Keeping it going

[Buddy]

Hi .. just reaching out as feeling so low .
He is keeping it going , nearly (detail removed by Moderator) weeks of not talking . I did try and say something to him a couple of times , just things regards the children and he said to me that he had ordered our daughters (detail removed by Moderator) for Christmas , but that’s it !
How can a big grown man , keep this going ? He is the man , twice my size and he knows I am not a nasty person .. how cruel is it ? Or am I just too sensitive .. I am having really bad cognitive dissonance , one min I am leaving g and when I see my friends with them all being a family , I loose my strength !
What is happening to me ? I am so up and down , I look b****y awful , big bags under my eyes and I am sure people are sick of me winging .
I keep going back to all the things he has done in our marriage and telling my friend everything .. why am I doing this 😭

[KIP.]

Your sense of reality is so messed up by the abuse you’re looking for validation from any source. You simply do not need validation from anyone. The fact that he can be so cruel even over the last five weeks is evidence enough. This is normal for him. He loves his life abusing you and having absolutely no empathy. You need zero contact for the fog to clear. While you’re with him, he’s free to carry on his delusional behaviour. Remember it’s that delusional behaviour that’s kept you trapped for years. When they pretend everything is fine it makes us feel that we are the problem. Very clever mind games and that’s why zero contact is needed to clear headspace.

[Buddy]

I am so angry with myself atm ..
I am scared and making myself ill with all the stress .. my stomach is constantly churning , it’s horrific !
I am realising I need space from him , I am struggling to find some where to rent that is furnished , I really need it to be furnished.
I suspect once I make that move to go I won’t turn back , but surely you should be talking these things through with your husband , not other people !! Talk about being pushed into a corner with the silent treatment , like can’t go forwards , sideways , just stuck

[KIP.]

You’re not talking about a decent guy here. Yes in a healthy relationship you would both sort your problems in an adult way but it takes two to make a relationship work. He isn’t interested in the kind of relationship you want. Never has been. Could you move to your parents for a couple of weeks and just pop back to check on the kids when he’s out? The indecision is extremely stressful. Once I’d make my decision I felt a weight lifted.

[KIP.]

The sooner you cut him out of your decision making process the better because he will mess with your head. Just keep making your plans. He’s going nowhere and not changing so it’s up to you x

[Buddy]

I don’t want to leave without the children and I work with (detail removed by Moderator) , my parents are older I can’t risk passing it into them !
I completley understand what you are saying and it makes me feel so much better that I am not going completley mad .
Thank u kip xx

[KIP.]

I hope you don’t think I’m putting pressure on you, I’m just trying to think outside the box and I do totally understand how difficult it is to get out safely with your children. Especially now. There are domestic abuse orders that you can apply for to have him removed. Perhaps your family could do an affidavit to the court supporting that. Your local women’s aid could also support you and your GP. He doesn’t have to know until it’s served. Just keep gathering evidence whenever you can. Keep a journal of his behaviour too because it’s going to escalate. X

[Buddy]

No , I don’t feel like you are pressuring me at all ..
I just said to him (detail removed by Moderator)
He said (detail removed by Moderator) , he then said (detail removed by Moderator) I said (detail removed by Moderator) and he said (detail removed by Moderator)
He then said (detail removed by Moderator)
I am negative all the time and he said (detail removed by Moderator)
He said (detail removed by Moderator) , I said (detail removed by Moderator), he said (detail removed by Moderator) I said (detail removed by Moderator) I haven’t even said anything to him yet .
I said (detail removed by Moderator). I also said to him , (detail removed by Moderator) and he said (detail removed by Moderator)

[KIP.]

What delusional 💩. It doesn’t even make sense. How can you clean morning and night and be lazy. It’s all verbal salad. Delusional nonsense to put the spotlight back on you. He’s going to say the most outrageous things. Gaslighting lies. When you actually break it down it’s laughable. I got the same. He’s basically accusing you of what he is. Lazy and selfish. He’s going nowhere so don’t part with your money or you won’t see it again and he will still be right there. Keep the journal and break it down into his pathetic lies.

[KIP.]

Remember their tactic is to keep moving the goalposts x

[Buddy]

I can’t believe I have let him make me feel like s**t again !
W*f , it’s like I am torturing myself .. xx

[KIP.]

