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I’m in the process of divorcing. He had the kids this week (removed by moderator) and I’ve really struggled. They’re back now, but he asked if he could have them for an extra day because his (removed by moderator). I said no because I’ve missed them so much, but I feel so guilty even about that and now my thoughts are spiralling. I miss when we all did stuff together as a family, because there were lots of good times. I sometimes feel like I’ve got everything straight in my head and that I know he was emotionally abusive, but then I just lose it and feel like I’ve made a massive mistake and think about everything I have lost. I can’t imagine ever feeling ok again, let alone happy. To be honest, I wish he would “hoover” me, but since I filed the divorce papers he barely speaks to me and won’t talk about our relationship, which is just making me doubt myself even more.
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Hi Soconfused2
I was told a long while ago, hold tight to your truth, and it was such good advice, because it means you have to listen to your truth, to yourself, and how you know how wrong it all was.
Your initial response to him was your gut reaction, you’ve missed them, and its been hard I’m sure knowing they are with him, and all that brings, with the potential for him abusing them and you in your absence. Then when they come back you wonder what they’ve been put through and often the behaviour from them is challenging.
No matter what you go through, you know what you know, and can’t unknow it now. Grab onto that rock when the waters around are stormy and hang onto it tight.
warmest wishes
ts
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Hi Soconfused2,
I agree with Twisted Sister, you need to hang onto the reality.
You’re saying you feel weak but your actions show you’re actually strong and very much in control. You filed the divorce papers. You said no to his last-minute request to change arrangements.
You’re only just getting out from under his control. These early days can be confusing. For example, you found it difficult when your ex refused to talk about your relationship once you filed for divorce. (Surely the time for talking had passed?) And saying no to him triggered guilt and a flood of happy memories.(Though he didn’t kick up a fuss.)
It could be that being in new territory feels very uncomfortable. If you’re really not sure, make lists. One of everything you’ve lost. And another of every single instance of abuse.
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Hi Soconfused2,
You’re definitely not weak at all, you are just struggling with natural, human emotions.
All abusive relationships have good times. I had some great times with my abusive ex, some great holidays (pre child and with child) and I am fortunate that many years post separation I can look back on these and realise they were good times. However, as the abuse increased and the bad times outweighed the good I had two choices: take responsibility for my future and the emotional wellbeing of myself and child, or stay in the abusive relationship and just hope things would change for the better again. Like you, I chose to end the relationship.
You are clearly clued up on abuse now and you know that he was emotionally abusive to you, but I wonder if you are clouded a little bit with doubt because there are some aspects of post abuse separation where he does not ‘fit’ the description most of us report. You say you almost wish he would ‘hoover’ you back in? The fact that he isn’t, and he isn’t phoning you/messaging you begging you for another chance is possibly making you doubt that the abuse was that bad? Your situation appears to be one that most of us would relish – an abuser who has actually accepted that the relationship is over and does not want to communicate with you in any way. I can understand that this may make you feel down, feel that he doesn’t think you are worth fighting for, so therefore, it could affect your self esteem that perhaps he didn’t think that much of you in the first place? It’s human nature to have feelings like this – and it hurts.
Finding yourself again and making a new life as a single parent takes time. Being ‘single’ and being a ‘single parent’ are two entirely different things. We can’t go back in time to how we were when we were single before because we had little responsibility then. We are still moving forward and have to find a new version of ourselves because we are now ‘single’ but with full on responsibilities for our children. This doesn’t fall in to place straight away and it’s hard work trying to fathom out how we do this and do it right. We make mistakes along the way, but we must continue to move forward and not go back. Often we go back because it’s easier. I went back because I thought it would be easier, but I soon realised it wasn’t. No matter how hard it was to move forward I had to push through and do it. Many years later the rewards are endless.
The fact that your ex won’t communicate at all with you shows immaturity and selfishness, and is typical of an abuser – it’s that ‘all or nothing’ approach. There are many people whose relationships end for whatever reason yet they are still able to remain civil with one another for the benefit of the children and co-parent. I know of lots of separated couples who go to Parent’s Evening together, their children’s birthday parties, sports events etc. They have both accepted that they were not good together anymore but could be great parents apart. They don’t have court orders for contact.
You instigated the divorce for the right reasons for you, please don’t doubt yourself. His lack of care or communication with you now should not make you doubt that, regardless of how he behaves now you made your decision based on his behaviour back then.
You are strong, your are wilful, you are determined, you are empowered, you have set up boundaries, you have taken control of your life and your future. What on earth makes you think you are weak?!
xx
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