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    • #84583
      diymum@1
      Participant

      ive lost a friend over the weekend – this situation has been building for a few years. you know we read and read and we start to see VERY clearly. a pattern off behaviour is apparent. everything i read i thought this is this person!/friend. its tricky because she is from a different background so i always made allowances. but once her behaviour unfolded i found myself withdrawing and she saw that as apparent and she did not take this very well. i dont drink and i watched her drink carrying her first child ‘sometimes in public’ i did say you cant do that but no she kept on. i saw the baby at home after a week i hospital weighing a very low amount off pounds. it was the frailest baby i have ever seen. my partner and were ill that night thinking my goodness. this is the wife of a very good friend of my partners so were tied. now we see her for being very manipulative she restricts her partner also our friend time with us. because they have a baby. weve taken a step back from her so punishment. so months have gone by weve made excuses to not to see her. so to date she sends us pictures of her baby with my daughter quoted ‘(detail removed by moderator)’ is this manipulation? am i learning too much and seeing this for what this really is? one thing is for sure i will not stand manipulation in my life ever again xxxx

      what are your thoughts xx

    • #84591
      BeautyMarked
      Participant

      This is very sad. It’s awful when the actions of someone impact upon children, let alone one who hasn’t even started out in life yet. I completely get what you mean. Ever since I have been reading and researching, I see things all the time. I’ve become hyper vigilant and I sometimes wonder if I’m over reacting and just being over sensitive. The thing I’ve noticed is that I too will not tolerate certain behaviours from people anymore (the ex excepted). I don’t think this is a bad thing actually because it just means that I am starting to really understand and have the confidence to assert what boundaries I have now. When I see certain things I will probe in a gentle way in case there is more to the situation that the person hasn’t felt able to talk about for fear of thinking it’s them. There’s not judgement or accusations thrown about just understanding and awareness.

      I can see how it might be manipulation. You’ve tried to establish a bit of a boundary because of the behaviour of this person and they are trying to get back in by using the children. There are better ways. Together with the other stuff you describe it seems like she may have a controlling side and certainly seems to think only of herself if she drank to that extent throughout her pregnancy. Together they’re not great signs so I see why you are concerned about her x

    • #84606
      fizzylem
      Participant

      I’d need more info DM, but I dont need more info to know this has troubled you. Its a real ball ache isnt it when a friend or family member is with someone controlling and manipulative, it spoils it for everyone.

      If it’s your partner’s friend (the person he wants to stay intouch with) I’d be inclined to let him deal with it and offer my support. It sounds like neither of you hold this woman in high regard, so is it understandable between the two of you that if you get jointly invited to anything, then sometimes you might not feel up to it and may need to back out, but on the days you feel able you will come along for support?

      Think the best way to deal with these type of folk is to keep them at arms length but treat them like everyone else and be your lovely self regardless – to dodge getting entangled – not let them in.

      But, if she tries to pull you into her manipulation, and succeeds sometimes, and it starts to feel unmanageble then the only way to deal with her is to cut her off, this stops more drama ontop of more drama and more hurt ontop of hurt ocurring. Sometimes we can manage these people because we don’t really see them that much and can side step the manipulation because we see it for what it is – sounds like this may be the case here?

      You dont need to say you’re cutting contact either do you, you just do it and walk away if this is what you need to do. If you feel like this though then I’m guessing your partner would need to know this and step in and shield you from time to time; if he still wishes to keep in contact with his friend – so you both need to have an understanding and an agreement re how you both want to deal with it. Guess only you two can workout how you will deal with it together hey. What you dont want is arguements between the two of you about it.

      It depends how much it effects you I guess, whether you can tolerate her on the occassions you see her or not.

