Just having a bad time…

[new survivor]

I am really struggling at the moment and just do not know where to turn. Everything seems to go round and round and still do not seem to be getting any further.

It has now been months since I got the courage to end my abusive marriage and just feel that things have not moved on. I walked away from my marital home as could not cope with the fact that he had been with another person in our bed and then when I spoke to him about it he said that it was my own fault and that he hated me that much he wanted to hurt me. He then said that I had brought it on myself and he was teaching me a lesson to hurt me.

He keeps saying that he is buying the house from me, but nothing materialises and he has not proved to me that he is getting a mortgage. He keeps saying that it is being sorted but has put a block on me speaking to anyone who is dealing with it and will not give me names to get the conveyancing sorted out. He keeps saying that he has to get it sorted and that he is buying it. We have got to this point before and then he has turned around and said that he cannot afford it and then tried to put it on the market but he put the stops on saying that he wanted to keep the house.
I just do not know how to get around it as I cannot find out any information and he is dealing with it.
When I ask him questions he says that he is too stressed to speak about it and that I am putting pressure on him.

He is also stalling on the divorce. He now has had the papers for months and is refusing to acknowledge the divorce. He asked for changes to be made and that he would not agree if I did not agree to pay the costs as it is me who wanted the divorce. I have agreed to this but still nothing is happening and he is not responding to the solicitor. Again he is saying that it is my own fault that it has cost me more money. When asking him to be reasonable as it is him that has cheated on me, mentally abused me and emotionally abused me he said that it is my own fault as I was not good enough as a wife and that I made him do all he did to me because I was a failure as a wife just as I fail at everything in life. He keeps going back to the that I am not good enough and that I deserved what I got because it was my fault that he was depressed and had suicidal thoughts.

It just keeps going around and I am feeling extremely down with it all as well as stressed which caused my chronic fatigue to kick in. I am in agony with my legs all the time and even got to the point where my legs collapse under me and just feel exhausted all the time. I get upset really easily and am constantly feeling stressed out.

I worry as have been told that if I keep feeling down and thinking about what I have been through that I will cause the few people who are friends to run away from me and not want to have anything to do with me. I have very few friends and have been dealing with this a lot on my own as they do not want to know. I have been told, just get on with it and think that you are out of it now and that you need to forget about what you have been through and start to live and be strong and learn from what you have been through.

I just feel very alone at the moment and just want to feel that I am not stupid for feeling how I am and feeling very low and vulnerable.

[Serenity]

You’re not stupid for feeling low.

I have chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia too- I am sure due to the abuse- though it’s much improved since I got away from him. My legs were a wreck- painful, lumpy..abuse certainly takes its toll.

Your partner sounds like my ex: they don’t get that a relationship should be exactly that- a ‘relating to each other.’ They think it should be is doing all the giving and them doing all the taking. They think they are entitled.

They are like vampires, zapping is of energy and health and resources. And when we can’t give any more, when our body and minds are emptied, they dump us and find a new victim.

You don’t need to give in to his sense of entitlement. It’s not up to him to dictate who gets the house and when. He might believe it’s up to him, but that’s his own deluded interpretation of reality.

I’ve been exactly where you are.

My advice is to call up tel or three solicitors and ask them for half an hour free advice, which many offer. This will set the ball rolling. This will set the foundations for you starting to fight for your fair share and your own future.

He won’t budge. If he intended to have gone, he would have gone. He wants to keep you in limbo. These abusers don’t see us as seoeeste from them, or that we have our own time limits or rights. They think everything should follow their agenda.

Well, they all need a wake- up call. You have rights, you have a voice. What he says doesn’t necessarily have to go.

You could gain invaluable advice from the free sessions. As I did.

We are all here for you in your journey.

Remember, he might believe he is all-powerful and all -important, but you don’t have to buy into his sick drama and play second fiddle. You don’t need to be a submissive extra in a play where he plays lead role- you can fight back and be a protagonist in your own right! X*x

[new survivor]

Thank You for your message Serenity. It really helps to have support and people who understand what is happening and how I feel.

Thank You for your advice.

The chronic fatigue is massively at bay at the moment almost as bad as before I left him. It is the exhaustion and the battle of carrying on with everything that needs to be done on a daily basis. My legs keep on giving way at the moment with all the pressure from what he is causing as well as maintaining a full time job.

x*x

[Confused123]

hey hun

im very disappointed in your friends attidue , it just goes to show people do not understand abuse , been abused totally throws u off guard, the tiredness is a naatural thing that follows as they totally drain us out. Ignore your ex words that u deserved all this, he is clearly annoyed that u walked away but not showing it , who do these men think they are, telling us we failed as wives, when reality is they failed as husbands and need other ladies to boost their egos . u do not deserve none of that treatment. well done firstly for getting out, up your vitamin does to help you with your fatigue, call women of rights they give free advice too whcih is really helpful, i find a lot of solciitors give free legal advice at women centre,. his clearly avoiding you and avoiding the sale of the house so you cant move on, who cares if his getting stress out and feeling the pressure, men like this only get sorted out by solicitors, yes it will be costly but this is how they get put in place and how u get a result. get free advice to see on what basis you can approach this situation then hire a solicitor.

continue to get support for yourself, always ask for support of us ladies on here we always try an d help as much as we can and we can really relate to the abuse

[new survivor]

Thank You confused 123, it is really helpful the message that you have sent through.

