Just how?

[Chocolatebunnie]

Sorry I am posting alot and I am struggling with things just now, i start some therapy tomorrow and have a few other things in place too.

Please tell me how i do this how do i tell him its over and i want him to move out?

Its been awful this weekend and he just goes back to smiles and expecting things to be happy and normal. Its madness and I cant do this anymore, even though i was prepared for the cycle to spin around full circle my god its hard when it does and i think its harder as im actually seeing what is happening rather than feeling confused by it all, i see the pattern im in.

I am sure he has been badmouthing me to his mother this weekend as i have that gut feeling, its nothing new and she is toxic and caused alot of problems along the way. he said i was paranoid, before i would except that. Now, my gut feeling is for a reason, I heard them talking and I know how the conversations go and that anxiety im feeling is real and for a reason. He thinks im stupid i guess.

I on the otherhand am still secretly crying, crying whilst I drive after the school run or running to the toilet when im out because im crying.

I cannot live like this nor can my kids, they need me to be happy in a constant way, i am sometimes but right now my eyes are sad and my smile is fake.

So how do you do this? will icave in I have before a few times, he won me round?

He might not go?

He might get nasty, he did before.

What if he trys to take the kids from me?

We have things planned (even though i know it might not be how i hope them to be, been there before holidays spoiled more than once) but I feel i have to do these things but aware not to plan anymore in the future, like a cut off date so to speak.

how do you find the strength to say it and keep to it? I could say it, its on the tip of my tongue but the aftermath is my fear.

we have a joint tenancy and due to kids needs i must stay here.

I do want this, I know about the FOG and I am feeling that too it does hold me back.

I want my freedom how?

[Lisa]

Hello Chocolatebunnie,

I just wanted to offer some support on your post this evening as I can hear your concerns around the obstacles you are facing to leaving the relationship.

Many women find that by attempting to discuss their desires to end the relationship with the abuser, it provides the abuser with an opportunity to convince, manipulate or gaslight them into staying in the situation. It can also be a dangerous time as there is potential for the abuse to escalate and become unsafe. Therefore, it’s really important to consider your safety and if/how you want to communicate this.

If he will not leave and you want to remain in the property with the children, it might be helpful to access some legal advice, as you may be eligible for an injunction. An occupation order would remove him from the family home. You can contact DV Assist to discuss this in more detail: https://www.dvassist.org.uk

I’m sure other users might have been through this and may have advice to contribute also.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Bananaboat]

After an incident I told mine if it ever happened again it was over. It did and I said it’s over. He didn’t believe me, but I stood my ground – this way he’d had a warning and it was on him, not me suddenly ending things out of the blue.

That said, he then tried every trick, showed me every version of himself to try to keep me compliant – that was a tough period as his true nasty side showed when he realised nothing was working. Despite all this I was still petrified telling him I was moving out, but made sure I had all my ducks in a row so I knew it had to happen and he couldn’t talk me round.

When you say you have to stay in the house, ask yourself if you really truly do. I say this because he’s unlikely to go easily, there’s help out there to move away from abuse and if you do stay there might be a ghost of him holding you and the kids back – by this I mean if you wanted to redecorate for example would you feel like you could or would you hear his words, plus they stil tend to see that as being ‘their’ house so often a fresh start can help but I get this isn’t always possible.

It’s scary but you know you can’t carry on like this. You deserve a happy Christmas, a happy summer with the kids and he’ll be unhappy whatever you do so be brave, be safe and bite the bullet when you’re ready. x

[Chocolatebunnie]

Thanks Lisa and Bananaboat

Giving him a ultimatum was a good way to deal with it bananaboat, totally get all you have written.

I think as I’m social housing and need a big property I need to stay as chances of finding something that meets our needs, plus someone believing me, I don’t want him to know I am saying he is abusive he will get much worse. I’m hoping we can stay on better terms once I claim this no going back and everyone will know. It’s not I’m ashamed it’s being believed, he’s such a softy a nice guy you see, yeah he’s a bit of a lad but s good family man. He has disguised it so well, I will come off as unhinged. People will be shocked. I guess I’m going to have to except it’s not going to be easy

I really needed some replies it’s so lonely when the cycle starts again and most people shrug it off as just a bad moment or going through a rough patch and don’t understand.

