if you feel you can report him to the police, that may help keep him away. Engaging with abusers sucks the life out of us and they thrive on any contact. Stay strong. Thinking of you. I’ve been where you are but now I couldn’t care less about him. He cannot affect me and I can’t think what I ever saw in the lowlife pathetic little man. Hopefully soon you will see the light too. It’s only when we feel nothing for them can we be completely free. Keep pushing forward❤️

[Starlight]

Thanks so much Falling Skies and KIP. I have blocked him in every possible way. I don’t contact him and he cannot contact me, unless he posts letters to my address, which I can’t stop or calls from another line like a landline that I don’t recognise. If I hear his voice I do put the phone down, so he has stopped that. Its just the letters now. I am going to take all these letters to the police as soon as my children at back at school next week. I was apprehensive about doing this as not sure what the repercussion would be, but I am at my wits end now. The emotional roller coaster of hell is what he has put me through. I like your comment KIP about lowlife pathetic little man…. thats exactly what he is lol! thanks for the support ladies. Where would I be without you all

[Daisy]

It’s Harassment starlight, hopefully a visit from the police pointing this out to him, will make him stop and if not, he will face the consequences.
Tell them what you have told us, this is repeatedly making you upset and anxious,
Sending you a hug
X x x

[Lisa]

Hi Starlight,

I just wanted to show you some support. Sadly in your first post you have cited the very nature of the cycle of abuse- abuse, apology, abuse… Only you can break the cycle and that is by having no contact. If he phones you from a number that isn’t blocked then you could not answer it. If it from someone else and an important call, they will leave a message. You can tell him you will no longer be reading his letters. When they arrive then you can put them on your fire or shred them as soon as you receive one or if you wish to know the contents then I know some ladies here give them to a friend to read first and that friend can relay any tiny crumbs of important information that there may be hidden in beneath the abuse. If in error you answer the phone and it is him, a simple, ‘I am not prepared to speak to you, if you wish to contact me please speak to a solicitor’ is all you need to say before hanging up the phone. Proper no contact is hard, but it is effective and will allow you to regain control of your life.

You are a lovely person and he is an abuser. You have done nothing wrong and you and your children deserve to live in a life free from abuse and I know you will. Get plenty of help and support from here, the helpline and your local Women’s Aid group. The freedom program could also be really helpful to you.

Have a very happy and abuse free 2016!

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Serenity]

Hi Starlight,

Court is over for me and my ex is still trying to send me letters- despite him having had an injunction for a year previously.

Nowadays, the letters go, unopened, in the bin.

Persons capable of abuse have a malformed conscience. Normal people’s consciences stop them from behaving in ways that destroy others.

If an a user is nice for a period, or claims he is remorseful, you can bet that the motives are selfish. They are not for your well-being. They are for his need to control you again, to get you close so he can ‘slap’ you all over again, and continued contact enables this disgusting cycle to continue.

Look at the letter as black and white evidence of the horrible person he is. Remember the letter is full of lies: he is projecting his own faults on to you.

As lovely Flowerchild used to say, who used to post on here, listen carefully to what your abuser is saying about you: he is revealing things about himself.

Don’t believe any of his lies. Don’t internalise his garbage.

My last letter went unopened in the bin- and I even spat on it first. That is all it deserved.

Hugs X

[whizzy11]

Go to the police. I was petrified of what would happen but he stopped the contact and now has a new girlfriend (poor her). You don’t have to even open them just keep them and pass them onto the police.

I wish you the best, it’s draining avoiding someone so persistent

[Starlight]

Thank you for your advice Whizzy11. I am petrified of what would happen if I do go to the police. Not sure what line of action he might take. More abuse..blackmail, contacting others. He has in the past contacted both my ex husband and ex partner and discussed me in a demeaning way and then later through it in my face. It wasn’t that I had done anything wrong, just that I had been in previous relationships and he wanted to proove to me that he had checked up on every detail of my life and told me things that proved to me he had done so. He is so jealous and insecure about anyone I had previously, even though it was before he was around and made me pay for that in the form of interrogating me on a daily basis. It got so bad, I started getting panic attacks and anxiety. If I never answered he punished me, if I did answer he punished me. I was d****d if I did and damed if I didn’t.
He apparently now has a new girlfriend too, he met her apparently the day we split up?! I think it must of been before, but like you say….poor girl!

[katielove]

It may an idea to contact the police and explain your circumstances and that you keep getting letters that upset you. They could give you some advice and at least something will be logged. I know that I wished I had done that before it all grew totally out of control.

In the end, I gave all the letters to the police and it felt wonderful – I had handed it all over to someone else. They were no longer my problem.

xx

[Starlight]

Thanks Katielove,
I am going to do just that tomorrow. I cant risk it getting much worse so going you lig it with them.
I will feel so much better too.
Xx

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