Just so tired of it all.

[Overcome]

Hey Ladies, it’s been a while since I last posted. I am trying to continue with life and wish I could go no contact (even though we literally do not speak to each other at all). He still manages to play games with me through the children. He works away a lot and has been changing dates when he is about or not – leaving me panicked about sorting childcare for my job. It is maddening and I just want to scream at him to be reasonable, but I know enough to know that is what he wants me to do. I am just so so tired of it all.

Recently I have been going through a sad phase again, mourning the loss of what we had, whatever it was. I’m just so sad that my children’s lives will be changed forever and I never wanted that for them. I’m so angry and sad and emotional and i feel like there is such a big injustice towards me. This makes me want to share with the world exactly what he has been doing to me, but what good will come of that? It will just hurt the children even more won’t it.

I lost a whole family when he started to smear me… all because I was ready to expose him for what he was and to stand up for my children and what is right. The worst thing is they all know what he is like and yet have completely cut me out, just like that.

[fizzylem]

Stuff em O, if that’s how they want to play it, some families stick together and fail to offer the right support and advice dont they – collude, I was nothing but kind, always welcoming and friendly to his family and they have chosen to side with him and believe his lies – fine – I don’t want these people around my child, it’s a relief I dont have to have them round anymore, and as its down to him now that she sees them she hardly ever does – good.

Sounds to me that you are only now letting go of the dream of you all being a close, loving family, mourn the losses you feel yes, this helps and is needed. But don’t fool yourself here. You have now given your children a chance to be happy, to feel the comfort and safety of a warm, loving home when with you – they would have sensed the tensions or worst – now you can show them how to live a normal, peaceful, fulfilling life. This was the best thing for them – because it wasn’t what you hoped it would be was it; and what were you both showing them about how to be when in a relationship?

Research shows us now that soldiering on only damages the child; most grown kids now adults that came from DA/V homes say they wished she’d left him years ago – google it; affirm your decision in your mind.

If he is using the children to control you this will likely only get worse – did for me anyway. Have a look at the Our Family Wizard app, might help, you could go no contact and just use this; get him to collect the kids from the drive or even better from somewhere else – put him out – stop dealing with his nonsense, you think it’s only me suffering here and I should limp on for the kids, but it isn’t, him controlling you through the kids effects them too – much better for them if they can see and work with clearly defined boundaries. It’s only because he has contact that he is able to do this – if you remove this then he can’t do it can he – although he may try to do this verbally with kids if he is like my ex. So if it doesnt settle down after you have gone no conatct and a pattern established for his contact – then it is time for court.

I’d get set days and times off him and if he cant do it then he needs to find his own child care – or using the My Family Wizard he can request a swap – which you can accept or decline.

I’d also look at arranging care for them elsewhere when I am at work – so none of you really need him.

Sometimes it stops once we take back the control – other times not – but if you try it and he still finds ways to control you through the children then at least you know you tried before court becasue if he doesnt stop it will screw with their heads x

[fizzylem]

So you will need to get them some protection x

[Overcome]

Thanks for that reply, Fizzylem. You have given me lots of information to get started. I didn’t want to end up at court but I am prepared to do it if this carries on any longer. I am leaning on family heavily already for help with childcare, unfortunately I work shifts so set days are a big struggle right now. But I am around for the children every single day whereas he works away for weeks at a time. I keep going through stages with the emotional side of things, I have been in the anger stage for quite some time but sorting through old photos had me feeling nostalgic about happier times. Even I know that it wasn’t all roses, even back then there were already things he had done that should have split us up. Part of me wishes I had left then but I ended up back together with him – and my children would not have been born so I try to remind myself of that.

I have tried to sit him down to discuss arrangements multiple times and he has completely stonewalled me, so I gave up trying. I spoke to his father at one point when i was on the verge of reacting to his sudden diary change that I cannot live like this and I will have to go down the legal route if he does a trick like this again. His father came and helped out to get through that patch but nothing is solved, he even told his son not to ignore me. I probably shouldn’t have called him but he helps out a lot with the kids and he was one of the one’s who could see what he was doing to me. Unfortunately our relationship is getting more and more strained the more lies my ex keeps spouting to them all.

What you said about the family I lost is true, if they really cared they would still reach out no matter what. I guess the trash took itself out, it hurts but I guess the true colours are showing. That app could work! I am willing to be fair and I will try this and mediation, resorting to court if I have to. No one will be able to say I didn’t try then.

What I have learned is that nothing is quick in this game is it? Every day feels like a year when trying to sort this life out.

With love,

O x

[fizzylem]

Great, sounds like you feel you’ve got stuff to go on and lifted a bit. His dad sounds like a good soul, can see this is about putting the children first, making sure they get what they need, shame their father doesnt hey.

No it’s a slow process and a step at a time for sure isn’t it, it effects every aspect of our lives for a long time – keep chipping away though and you will get there, but take time out when you need it. The least info he has on you the less he is able to mess with. Be mindful though that he could start lying to the children as well, manipulate them – just like he does everyone else – sadly this is what we have to deal with – alienation.

Gather evidence in case you need to go to court – all the times he’s messed you about with the arrangements. I keep ‘a diary of return’, I record the facts, when she goes and her mood on going and returning, what she said they did and then anything odd she says during the week. Helps to build a picture of what’s occurring over time – if there is alienation. It’s been helpful for the legal process. Also helps your mind to file it away – we have been from one mess to the next and the next – my head got full a long time ago; and I tend to forget whats happened because there’s been so much rubbish, so it’s all there now in print to refer to when needed.

Apps got some good features hasn’t it – it’s been devised for dealing with a high conflict parent. Means he never has to contact me directly for arrangements, it’s all there at a glance and he manages his time with her – so can no longer blame me for this. It stores everything too – should you need it for evidence later; but it may be all you need? They do get bored when they don’t see how this is effecting you – the kick comes from causing upset and distress doesn’t it. He needs to learn you will get on with life regardless of how he behaves but you won’t tolerate being messed around. Will be his choice, the court will see his game if he carries on.

You sound busy with the children and work and well – him! So putting him out will make a huge difference. I was just like you, tried to be fair, more than and for too long, never works flower, he is who he is; make sure you make time for you as well, an exercise class, get your hair done or coffee with a friend – all more do able when you’re not dealing with his nonsense hey x

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