Just, help…

[Belle250]

Following on from what I now know was a domestically abusive relationship; very much mentally as opposed to physically I’m massively struggling.

My (ex) partner was forcibly removed from our home after his arrest and he wasn’t allowed to contact me for 28days. This was all done without my consent, the matter was taken out of my hands by the authorities because he had attacked me (detail removed by moderator) and it was reported.

I genuinely wasn’t aware that it was an abusive relationship, my partner has been jealous and controlling since day 1, it wasn’t something that he tried to hide so I was well aware of that side of him but it didn’t bother me.

We were planning our lives and future together and then everything was turned completely upside down, my life was torn apart and not by choice. That choice was taken away from me.

I miss him everyday. My mental health has taken a massive hit, I’ve (detail removed by moderator).

Despite what I’ve said above, I am a rational and logical person, I do know the difference between right and wrong but I can’t see this clearly.
I can’t get the part of my brain that knows this isn’t ok to help me understand and move on.

The 28 day order has come and gone and I haven’t heard from him – a “normal” person would be saying great! I’m not!
I’m upset that he hasn’t tried to contact me and if I’m being honest I’m hurt that he hasn’t.

I literally don’t know where to turn to for help. I feel like I’m crying out for help but nobody will help me. My GP’s solution was to heavily medicate me but that’s not a solution for me, especially when I (detail removed by moderator)!

Any advice would be very much appreciated because I genuinely don’t know how much more my mind can take.

[KIP.]

Hi Belle, I know what you’re going through and it’s utterly horrendous. Do you have support from your local Women’s aid? Have you read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Google trauma bonding. It was my lightbulb moment. Abuse creeps up on us and becomes our ‘normal’. When you say it didn’t bother you, that’s because it has become your new normal. As human beings we crave what is normal even if it’s abuse. They push us off a cliff then rescue us. Good counselling is a good place to start. I expected my ex to apologise and beg for my forgiveness but the opposite happened and he treated me like I was the guilty one which is mind blowing and makes us question our sanity x

[Belle250]

Hi Kip,

Thank you for your kind reply. I’ll certainly look up everything that you’ve mentioned.
I have actually found myself a new counsellor as my previous one couldn’t handle the situation and I always felt like she didn’t actually believe me… x

[Eyesopening]

Hi Belle, sorry you have to go through this, I am really struggling to stay away from an emotionally abusive man because of the trauma bond. It’s really not our fault and it’s completely normal that its so hard, I found a great video about it which actually talks about ways to break it(which is what we really need to know) On Youtube search for Kelly Kristin, Breaking a Trauma bond
All the best xx

[Anonymous]

Hi Belle,

They have a way of getting into our heads, and we end up with a mindset like theirs. Don Hennessy explains this in ‘How He Gets Into Her Head’.
While reading your post I thought ‘I wish someone would have done that for me’. But then I remembered the years I wholeheartedly defended my ex partner. Somehow I thought he was the amazing person he sometimes seemed like when pulling me back in and this probably made the trauma bond stronger. I need to learn more about the trauma bond as I’m still struggling.
I know this is hard to accept, but you are better off without him. They make us shells of people. They disregard our humanity and use us as a tool for their benefit. It might be hard for you to believe when you think of his ‘good side’. But think of the worst you have seen in him and the lowest you felt in the relationship. They aren’t two sides, they are one and the same man. Could you treat someone the way he has treated you? My ex made me think that his jealousy was love and came from his desire for me.
Thank you for opening up to us. I’m really sorry you are experiencing this. I just was reminded about something else I read in a book. The good times in an abusive relationship become addicting, like a drug. When the drug is taken away, we have withdrawals. I might have read this in ‘Physchopath Free’ by Jackson MacKenzie.
There are plans for you, for hope and a future.
xx

[Belle250]

Thank you so much for your kind replies, it means a lot to know that I’m being heard. And that I’m not crazy for thinking this way… I’m learning a lot about the trauma bonding, there certainly seems to be a lot about it online so I think I’ll keep looking into that more.
Ocean you raised some extremely valid points and that’s what I mean about fighting with the rational side of myself that agrees with what you’re saying.
Thank you again xx

[Coco-melon]

Hi belle, I was in a similar situation to yourself, I didn’t know my ex partner was mentally abusing me until after I left him and my parents sat me down and got me thinking about it all, my ex made me believe that my own parents didn’t love me and he was the only one that did, it had a massive affect on me but being able to speak to family and my doctor has finally helped me start to understand it all, I know the feeling of missing them but just know you are a strong woman and you’ll get through all of this xx

[Author]

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