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    • #13710
      Serenity
      Participant

      If you are in an abusive or controlling relationship, be alert to the abuser’s need to stifle what is individual about you, to bleed you dry and to make you into their minion.

      Struggle to save your individuality. If it means that they rear up against this, far better to lose them, however painful at first. A healthy partner will celebrate and accept your individuality, and be proud of it. An abuser will try to destroy it.

      It’s not worth it. Once they’ve taken your individuality, and your health, they will toss you aside. Nothing is more valuable than your sense of self and why makes you the individual you are. You were born someone, you still are that someone; the abuser wants you to believe that someone is gone, but they haven’t.

      Not everyone is like this. Some people respect others’ rights and individuality. Surround yourself with those types of people.

      If you are out of an abusive relationship and have lost a sense of who you are and feel empty and drained, believe that the true you is still there, hiding away. It had hidden itself away beneath layers to protect itself from the abuse. The true core you is there, waiting to come back to life. Celebrate what is different about you. Celebrate your talents and qualities. Love yourself and care for yourself like you wished he had, or others had in your life. Stop being your own enemy and be your own best friend. This may take time, as abuse makes is feel bad about ourselves, but believe that it is their mess, not you, that is making them behave that way. Every single woman on here sounds intelligent and kind to me. The sad thing about victims is that they beat themselves up.

      Xxxxx

    • #13729
      Falling Skys
      Participant

      Well said.

      I recently went out with a group taking pictures in the distance there were two boats. This man said only one was moving, I said they both were. He replied no only one, do I agreed even knowing I was right.

      A little later on he pipes up you were right they are both moving.

      I could have wept. One it shows you how a man should behave and two it shows how controlled I was and still am around men.

      FS xx

      • #13751
        Ayanna
        Participant

        But why did he have to have the last word only to be proven he was wrong. I hate this about men.

    • #13752
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Thank you, Serenity!

    • #13763

      I wrote a post to Ayanna and I deleted it because I feel ashamed of myself all the time when I write on the forum.

      Thank you for your post Serenity, you speak the truth. I too am affected by the abuse I lived, my bright spark is gone, I just appear as normal as I can but inside it feels empty. I have copied my message to Ayanna on my facebook page before I deleted it from this forum but here it is :

      Dear Ayanna,
      You may have a valid point here. All I can say is I often wonder what men and women do together, I wonder about the institutions we take for granted, marriage is one of them. I observe very often how men and women interact, how ”grumpy old women” moan about men and vice versa, I look at men sat at pub counters drinking their beers alone or with mates, how they eye women, how they behave…how they may intimidate us. I hold my head high and look at them straight in the eyes. I don’t fear them. They don’t like that.
      I look at how my own husband behaves, how his parents seem to see nothing wrong. I listen carefully to people’s comments, their own history, my dad’s in particular. I am often shocked to see typical patterns of behaviour, in both sexes too…
      Beliefs, they say at the Freedom Program. Indeed. But I am glad to be a woman and to have more empathy than my husband, to be able to enjoy depth of character, an ability to analyse and to draw conclusions, to feel compassion and to want to help others. I am glad I can sense lots of things that are kept unsaid, I am pleased I am able to recognise beauty in such simple things as a dandelion flower or an old person’s wrinkled hands. I can read people, I can speak poetically, I can forgive and grow all the time. I care enormously, I feel life run through my veins, I can cherish junk and jewels, appreciate the moonlight and dark skies, the list is limitless…
      I see none of that in my husband. I see a man who now feels very alone and always will. But now I feel nothing and it makes me very sad. I started to feel guilty this morning when I realised I feel nothing for him other than pity. I do pity him, I find his life meaningless, I hide my own feelings from him, my actions throughout the day, my thoughts, my hopes and being able to stay silent towards him makes me stronger each day. I have stopped caring.
      I used to be animated by a high sense of elation, elation came from everything and anything, flowers, rain, a walk in the park, the sea, a book, taking photographs etc. Now I feel I have lost that flame inside me, I have come back from a refuge feeling like I live an inanimated life at home. I have lost that need to celebrate life. And I feel empty, I feel there are no goals to reach any more. It frightens me. But at least I am trying to get my old self back. I cared for far too long for someone who abused my patience, my love, my body and soul, who killed my spirituality and my dignity, who used my children to annihilate all the goodness out of me.
      When I was in the refuge, I discovered the books written by Mary Wollstonecraft. It turned out to be a revelation to me. I can now feel my deep resilience coming through to help me recompose myself. That author wrote words that meant so much to me when I read them. They gave me the courage to start looking after myself and be the person who takes action to recompose what I lost.”

      Now if anybody finds what I wrote stupid or incomprehensible, so be it. I am tired of hiding my feelings and of feeling stupid and ashamed. I am tired of having to justify myself. I am tired of my husband’s projections. I am tired, I am tired of being tired. I want to wake up with a purpose.

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