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    • #108436
      Thistle06
      Participant

      so I’m about to leave on (detail removed by moderator) told him I was taking the kids and leaving. His first reaction was is that legal, then ever since he’s been a nice as pie to me. This is the man who told me he had to stay in the marital home to protect my children from me and thst I was so frightening he thought he would be stabbed. So am finding his current behaviour extremely disarming. Has anyone had a similar experience where their long term power and control abuser acts like it means nothing? My daughter has found this very upsetting. She said its like he just doesn’t care.

    • #108438
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Yes, I think most of us have had this experience. Once they know you are going, they try every trick in the book. Nonchalance, love bombing, coercion, emotional blackmail and every tactic that they can wheel out to make you stay. When the first tactic fails they try a new one and they just keep going. He’ll still be trying it on after you’ve left.

      Once you are out, please go non-contact. Block him from everything and if you can ask a relative if they will deal with any contact about the children. stay strong Thistle. Keep posting if you need us. xx

    • #108449
      Thistle06
      Participant

      Thankyou for your reply, its really messing with my head, he even said he would help me move. The man who doesn’t even get his children a drink or talk to them during the day when he is working. Of course all of this is making me feel guilty. I’ve been camped out in the spare room for over (detail removed by moderator) weeks with the children. Not once has he given a d**n.
      Im so pleased to be leaving and so proud of myself and I don’t want to talk myself round to being the bad guy. He refused to discuss our marriage and refused to discuss his behaviour (not mine he was happy to talk about that ) and said he wouldn’t move as half the house was his!!!

    • #108452
      Sarah30
      Participant

      Yes I’m in a very similar situation myself at the minute and it completely throws you doesn’t it? I’ve been saying I want to leave to my other half for nearly (detail removed by moderator) weeks and he’s trying every trick in the book saying he’ll change, setting us up a joint account, going to counselling, being really loving etc but also he’s suffocating me and not letting me have space. It’s a clever tactic to wear us down and make us stay. Their really not stupid people are they, very good at manipulating us. Be strong 💪🏻 be brave have courage you can do this!!!!!

    • #108454
      Eggshells
      Participant

      It’s very typical for the man to refuse to move out. So much so that it’s almost indicative of an abusive relationship. There are occasionally other reasons why the woman moves out but I reckon that 9/10 times, if the woman moves out, it’s the sign of an abusive relationship.

      These men have very odd thought processes but his offer to help you move out will be to try and manipulate you. He’ll assume that you think like he does. If he was moving out and you offered to help him what would he think? What ever he would think, that is what he is trying to trigger in you. E.g, if you had offered to help him move out, would he see that as an indication that you are desperate to get rid of him and therefore, feel very hurt? If so, then he’s trying to hurt you. Or maybe he’s trying to prove how understanding he is in the hope you will see this wonderful side to him and decide to stay. Either way, it’s a tactic.


      @Sarah30
      mine also did all of those things. Once he realised it wasn’t working the facade dropped. He really couldn’t keep it up for very long.

    • #108456
      iliketea
      Participant

      Same here too. It’s a tactic. Or they really believe that if they totally ignore what you’re saying it might just go away. Be very careful as leaving is the time when things can get the most dangerous. He might think you’re not going to follow through. So when you do he could literally see red and flip out as he realises he’s losing all his power and control. He will feel totally entitled to do whatever he thinks is justified. This is when women get physically hurt for the first time, or killed. Not to scare you but please be careful. Xx

    • #108474
      Wheresmysparklegone
      Participant

      Its so incredibly hard to leave. My friends and family really don’t understand it. Also if this was happening to any of my friends I would say the same thing. Until you’re in it you don’t realise how difficult it is.

    • #108483
      Eggshells
      Participant

      I think that is very true @wheresmysparklegone. What we go through is so far removed from normality that “normal” people (those who haven’t been abused) can’t really comprehend it.

    • #108490
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Ahhh, yes the changing of the mask. I love that quote by Dr. Scott Peck in his book – People of the Lie – that says – You will know them by the consistency of their inconsistencies. Very true indeed. It’s all to cause the head to spin around though and you ladies are onto them! It’s rather boring after awhile, isn’t it? Like watching a child trying to fool you one more time and get their way and you’re sitting there looking on going….Really? Nice try but doesn’t work.

      I think once you see a pattern of lies then you can’t really give any credence to what they say or do at all. Trust is gone and deception is a constant so what’s the point in racking your brain about it all? But until you’re really out and gone for awhile, there’s that lingering pattern thingie in our brain that still wants to go there and think but what if, and what not, and oh my, etc. It’s just old lies bumping around in the brain though, like squirrels throwing nuts at each other up there. What wee little men really. Actually can’t call them men because they are too much like children for that.

      But good to stay on your guard because they are sneaky. After you’ve gotten away and able to have a peaceful life and not be around this horrific negative energy all the time, you’ll pass it all right through you like toxic gas! Just don’t light a match……..

    • #108530
      Wants To Help
      Participant

      Hi,

      Don’t accept his help to move out, it’s not a genuine offer of help at all. He just wants to know where you’re going so he can be sure you’re not moving in with another guy. He wants to know where you will be so he can keep tabs on you. And I reckon that he’d let you down on the day anyway and use any old excuse to prevent you from leaving – and you then can’t leave because you’d relied and depended on him to help you. Make your own arrangements, and try not to let him know the actual time and day that you do go. As @iliketea says, these are the most dangerous times for us.

    • #108553
      Thistle06
      Participant

      I know the real him is underneath it all , Mr i just want you to be happy ie you’re the problem you can’t be happy.. so I’m not falling for it. Its hard though isn’t it i know he’s manipulating me and expecting me to breakdown and feel guilty but I won’t no way . The only reason he helped me get my boxes from the garage was to ensure I took nothing of his.
      There’s absolutely no self reflection. Apparently I didn’t need to run away but never a thought as to why that was the only way out. I need him out of my head !!!

    • #108555
      diymum@1
      Participant

      Get your family reading up on the dynamics of control xx there’s loads on line – knowledge is power. Abusers think they are entitled to behave in this way. If you don’t like it that’s not there fault? This is their rediculous way Of thinking. The verbally abuse relationship can’t mind who wrote it but it explains all of this very well. It’s like it never happened that’s because it never affects them XX me me me these guys don’t develop properly I saw my ex had the emotional identity of a small tantrum ing child

    • #108597
      Thistle06
      Participant

      I know the real him is underneath it all , Mr i just want you to be happy ie you’re the problem you can’t be happy.. so I’m not falling for it. Its hard though isn’t it i know he’s manipulating me and expecting me to breakdown and feel guilty but I won’t no way . The only reason he helped me get my boxes from the garage was to ensure I took nothing of his.
      There’s absolutely no self reflection. Apparently I didn’t need to run away but never a thought as to why that was the only way out. I need him out of my head !!!

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