Just want this all over

[DesperateDanielle]

I’ve finally left my abusive husband. Im out of it at last. I’m disabled and he used to be my carer. He has reacted really badly when I sent divorce papers.

In his mind he has become a saint. Nothing happened. He’s telling his family about how concerned he is over my mental health decline because I’m delusional. My poor (older) kids have be painted as money grabbers who ignore him. My DS had enough of his behaviour and intimidation so rarely contacts him. My DD is utterly destroyed by him thinking this about her. She is a wonderful girl but since I’ve left he has been emotionally, coercively and financially abusing to her. She has to give messages to me to get the help we promised her in university. She dare not visit me because that is viewed as “disloyal” and she is reliant on him for financial support whilst a student.
I feel so guilty that he has transferred his behaviour onto her.

I know he was a controlling, coercive, emotional and financial abuser to me so I dread what she is being put through.

I’ve had really good support to leave from my local social services, housing association, family and abuse charities etc.

This morning I got his response to the divorce via his solicitor. He is the victim who is so hurt by my behaviour and I’ve lied about him. My solicitor (detail removed by Moderator) did not send him a copy of the divorce directly (as per DV protocol)so he is insisting we meet up with a view to reconcile.

My domestic abuse support worker is quite concerned about how he accepts zero responsibility for his behaviour.

I am keeping sane by remembering I’ve got video evidence of his bad behaviour and paperwork showing financial abuse. (detail removed by Moderator)

The man is jekyll and Hyde. I never knew which husband I would be dealing with from hour to hour. I am so frustrated I could scream! Why cant he accept how he’s made me feel?

The thought of having to see him when he won’t accept responsibility is terrifying . I’m angry at myself for giving him the power to scare me.
He is using the fact that I still love him against me. Life is hard enough with a disability. His controlling presence is still here.

Does this ever get better?

[SunshineRainflower]

Yes it will get better, well done for taking the courage to leave when he engineered a situation to make you dependent on him. I’m so happy to hear about all the support you have got, keep accessing it to get the best outcome. Your DV worker sounds great and spot on about him not accepting responsibility being a big red flag.

He will never accept responsibilty, it is one of the traits of an abuser. If they accepted it they would also feel guilt, remorse and empathy which most of them seem devoid of. Instead they see themselves as the victims with a huge sense of entitlement, sort of like little spoilt boys who never grew up or learnt to play fairly. Whatever we do it will always be wrong in their eyes as they think in a warped, dysfunctional way. It’s best to focus on yourself and accept that he is not a normal human as you will never get him to respond in a normal, respectful way by the sounds of it.

I hope you are getting support for your disability, could your daughter access some support for herself at the university too? They often have very good student service departments and counsellors there and take student welfare very seriously so it’s worth her or you looking into. There is also usually a financial help department if this becomes an issue too.

Keep going and good luck, it sounds like you are on the right track.

[KIP.]

To save yourself a lot of pain go total no contact. Correspond through solicitor only. Dont accept any notes from your kids. Don’t let him use them as tools to continue abuse. You have every right never to see or speak to him again. It also sends a message to your children that going no contact with an abuser is totally acceptable. If they see you being strong, they have a good role model to follow x

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