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    • #147353
      Tea-and-biscuits
      Participant

      So it’s been about a couple of months since I left. I wanted to get in a regular pattern with child care. As much as I’d love sole custody of the kids I know that’s not fair so suggested 50/50. (detail removed by moderator)

      So it’s really hard to plan ahead as the days change through out the wks. I can’t make appointments, can’t plan days at work for over time , can’t plan wk ends away with or without the kids. (detail removed by moderator) I feel like I keep compromising but don’t think it’s practicly. Kids are happy with this arrangement it’s more me it effects. Luckily have no holidays booked but I imagine having the kids for a full wk won’t be allowed. When he picks the kids up he sits in the door way talking to the kids for ages rather than just getting them and going.

    • #147363
      Mellow
      Participant

      This is my issue he won’t give me is working calendar I can’t plan he just gives me days during the week I can’t enjoy myself now unless it’s made last minute just another form of control

    • #147364
      maddog
      Participant

      It’s really important to understand that when you’re negotiating with an abuser, you’re not negotiating with someone who thinks in the same way as you do. You can’t negotiate with an abuser. The Court Said is really helpful. There are places that Women’s Aid recomend. If it’s hurting you, it’s hurting the children. Will DM you

      • #147724
        Tea-and-biscuits
        Participant

        Yes that’s exactly how I see it. They still keep the power. There seems to never be an escape.

    • #147734
      Mellow
      Participant

      For me I can’t plan he keeps saying go ahead plan but it’s no good if I have to waste money cancelling .my kids are happy they are fine but it’s me !

    • #147738
      Tea-and-biscuits
      Participant

      You seem like your really are getting the same treatment as me. I started divorce proceedings and he is using this to manipulate my child against me. It just never stops . Constant manipulation. The words the kids come home saying I can tell are his words. The kids told me not to (detail removed by moderator). Also going on about how it’s (detail removed by moderator). Its not stuff primary kids should say. My husband is a poison.. I’m lonely and keep thinking about life back with him and things like this make me realise I could never go back.

    • #147756
      lionessinthedark
      Participant

      I feel you. Torn between wanting to keep my child as far away from my ex as possible and the fact that I have no support and struggle health wise. My ex never wants to plan ahead, doesn’t take time off during school holidays and likes to keep changing the ‘routine’ we have since I left (detail removed by moderator) ago. It’s a nightmare, it’s stressful for me and I think my child doesn’t benefit from it either, but in the end, I reckon my ex does it on purpose as well, because he knows it stresses me out and he likes to be in control and know I am unwell.

    • #147806
      Daff
      Participant

      I have a court order in place and it states school hoildays are 50/50. Everything is left until last minute with him and if I say no I have to explain myself, not even to him but the 3rd party whos involved. He’s even arguing with the kids about it. It’s unfair the kids can’t arrange anything with their friends because they are worried about upsetting him. Its all a mind game to them.

    • #147817
      Tea-and-biscuits
      Participant

      So even the courts aren’t that helpful. To me it pubishes the kids further. I am planning to go on holiday for (detail removed by moderator). Told my x and said nicely (detail removed by moderator). Then the (detail removed by moderator) we will be back for him to have them. He’s now asked if he can come on holiday with us. I don’t want my holiday with him. All the photos, making memories. Meals together. Its took me years to break free. This would put me right in it. He’s already told the kids he want to come and he will (detail removed by moderator). The kids now think I’m the bad one for saying no. He could take them away the second d half and give them an amazing time. Arr why is life so hard.

    • #147818
      maddog
      Participant

      UUUrrghhh!! He’s trying to hoover you back and is using the children as leverage. You will be able to find a reason why he absolutely can’t come with you. It may be family or friends, or somewhere you’re going.

      My ex was very insistent that he was going to (detail removed by moderator). There was no way it was possible for him. It didn’t stop him loitering around the house and sending threatening emails. It was horrible.

      Post separation abuse is often worse than the abuse when living together. He wants to suck you back in to fulfil his own needs and if he’s able, he’ll do it again and again. How awful for you.
      You’ve already done so well to escape, and I expect your household is far calmer without him.

    • #147819
      Hereforhelp
      Participant

      Hey tea and biscuits, my experience of co parenting after separation just didn’t work. My husband is and will always be abusive, using our youngest teenagers so I started to say no to his wants after separation, if it wasn’t planned or he didn’t stick to plans (which is what he did, he also tried every trick in the book to get back ‘in’).
      I kept saying to myself, we are separated because of your behaviour,
      You are impacting our children so just ‘no’. I stopped listening to his stupid useless words which meant nothing and stuck to no. He would say how unfair, to our kids too… he impacted our children’s mental health, I do not want him near them as I do not trust him, I would want anyone I do nit trust left alone with my children. He wouldn’t hit them, he is a classic headworker with them.
      We are no contact now and we are all starting to heal. You can say no, fairness didn’t come into your relationship when he was being nasty to you, he will not be fair re your kids either, he will use them to get what he wants. My 2 children started to say stuff that their dad said (when he did see them) that was enough. Your ex is hoovering and using your kids to triangulate.
      Him telling your children how he wants to come and will (detail removed by moderator) blah blah is all to make him look good and you bad you are spot on with that, if you can nip this behaviour from your ex in the bud. He will keep talking to your kids about this holiday and include himself (getting them excited as ‘daddy wants to come on holiday too’ all said to emotional manipulate his own children into getting what he wants, a way back in.
      Stay strong as you have done amazing getting out, as bettertimesahead has said, abuse can be worse post separation. Have you looked up Grey rock method? I found that really helpful when my ex was acting out like yours. I think most of us on here would like to co parent, if you try and your abusive ex is making it harder, causing you anxiety (which kids pick on on) and you feel strong/safe enough you have every right to say no to his requests without explanation other than ‘ we are separated, that means we do things separately now so stop including yourself in plans I make with our children. The fear, anxiety, guilt your ex causes you is continuing as he is refusing to accept the separation and he wants control back. Don’t let him have any control, you are your children’s rock, you got yourself and them away from abuse, do not let him back in in any way if you can

    • #147825
      lionessinthedark
      Participant

      I feel it’s so hard not to let them back in. I constantly have to pay attention to his behaviour, what I say in front of our child (so it doesn’t get accidentally repeated in front of my ex) and yet make it all as pleasant as possible for our child. But when I try to keep things pleasant I feel I often get caught back into playing along and pretending all is ok in front of him, like I used to when we were together. I feel these behaviours are so deeply engrained that it can often be hard to shake them off, even when you managed to leave. For me, the pandemic also made it harder, because my ex was the only person I saw during lockdowns when he picked up our child and I feel I let him join in more again (like enter my flat etc.). Be strong, it’s your holiday, he has no place in your life and I know it takes constant reminding yourself, but whatever he did to you, does not make him deserve a nice treatment after. Co-parenting with an abuser sucks big time.

    • #147826
      Mellow
      Participant

      I had to share a day with him post separation as well but I told him that would be the last time and I think he sorta knew .i had friends around so didn’t matter too much but it won’t happen again he was in my house and everything but no I’ve said something else will have to be sorted next time cause I can’t be around hun

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