I am glad that there is a support network on here and there are always people who respond and offer help and support.

I tried to speak to one of my friends the other evening and they were so unsympathetic and just did not want to listen and said that they keep on hearing it. Yes they may have done but they have not experienced it and do not know how hard it is at times. It is not just dealing with the everyday it is trying to overcome the years and years of abuse which have been through and just wish that there was something that I knew about where I live to be able to speak to others who have been through abuse as like on here they will understand and will be able to help

x*x

[White Rose]

Hi there
Yes messing you around which is ongoing abuse. He won’t do anything you ask until he’s ready.
My advice is to do as serenity said and get a solicitor to advise (you’ll get a lot of help from the free sessions!) and also consider taking one in to sort divorce and finances.
Try to keep positive – it’s like wading through treacle with a crocodile snappung at your heels but you will get there. Keep posting whenever you want x*x

[Finallysomethingclicked]

Hi new survivor

I can’t really add anything that the ladies above haven’t already said but
I just wanted to show my support and to show you your not alone.
Keep posting it helps.

Big hugs
Fsc ❤️

[new survivor]

Thank you for all your comments. It means a lot to me to have your support.

I am having a really bad day today and just feeling really upset. I just want to curl up in a ball and hide away.

I just do not understand it at all and all the pain that I feel.

I just want to come out of the big dark hole that I am in and like you said is like being in a puddle of treacle that you are trying to get out of.

All I think of is what he did, how he treated me and that he has made me feel isolated. I just wish that I could feel better and that the fatigue would go away. I will take the advice though and speak to people.

I have been trying to build up the confidence to call women’s aid for a few months now to get some help and support but everytime I go to do it I lose confidence. I just wish I had someone who would sit there and help me through it and help me to not lose faith and confidence in that I will be judged for everything that have been through and that it will show that I am at fault for it all and that I did bring it on myself.

Thank you to you all

x*x

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi new survivor,

I felt the exact same, absolutely extreme pain like I’ve never felt before after leaving for the first month or so. Then gradually I started to feel slightly better. It’s not easy by any means and I’m not long out but I am not crying as much at all, have reconnected with old friends, have started to do things I enjoy again and am no longer in extreme pain. You will be ok, you won’t feel like it now, and it’s ok to curl up in a ball and have a good cry. Your ex sounds highly abusive and it’s absolutely understandable that you will be feeling awful right now, after all the abuse that he tries to continue to do as you divorce. In time though you will be ok, and the pain will transform you in strength and wisdom, and you will be free of him to live the life you deserve.

What is stopping you from ringing the number? You have just as much right as anyone to call, be heard, be supported. When I rang the number they were amazing, I felt silly even ringing as I didn’t even think my ex was abusive (I was confused and in denial) but for some reason I rang them and they confirmed that he was highly abusive and helped me enormously in the next steps to take. They give you a caller ID too if you ring up again so you don’t have to go into it all again with a new person.

Is there a friend or colleague you can ask to sit with you when you call? Failing that, imagine us all sat next to you when you call. We are sat next to you in the digital realm.

When I left I called every number I could find about domestic abuse and begged people to help me as I was desperate, and they were all amazing, I barely know who I called now, but I’m glad I did as I now have a support group, a local DV worker, and have been attending a DV course. It has been a life saver and really helped me so much. Please call, call, call and get the help that is there waiting for you to access it, you won’t regret it 🙂

[new survivor]

Hi sunshine rain flower,

Thank You for your message. I appreciate your support.

I just get to the point each time that I am going to pick up the phone and think I just cannot do it. I feel that there are people who are worse off than me. I know that I need to do it and wish the people on here were there as know that they would help me to get through it all. The sad thing is that my friends have neglected me since I ended my marriage 🙁 they have not been there for me at all and when I have seen them which is once they slated me for bad choices which I have made in life. It was horrible and was like going through the abuse all over again. There is not anyone who I have who would do that, I have been going through all this on my own and just trying my best to get through all that I can and getting through each day. It makes me feel so sad when I think about it as I am always the person who they come to when they need something and will go running as soon as they ask but none of them have helped me or asked if I am ok.

I just feel that I need some kind of help. I see my councillor and that helps but also to speak to someone about what I have been through and to get an understanding that it will get better.

I am just sooooo tired with it all and the exhaustion is excrutiating as still need to get through work and everything else that needs to be done. My legs just keep feeling like they want to give way, which is linked to my CFS.

Any help or advice anyone can give me to help me get through this time. My ex is being so difficult and has now said that if I do not take off the financial agreement charges he is going to go for my pension which I have a significant amount to his nothing. I have worked for mine and built it up and he sees those money bags. I know that this is another way of him trying to have control over me. He is also messing with the house and saying that now something else needs to be done before can say when it will complete. It is making me so stressed out and upset, I am really in myself at the moment and just do not want to do anything. I keep crying and when not crying I am just so exhausted but am unable to sleep as my mind is so busy all the time with thoughts of what he could do next.

