Keep thinking it’s not that bad

[Buddy]

Hi ladies , I am getting to the point where I am seriously thinking something is not right with me ! What’s the matter with me ?
Constantly looking for validation from people , constantly doubting myself and thinking maybe I have got it wrong as lots of women put up with c**p from men ..
remembering all the times he has spoilt me etc .
Is throwing things in arguments really that bad ? Is his anger really that bad , are all men idiots .. can I cope on my own ?
I have lost my trust in everybody .. I think everyone is playing games and manipulative .. maybe I need help ?
Sorry , I am getting on my own nerves now and I hate myself for not being stronger !
My male friend messaged me .. hey you ok , I replied , hey we are still friends right ?
He said I am sorry ( b***y call message and not replying to me ) yes of course we are still friends .. I burst into tears !!
I really want to see him it’s awfully hard .. x

[KIP.]

The only thing not right is that you’re being abused. You know deep down his behaviour is wrong and is harming you and your children but it’s easier to believe it’s not that bad. It’s cognitive dissonance. Even if you take the abuse out of the picture, you’re desperately unhappy with your choice in partner and you have the right to be happy and fulfilled in your own life. To make choices for your health and well-being.

[Coogeebee]

Hey I think we all try to justify their behaviour. I’ve been in an abusive relationship for (detail removed by Moderator) years and still can’t find the courage to go. It’s not just you believe me.

[Camel]

Buddy, I’m so sorry to hear you being so hard on yourself. Your brain is on overdrive and I imagine you’re finding it impossible to follow the threads.

The title of your post is ‘keep thinking it’s not that bad’. If you’re miserable I’d say it certainly is that bad.

Instead of hating yourself for not being stronger, accept that we all need holding up sometimes.
Yes, you do need help, but in the most positive way. You need validation from someone who understands what you’re going through.

You need to put your trust in someone who doesn’t have their own agenda. I really don’t think your friend is helping you right now. You know, he should have apologised for the drunk text straight away. Leaving you dangling wasn’t kind.

[Hawthorn]

Oh buddy,

My heart goes out to you. There’s nothing wrong with you. You are suffering deeply because of the horrific abuse you are being subjected to.

Please dont be so hard on yourself. The swirling thoughts. The confusion. The darkness. I’ve been there. Your abuser is blocking out all the light in your life. It is not your fault.

I’ve heard it said “dont ask why does she stay. Ask how did she leave?”. He has brainwashed you. The confusion and swirling your brain trying to make sense of an impossible situation. Blaming yourself for so long and being chipped away at until you feel you are useless, nothing with him.

You have been strong enough to endure this abuse. You are strong enough to figure a way out of this. Keep posting here and try to reach out to support and build your network. People with your best interests at heart; your GP, womens aid, your family and friends if you can.

Telling one friend made the world of difference to me. I was believed. He always told me no one would believe me, that “everyone”knew I was abusing him. He was lying.

Dont blame yourself for staying. Enduring abuse takes all your strength. Try to muster a little extra to reach out for support. You deserve it xxxxx

[Buddy]

I let rip (detail removed by Moderator) .. I said everything about his behaviour and he just sat there and took it .
I told him not healthy for the children and how my daughter has told me he is a bully .
I went through everything he has put me through and how he has made me feel .. told him he has never apologised to me and how he can be so sure of himself and not frighten of loosing me !
He never asks me if I still love him ( even when I ask him ) it’s strange.
So I list it and told him he must have a heart of steel if he can live like we are ( not really talking properly)
He didn’t give me an inch , not a crumb .. just said house will go on market in (detail removed by Moderator) and I said .. I can’t live like this till then .. (detail removed by Moderator) he has gone to his mums with a bag of clothes .
Initially I felt panicked , ( thinking what if I am wrong and I am loosing a good husband) he said to me (detail removed by Moderator) I think I am a good husband and father)
Now I am a bit calmer.

No remorse , no apology , no I don’t want to loose you .. just left ..
Odd after (detail removed by Moderator) years of marriage right ? Xx

[Walkingonsunshine]

Mine was exactly the same when I ended it, no ‘but I love you, I love our family etc’
His first response was (detail removed by Moderator) meaning the house and lifestyle
Then I just got all the wo is me comments ‘how can this happen to me again’ ‘this is a bad time of year for me because of XYZ’

Stick to your guns and let him go, you will feel the difference without his presence and realise how much better and happier you can all be. This is the hardest step, Onwards and upwards x

[KIP.]

He’s not gone for good. He’s expecting you to go running after him. Please please use this time to get an emergency occupation order. This will allow you to stay in your home with your children. He’s within his rights to come back any time and he will definitely do so and when he does it’s you who will have to flee with your children. It’s so much easier to get that court order when he’s moved out and is living elsewhere. Courts don’t like to make men homeless. Put your heartache aside and think practically. You can deal with your emotions once you’re safe and secure. Try to keep him out until that order is in place.

