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    • #143906
      pris
      Participant

      I feel really conflicted writing this. I’m not sure how it will help. To cut a long story short I’ve been with my partner for (detail removed by Moderator) years. He moved in quickly after he was attacked, I have supported us both and helped pay for his divorce (they werent together when we met thankfully). He is from a different country and after exploring options we realised the only chance of him staying here long term is marriage. I found out that he had been cheating with several women. I forgave him a few times. We have had some borderline abusive incidents that lead to me over compensating until he gets back to his kind, sweet self and my needs get lost again. His good side is the majority. I know how that sounds. There are lots of red flags and points of concern in hindsight including police visits which have now stopped(not about me). I split up with him after I found out about the last woman. He was at home at the time. It broke me. Slowly I started to recover and date a bit. Then I got a call saying he was back in the UK. The police matter was resolved and the divorce was finalised. He said thankyou and was really considered and mature. He gave me space and I fell back in. This is an over simplification but I don’t want to go on and on. (Detail removed by Moderator). Our first date again-it was great until he started fixating on what I’d been up to while he was away and how my friends and family felt about him. It ended in a huge row with silent treatment. (Detail removed by Moderator). Once everyone left he went back to this dark place and sent awful messages all of yesterday mixed with I love yous. I was desperate to fix it but I also feel like something has shifted and my friend said she was really worried something was about to happen…we have had one incident in the past where he got physical but I shrugged it off. I feel really disloyal sharing this and am not sure if I am being hyperbolic. I’m not sure what I’m looking for here but it would be good to seek a little perspective and not to manage it alone. Thanks for reading my garbled essay! x

    • #143913
      Mellow
      Participant

      Sorry about your hurting I’m with someone from a different country to and had children I find it so much more difficult to understand this way but after doing some soul searching I realised it does not matter where they are from abusive behaviour is abusive I’ve been with mine many years and come to realise he has many women around me being the main one I’ve put up with a lot but it’s hard you don’t realise what your in till your ready to get out sorry to waffle on about myself but I relate to your post mine does the whole kissy kissy and invalidates my feelings when I’m upset .and behaviour changes each day I’ve realised I’ve been used all along there has been physical stuff in the past which I’ve shrugged off and it even got to point he almost broke something on my body and told me not to tell which I didn’t I’ve always said that I goaded him or something so I deserved it but no one deserves misstreatment.we are hear to listen and you can contact your local women’s aid

    • #143922
      pris
      Participant

      Oh lovely, I’m sorry to read this. I relate to parts. It’s so hard when you see the best in someone and want to help with any unfair difficulties they face on top but are met with misplaced anger and suspicion. I think something has changed in my mindset this week. I don’t know why. Perhaps it’s because (detail removed by Moderator) so he is more freaked out about locking down a future with me and has been more erratic. Perhaps it was friends saying they were worried. But I don’t want to be in this situation next year, or 10 years down the line. I hope you have some form of tangible support too. You don’t deserve any mistreatment under any circumstances. None of us do. I really appreciate you sharing your experience as well. Thankyou xx

    • #143939
      Hummingbird3
      Participant

      I’m really sorry you are going through this. Its hard when you really want them to have changed, but please don’t ignore the red flags. Trust in your instincts and intuition. I find with myself that deep down I know the answer, but I don’t want that answer because it hurts. Please look after yourself and know you are worth more. x

    • #143944
      Mellow
      Participant

      Yeah this all started when he (detail removed by Moderator) and then his behaviour got erratic and he started saying (detail removed by Moderator) when he came back and that (detail removed by Moderator) but then once he realised what a good person I am and all the things I do for him then he changed his mind is it but by then I was already ready to go myself he started saying (detail removed by Moderator) I have to laugh when I see some of the things he has which I’ve bought and I’ve paid for but he says (detail removed by Moderator) and a lot of finances has been through me but now I am going I’m leaving if he doesn’t I will . If I was in your situation I would be thinking about leaving but that’s your choice you deserve better and you are a queen don’t let that crown slip

    • #143946
      pris
      Participant

      Thankyou both. It’s nice to relate but also quite stark because it’s much clearer from the outside you know? i know very little of what you have both been through but I can tell you were enduring something you didn’t deserve out of love and hope and I feel the same but then it takes about 60 seconds for me to start minimising my situation and thinking about how fortunate I am in many ways and that it’s not that bad. That he’s lovely and I’m doing him a disservice by being here. An incident a few days ago really shocked me though. he hasnt been that hateful before and it really took me aback. Partly because there was no provocation and it was so random. I’m trying hard to get some space for a couple of days and pacify things a bit. Im hoping that it helps build a bit of strength and perspective but conversely it means that I slip in to compensating mode again. I know the next time I see him will be nice. Maybe really nice. But I feel like I cant risk another outburst like that because it was much closer to danger than I’ve felt before. I couldn’t do anything right. I’m sure the people on here will find this familiar. thankyou for engaging with this post. It really is helpful. I hope you are all safe tonight x

      • #143981
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        Oh i feel you and i am so sorry you are here.
        I have always always denied my husbands behaviour even on here i wont and cant say the A word to me he is just a bit mean. I down play it all the time like you and i have done for the past (detail removed by moderator) but you get to a point where you stop and you think hang on this isnt right he shouldnt treat me this way why should i hide pretend shrink myself? I self harm i have problems with eating ive not been treated nice my whole life and i dont like me at all but i am learning each and every day i take one small step foward.
        Ive been here over a year and have learned so much opened up and been more honeat here than with anyone. Want my honest opinion? He wont change sweetie and i know how much you want him too my god i know i want it so so much too but i think we all know deep down they cant change they dont want too its us again its down to us as it always is to change to be stronger to find confidence courage and determination believe that you deserve better and stay away continue with your life away from him. Xxxxxxxx

    • #143955
      searchingforhope
      Participant

      It’s so heartbreaking to read your post. You absolutely don’t deserve that. Take your space and mind yourself. You deserve to be happy and at ease.

      Sending you love and strength x*x

    • #144027
      Hummingbird3
      Participant

      I think the most useful piece of advice I’ve found is put your friend, daughter, sister or mother in your position. If they were to tell you all the things that you had endured, would you down play it? Would it be acceptable for them to live with it? 99.9% of the time its a hard no, but I totally understand (and have live it myself) where I feel that i’m making a mountain out of a mole hill.
      The thing that I always have to remind myself is that abusers aren’t always abusive, because if they were, and it happened from the start, you probably wouldn’t have ever entered into the relationship! This in itself is really difficult to comprehend as you love the wonderful side and know that they can be charming and loving, its just unfortunate they use this as a tool.
      Sending you love. Know your worth and how truly incredible you are and know you don’t deserve anything less than amazing. xx

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