Thank You to you all for listening to me go on and for being there. I just cannot wait for the break which is coming up at the end of the week and time off to be able to try and sort things out and rest.

Sending hugs to you all

x*x

[mummy]

Hi there,
I have read all the posts on here and havnt much to add other than call womans aid even if u don’t feel like u can talk they will be on the end of the phone to support u. When I first called I felt ashamed and stupid I didn’t want to admit I was in an abusive relationship and wanted the world to swallow me up but in time u will find once u get the help aduce u need u will be a stronger person. It is so difficult for people who havnt been through what we have to understand and be sympathetic as in there eyes they just think if it was that awful why stay but like I say unless u have lived it u will never understand why u stay and what the effects of doing so are. I have made friends through the freedom programme as I lost many through my abusive relationship and those I have gained now I see regularly. As for finances it’s the last thing he has to control u with so he will prolong and playgames as much as he can. Seek legal advice and see what u can do from there. Hopw this helps x

[Ayanna]

Have you called Rights of Women or been to the CAB?

He is an awful man and tries to abuse you further with his disgusting behaviour.
Do not believe anything he says about you.

[new survivor]

Thank you to you all.

Got the letter from the solicitor (detail removed by moderator). It is horrible and fire fighting all the time.

I am just so exhausted with it all and fed up of being upset

X*x

[Lisa]

Hi new survivor,

I’m sorry to read how you’re feeling, however it’s understandable that you’re feeling this way, because your ex is continuing his emotional abuse and coercive control. It’s utterly exhausting to go through this, whilst also trying to manage day to day life.

I just wanted to add to the lovely replies you’ve received above. Regarding calling the helpline; you deserve to access support just as much as any other survivor, what you are going through is serious and real. We receive lots of calls from women in similar situations, for example, ongoing abuse after the relationship has ended. The helpline workers are experienced and will help you through the call if you’re feeling nervous. You don’t have to give your name and you won’t be obligated to ‘do anything’, it’s purely for support and information.

Alternatively, for some local support you can contact your local domestic abuse service and and ask if you can get a ‘one to one support worker’ and/or attend some group recovery programmes. Both could be really valuable in helping you through this.

Kind Regards and keep posting,

Lisa

[Confused123]

Hey Hun

Hang in there, any letter from the solciitors is enough to set us off in tears and feeling low, dont think your alone, we are here to support u as much as we can. Im the same when i have any communication relating to the divorce, feel like im am been rippped apart, bloodpressure goes high and just feel so defeated, with support of these loveley ladies on here and from myself i force myself to get a grip, if i need to cry i just actually cry first, have a cry to my mum after as wellabout about how tired i am of fighting , sleep and then i pull the paper work out again and deal with these two abusers of mine.

You say u cant phone the help line, i say to myself call women of rights daily for advice and u know what i find a million excuses to call later, just to avoid dealing with the hurt, we have to face the pain to get to a solution. That call will actually help you so please makae effort to call, even leave voice mail message and they wil get bk to u, if u dont hear from them within 24 hours call again the next day, here for u to support u

[new survivor]

Thank You to you all for your support over these past days.

It means a lot to me knowing that there are people that I can speak to on here about how I am feeling and to have people who understand what I am going through and to not say just get on with it and get over it as it is now in the past.

I am going to take your advice that has been given.

I have spoken with my solicitor and just trying to get things moving now but he is still being hesitant with it all and trying to keep that control ball swinging his way.

I saw him (detail removed by moderator) with his new girlfriend and he completely blanked me as if he had not seen me but looked straight at me. This is the girl who he had cheated on me with and then said that he had been at home. Is one lie after another with him and then tried to pull the card that he had been feeling really down. It then started a catalogue of thoughts and was he already seeing this girl? Was it more than he said it was? It just all opened it back up again with what he has put me through and makes me feel so sad, and angry at the same time.

I just have so much pain right now and keep putting on a brave face so that people think that I am ok although deep down inside I am hurting so much. I am sat here upset as I am writing this post as the can of worms has been opened again.

I look at myself and think that it is bad to feel like this with so much going on in the world that is bad and seeing the world this week and how everyone has been affected (detail removed by moderator)  has been hard especially with little ones who are struggling to understand what is happening and worrying are they safe.

I just want him to stop and to realise that he has hurt me enough now and that he needs to give me what I want.

I just want something to look forward to in my life and to be able to feel strong again.

Many thanks to you all for your words, support and listening to me. It means a lot to be able to speak about how I am feeling on here and to have people who understand what we feel.

x*x

[Confused123]

hey hun

dont be hard on yourself, just cause you are putting a brave face on , u r still alllowed to hurt and process it all. For me i did same put brave face on and in private tried to work out what had happened, i was in so much denial i cant tell u , i had to read a lot of books on abuse and take counselling to understand that i had been abused to a high level.

They are full of lies, just be happy u r out and next time u blank him

[Author]

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