[Hawthorn]

Kip is right. He’s not gone for good so make use of this time to take practical steps to keep him out of your home.

The panic comes in waves, let them pass over you. You will doubt everything when they are happening. That’s normal and is a result of the abuse you have suffered.

He has shown no remorse and not apologised because he doesnt think hes done anything wrong. He believes he is a great husband and father. He feels completely entitled to treat you and his children as he has throughout your marriage. It was remembering my husbands lack of remorse that kept me away in the early days. This is entitlement is why they dont change.

He will be back. Begging and pleading, love bombing you, then threats when that doesnt work. Speak to him as little as possible, he will use every opportunity to manipulate you. Use this time to get your ducks in a row. Your silence is your power.

So proud of you. You can do this. Xxxx

[KIP.]

It was my husbands lack of remorse but also how he blamed me that kept me away from him. I cant see your husband begging and pleading but I can see him coming back King of the Castle. Forcing submission or homelessness onto you.men’s not capable of remorse. In his mind you are the one who should be apologising you him. His threats of selling the house in (detail removed by Moderator) is just intimidation and you can expect more, he’s also recruiting his flying monkeys and badmouthing you as we speak. I don’t think he will stay long at his mums. As soon as he realises you’re not playing that game he will be back all guns blazing.

[Buddy]

Thanks for your support ladies .. I will take everything you have said on board .
Before he left he said to let’s talk to the children , he said (detail removed by Moderator)
Both children seem fine .. I keep asking them are they ok and they are both saying we are fine , we don’t feel sad !
My son said it’s good for you to have a break from each other .. and maybe things will be better after .
Sitting here feeling really weird , with Christmas coming and on my own .
His mum says to me all men have nasty young yes in arguments , you don’t deserve it but is this really what you want .
My mum is saying don’t back down this time , if you do that’s you for the rest of your life .

[KIP.]

I agree with your mum. This is your chance and even your kids are okay with it. Kids are resilient. Not sure exactly what his mum said but sounds like she’s making excuses and defending his behaviour. Steer well clear there. Blood is always thicker than water. Take time to use this calmness and peace to see what it really can be like with out walking on eggshells and constantly being out down belittled and abused x

[KIP.]

You’re not on your own, you have your kids, your home, your family, your support network. The only thing that’s changed is you don’t have a nasty cruel abuser trying to destroy you. This calm won’t last long. He will be back x

[KIP.]

He thinks he’s punishing you by walking out. But you’ve done nothing wrong.

[Buddy]

His mum said all men have nasty tongues in arguments !
Yes , you are right , he does think he is punishing me and I will be using this time to have a taste of being on my own and building up my strength .
His mum also said you have to let the past be in the past ( talking about some of the things he has done )
About (detail removed by Moderator) years ago , he went on a night out with 2 work colleagues , one make one female .. the female was supposed to stay in the other colleagues house as she lived away , but they list him . So she had nowhere to go and he brought her back here .
I heard my chest of drawers drawers opening and closing and went to investigate and found him in our spare room ( where she was sleeping) about (detail removed by Moderator) in the morning . Just kneeling on floor by the bed .. fully clothed
I screamed what is going on and he calmly got up ( it was dark ) and just walked towards me , and went to bed , saying sleep walking and drunk .
I was traumatised , next morning went in to see her and said sorry about last night he was sleep walking) because I honestly didn’t think he would be that stupid and do it in his own home with wife and kids in house !!
When she left , I spoke to him and went on and on about it , saying is something happening g between you , you having an affair , he said course not , because I wouldn’t drop it he shouted , right fine I have been sleeping with her for (detail removed by Moderator) months , I started crying saying when ? He said in an empty office in work .
I came into the lounge rung my mum crying and he came in and said , no I haven’t been I was just saying it as that’s what you thought so may aswell say it .
How cruel ?
Sorry but had to get that off my chest xx

[KIP.]

Either way it’s cruel and designed to hurt you. The trouble with the past being in the past is that domestic abuse is a pattern of behaviour and is never left in the past. It’s simply who he is. When you have some space you will start to remember lots of episodes like these that he denied or gaslighted you about or was just plain cruel or violent. It only takes one such incident to divorce him on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. One incident for you to have his permission to walk away. Write all these incidents down and lean on your family just now who have your best interests at heart. Sadly abusers are often cheaters too. It’s their entitled attitude in all aspects of the relationship x

[Camel]

I would avoid discussing anything with his mother. She’s entitled to her opinions but you don’t have to listen to them. Your marriage is none of her business.

[Author]

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