Yes and it’s exhausting. I did the same until I could satisfy myself that there was absolutely no hope. That I’d tried everything in my power to make it work but eventually I knew that he would never change and that nothing in my power would make him realise what he was doing was wrong x so it boiled down to my survival or his and I chose me x you should choose you x

[Buddy]

So after a “talk” which consisted of him telling me all my negatives. He has started talking to me , do I want a cup of tea etc . so I am guessing this is because he feels he has succeeded in tearing me down and now this is sort of the live bombing stage ?
Just trying to understand it .
My daughter asked me last night if I was ok , she said dad is a bully

[KIP.]

He’s trying to revert to ‘normal’ and will expect you to move on and forget all his abusive behaviour. I’d ignore him and keep planning your exit plan. Abusers have problems with their own anger but they have real problems with ours. He’s going nowhere, he’s throwing you some crumbs and normally we would grab them and be grateful our punishment (for something we didn’t do) is over. Don’t be fooled by this stage because you’re still on the roundabout of abuse.

[Same-again]

Hi Buddy,

Mine does (did) the same things with the negative criticisms. Whenever there was a violence I would be so affected that I’d stop functioning. No housework, no get up and go at all. Just existing in a fog really. Often drinking alcohol too. He would come round and ‘muck me out’ ie tidy up, usually just the kitchen but still it made me feel better. It’s quite depressing when your house/living space is untidy/dirty. He would then call me lazy etc. Can’t believe I fell for it really. He creates the problem, helps with the solution and then it becomes my issue he is helping ME with. Jeez.

Mine talked an awful lot about DIY but actually never achieved anything much. HE was the lazy one of course. The old silent treatment wasn’t one he used but previous Mr nasty did so I do have some experience of it. It’s an effective one and now you’re probably relieved that the silence has been broken? So, his tactics worked but really who wouldn’t feel relieved after 3 weeks of that kinda tension?!

Maybe you could use this period of calm (whilst not letting on to him) to strengthen you/your mind/your plan/your resolve. It’s so easy to let the blanket of normality comfort you I know but this is just a section of the roundabout and not a fun one aye.

Take care. x*x

[Same-again]

Sorry – nearly (detail removed by Moderator) weeks. Jeez. No wonder your head is in bits hun.

[Buddy]

Thanks same-again , you are spot on , he causes me to become anxious , to the point I am not functioning around the home and then it’s like he comes as a night in shining armour and cleans, cooks for children etc.
It then makes me think well he is right , I am s**t .
My anxiety has been through the roof with the silent treatment , it’s worse than him throwing things ! He said to me (detail removed by Moderator).. he has done a good job of getting inside my head fair play .
I am going to use this period to build up my strength now that it’s not as tense in the house, as when it is tense I can’t get strong . He won’t fool me again
Are u out ? Or still with your partner ? Xx

[Buddy]

My mum just said to me the problem is , the good times are amazing but the bad times in your relationship are horrific !
This is exactly what has kept me here !

[Same-again]

Hi hun,

Yeah – the old knight in shining armour trick. They’re more like evil trolls on a donkey aren’t they – when you scratch the surface. I find it helps me laugh at them/him a bit. 🙂

I am less than (detail removed by Moderator) out so bit of a roller coaster emotionally of course.

One thing I would say (I’ve seen people mention it on here – I didn’t heed the warning) is try not to show him you’re stronger as mine switched his abuse tactic when he sensed I was pulling away. I actually smirked while he was doing his 1st thing in a morning raging session (how much I’d not done but it was him who’d done nowt-always was really). He said he’d wipe that smirk off my face – full on evil troll impression.

Later that morning he forced himself on me. It felt like more of a humiliation than anything else (it wasn’t violent, I was frozen/cowed) and I suspect he thought it would be his swan song. I think he knew the game was up so to speak.

Be careful and take care, they can read us very well.

[Same-again]

I think truthfully the ‘good times’ are more amazing because of the abject relief from the chaos/crisis/trauma/pain. The normality comfort blanket/cloak.

Something I felt really helped calm me in the summer was doing yoga again. There’s tons on youtube but I’d recommend Sarah Beth as she has some great ones for anxiety and she has such a calming voice & isn’t like those yoga bunny annoying ones (sorry).

It’s free (you don’t have to subscribe) and honestly it was a game changer for me. All those lovely positive affirmations. Great for the soul & gave me some peace which then made me stronger.

Might be difficult with him being there I don’t know but worth a try maybe?!

Take care. xx

[Buddy]

Thanks same-again , you are right.
I am going to the hun , which certainly helps !
Honestly it’s like he has a changed personality , suddenly , eye contact and talking to me .. I am relieved as my anxiety has calmed , I just been here before, it’s like we are going around in circles . So I am going to plan my escape better now my anxiety isn’t through the roof ! Xx

[Author]

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