      Do you think you might be looking for the self permission to walk away flower? xx

    • #84616
      diymum@1
      Participant

      thanks to you both – well i just cant sleep! my partner has called her out on the behaviour. her partner his friend agreed – she was shouting and screaming in the background. it looks like the friendship is done for the boys. for me i feel quite hard because i never let this woman in to be a true friend. i only tolerated her. could never work her out before until recently its always niggled at me and morally it just didnt sit right. im glad and relieved in some respects but again this triggers me xxxx

      i feel because ive spoken up and explained ive also opened my partners eyes up and now he is hurting. this is his best friend xx what do you do though being selfish and damaging a life growing is wrong. to see the kid too really upset us ad for him because he lost a baby before he felt id say deeply wounded by what we saw. we did try to politely say stop at the time but no she kept on. so the decision is made cut all ties xxxx

    • #84617
      NewWings
      Participant

      I think once you under stand the power of manipulation and the fundamental crashing of boundaries that are necessary for effective coercion to work, you cannot stand it. You saw abuse it’s hard but what you saw hurt you and angered you naturally. When my husband lured my sons away I crumbled, all my divorce paperwork had been lost and my favourite uncle died. It was a perfect storm. I was bereft and then my sister decided to write to my doctors demanding to know my treatment. That I have to say was the final straw. She dismissed any of my boundaries and meddled in my life believing every lie of my no good husband. They would speak regularly on the phone and organise my life. She refused to listen to a word I had to say. What has this got to do with your friend? Their behaviour for one an unwillingness to listen a dismissal of any concerns. My sister has tried to get me to get in contact by sending me a picture of my son! I was so hurt. Another so called friend who had ignored any attempts by me to get in contact, when she heard I wasn’t well tried every trick in the book apps different phone numbers to get me to answer. I so low at that point I didn’t want to talk to anyone. When we eventually met up by chance it was all about her there were tears. I felt bad and said I was not fit then for company. Recently I bumped into her again and she told me she had bad news, all the indicators for cancer, i’d just been to the funeral of a very old friend who’d fought it for (detail removed by moderator). Turns out it’s (detail removed by moderator) so no cancer. My previous instinct was confirmed. This took longer to explain than I thought. You saw behaviour that you felt indicated abuse, you have put in place boundaries, standards of behaviour that you need to be respected. Neither my sister or my now acquaintance will be allowed any real attention. I have enough going on in my life without their drama. I think you did the right thing.

    • #84618
      diymum@1
      Participant

      you know new wings – and thanks for your opinion appreciated 🙂 im saddened tonight because it makes me feel awful to see people having to use these tactics for there own selfish emotional needs. i know we cant be skippimg through fields off daisies all the time (but it would be nice) im sorry to hear youve been through all off this too. using a diagnosis to get sympathy is a terrible thing to do! were strong and will get past this – its hard but much better in the long run to not have people like this around us xxxx

    • #84639
      NewWings
      Participant

      Like the idea of skipping through the daisies, but you’re right it’s a really horrible way to get attention. I re read your post and realised she used a picture with your daughter it’s what I thought I read and the more I thought about it the more it reminded me of the behaviour I’ve put up with for years. Can I say they wouldn’t even engage if we did the same. My sister tried to tell me it was coincidence that she turned up on holiday in the same part of the world that I was staying. It was my ex who put her up to it but she volunteered. I am so glad I went no contact.

    • #84697
      fizzylem
      Participant

      It’s a bit like tough love DM isnt it, you simply cant go along with it. Great it’s not come between you and you are together on this as this sort of thing can damage relationships if he feels you’re not giving him what he needs from you here.

      It’s done then, it sounds like it could be helpful to his friend think about why this is, why it’s come to this, maybe one day he will get his friend back when he leaves her. Sounds like it would be anything but an amicable break up though doesn’t it and a child contact fight.

      You can’t save the world, but you can always choose how to respond to it and others x

    • #84703
      diymum@1
      Participant

      hi there mrs 🙂

      yeh weve stuck together on this decision- now we have had a hear felt apology from his wife but only addressing the fact that she did this infront of my partner knowing he had lost his daughter. no really addressing he behaviour. she was crying and playing the victim which I expected. were d**g nothing for now I feel abit harsh butwe will make a decision in time but not sure if we really want her back in our lives because its not a good influence on our girl xxxx love diymum

    • #84706
      fizzylem
      Participant

      And so the story continues! Sadly this is what happens isnt it, the drama continues for another day until you step away completely. Stand firm guys xx

    • #84707
      diymum@1
      Participant

      yeh that’s true its hard work with people who have little or no boundaries xxxx

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