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    • #131795
      usrunner
      Participant

      Re-posting here from the ‘Getting out’ thread, as this one seems to get more traffic –

      Hi all

      I am nearly ready to leave – I have a place to go which is nearly set up. I will be taking my child with me when I go. I do not plan to discuss my leaving with my emotionally abusive partner in advance – I will leave him a letter and just go.

      My question is, are there legal consequences of taking my child with me without his consent? We both have parental responsibility. I do not want to jeopardise having my child stay with me, as I have always been the primary parent and he is very attached to me (and ambivalent about his father). I will apply for a court order if necessary, but would prefer not to as I am concerned it will provoke my partner (so will only do it if it seems like there’s no other way). ​

      If anyone has related experience or advice, I’d be very grateful!

    • #131796
      KIP.
      Participant

      Definitely get some legal advice, most solicitors offer free initial consultation or ring the national domestic abuse helpline. You need to tread carefully and don’t put anything in writing that he may use against you. You should be keeping a detailed journal of his behaviour and know that leaving is the most dangerous time and he will most likely escalate his abusive behaviour. Let your GP know about his abuse and document it. Contact your local women’s aid to help you navigate this time. Planning ahead will save you a lot of problems. Legally he has the same rights as you at the moment and he can use them against you so be prepared x

    • #131817
      SingleMomSurvivor
      Participant

      I agree with Kip & I’m basing what I’m about to say off of my own experience which was identical to what you’ve described. If you can, see if you can get some legal advice before you leave just so you can know what you might be up against in regards to custody. If it’s possible to get a court order to protect you & your kids my opinion is to do that. I was very scared to get the courts involved but I’m so glad I did. That is the only thing protecting me & my kids right now. Know that once you leave the abuse will probably escalate & the abuser may use a custody battle to further abuse you. A lot of these abusers proclaim they want custody of their kids because it makes them look good & like they are a stand up guy fighting for his “rights as a father.” In reality they don’t really want custody but they’ll use a custody battle to abuse you via ridiculous accusations about your unfitness as a mother. Start documenting his abuse & also document the things you do on a daily basis to take care of the kids as the primary caregiver-preparing meals, helping with schoolwork, overseeing grooming & hygiene, taking them to doctors appointments etc etc. I was the primary caregiver but after I left my abuser started making claims that he was the primary caregiver & that I couldn’t function independently as a mother. My documentation of all the things I’ve done on my own to take care of the kids will help disprove that. Also document on a daily basis his lack of involvement with the kids. For example, does he leave the house & leave you alone with the kids for long periods of time? Does he not help with homework, meals, schoolwork etc. These men will have no moral compass & they will stoop to the lowest of lows & use a custody battle to retaliate against you.

      In my opinion, be very very careful about leaving him a letter. Abusers will use anything against you. Also it could put you in more danger. Know that the emotional abuse could escalate to physical violence & that leaving is a very dangerous time. Take every measure you can to protect you & your kids.

    • #131835
      Wants To Help
      Participant

      Hi usrunner,

      My advice is different to what you have been given. As long as you are not leaving the country with your child (and this includes from England to Scotland for instance) there is nothing to stop you from leaving an abusive relationship and taking your child with you. I also think that leaving a letter for him to find after you have gone is a good idea, otherwise he could report you both as ‘missing’ to the police and they will be duty bound to try and locate you, and once you have explained you have left due to domestic abuse they will be duty bound to record it and potentially investigate, which may not be what you want. Keep a copy of any letter you leave, or perhaps send an email that he will receive the same day but after you have left. You can bet that these things will be used in evidence in court cases, so it’s best you have a record of them too.

      What you appear to have been doing is what is usually recommended. You have planned your escape and put things in place to leave safely, and as it is never recommended that an abused woman leaves without her children, you have planned a safe escape for you both. I do not see what is wrong with that, there are ladies on here who are being advised to do that all the time.

      The danger that may come of this is his claim for sole residency of your child and allegations of parental alienation. My recommendation would be that the letter/email informs him you have left him and that further contact will be via a solicitor’s letter to him within a certain time frame and he will need to instruct a solicitor to reply to yours, or he can choose to reply to your solicitor, but make it clear you will not engage with him directly. Once you have fled in this way it is very hard to try and make any negotiations with an abuser about ongoing child contact yourself. Abusers will be caught up in the Revenge Cycle which is Pain – Rage – Retaliation – Revenge, which explains a lot why they use the court system for child contact but then really don’t want it once they’ve got it (it’s very typical they will cancel weekends with their children at short notice just to mess up your child-free weekend plans for instance.)

      There may be some concerns raised by the courts regarding distance, if for instance, you lived in Cornwall and relocated to Newcastle, but generally, there is only an offence of child abduction if you take your child out of its country of ‘habitual residence’ without the consent of the other parent.
      Depending on the level of abuse towards you, and what your child has witnessed, the courts will usually award contact. Although all of us would prefer to do this without a court order it really is best to get one in place as this sets out clear rules of who has your child and when. If he then fails to return your child to you as per the order you can take him back to court for the breach. Without an order in place he can keep your child with him after a visit and you would then have to apply to the court for contact or return, which is a costly and lengthy process.

      Good luck with your plan, I hope it all goes smoothly.

    • #131845
      Watersprite
      Participant

      Hello usrunner How are you doing? I think it depends on your and your children’s circumstances. In all honesty I would trust your gut. Safety first always! The rest can be sorted after and abusers sadly do make the after difficult so keep a paper trail and evidence. We fled with social services input and left a note saying we were safe and together and any contact after was always through a solicitor. The courts have helped us after but in that extreme time do whatever keeps you safest. Good luck – you can do this x*x

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