I see through it all, all he’s does now and so do the kids right now we are all feeling it.

so here we go another weekend of it building up.

The eggshells, ignores me when I speak or when he answers it’s like a hassle or it must be I’m so boring to him he just can’t be bothered to engage. It works though his technique he has control of the conversation and makes me feel weak.

It’s a special weekend and we all know that’s a great time for someone to kick off.

You know I think if he hit me people would listen, it’s so very true you can’t see the emotional wounds but they hurt too!

I’m going to get out somehow. Just gotta figure it out.

Thanks again for the replies x

[Bananaboat]

Oh yes I get this. Like you I don’t want him to know I’m saying I left because of abuse, daft really isn’t it but we’re doing it to protect ourselves not them.

I also used to think everyone liked him, I won’t be believed, he’s a people charmer but it’s surprised me actually how many people haven’t said anything about that, only a couple have said good we’re glad he’s gone, most haven’t said a thing and are just happy I’m back – almost like they knew something about him was off but couldn’t place it, so I guess what I’m saying is ppl probably realise more than we think and it’s our abusers voice in our heads telling us they’re amazing/loved by all, when they’re not. x

[searchingforhope]

That is so powerful, their voice in our heads, I think its almost always louder than my own. I think that’s the problem

[Mellow]

Had to write as situation sounds similar to me not too long ago it’s your choice you can just leave or tell him it’s over for me I left once and came back that moment for me was terrible I took my kids and went and I had constant phone calls and insults I came back cause of this when I came back he had told me he was already planning on going for whatever reason but still he wanted a relationship but I think really he wasn’t expecting the fact I told him no it’s over after this I had to keep reinforcing it he kept saying I don’t mean it and I love him he would tell me to tell him I love him on occasions.physical contact has not ended because in a way I’m still bonded to him and he won’t accept the boundary anyway so that is still there I believe it will be till he leaves.at first he said he won’t leave and if he does it will be on his terms which it seems it will be.despite police getting involved I never went through with letting them take him away from the home they have power to do this!but I’m too bonded and don’t want it to happen this way.but the behaviour you notice is tormenting when you can now see it.i put up with it and realisation come about after an event he wasn’t empathetic when with other women so I had to end it as a lot of what he does is well hidden passwords the lot I had trouble realising if he was unfaithful so I’ve ended it on the thought that he is as he’s been doing things in my face.anyway there are domestic advisors in your local area what can help (detail removed by Moderator) put you in a refuge I’m counting down the days till he goes I’ve been love boomed and been called all sort of names heartless things have been said about my kids and court orders he’s threatened me so many things of happened I feel disgusted but bonded at same time I get ignored too then I’ve again

[searchingforhope]

It is so hard. I absolutely hear you, they twist and turn everything. The guilt they lay on, reflect on the past as it the future should be decided by the past that is there and fight for it.

You just breathe take it little step by little step. I never thought I’d come as far as I have and I’m not where I want to be yet. But hopefully one day, somehow and you can be too.
Be kind to yourself, this is hard and so many people as much as they mean well, just don’t get it.

Sending you strength xx

[longjourneylife]

Wish I’d had this forum and Lisas advise too before leaving. I knew not to share plans or thoughts, but he still picked up on the change in me and my growing strength, so it got dangerous and I fled unprepared. All the support and help you can get, take it. People know you don’t just uproot your life for nothing. Totally appreciate the fear factor, that’s a natural response. Some people are surprised I believed so muc of his nonsense, I put up with so much, but they just don’t understand the control we are under. The fear is real to us, they spend years putting us in that state. We are not to blame for their nasty choice to abuse. If you can, tell your GP too x

[searchingforhope]

You are so right, it has just become reality, so now it’s hard to know whats real and whats not

[longjourneylife]

It is hard, but you can trust your gut. If it doesn’t feel right, then most likely it isn’t.
I freaked out being questioned over something in the past, I thought I must be losing my mind because my vivid memory of it was being shattered and criticised and questioned. Turns out best to forget all the past, crazy FOGgy period of time. Just keep stepping forward X

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