leaving at last

[Brave]

I am new on here too. Finally plucked up courage to post, after reading the forum for a couple of weeks.So many posts chime with me so much. I am preparing to to leave my long-term relationship very soon and am going through so many similar thoughts and emotions…

It was really almost by chance that I came to start understanding the I have been subjected to emotional abuse for a very long time. It hurts so much to know that is what has been going on. I have tried to leave before, as I was so unhappy, but was required to “give reasons” and justify my going. Now I realise this was also abusive behaviour. He contacted my closest friends after I left, claiming how lost he was without me.. ( again, controlling). So many things that have happened that I now see clearly for what they were. Seemingly little things, on their own, but a constant drip, drip, drip of criticism, belittling and demeaning comments have worn me down so much at times. And how did I come to realise?
I have been reading a lot, including books recommended here – Why does he do that? Living with the Dominator and others. Having information and an explanation of what has been going on is so helpful. Scary, shocking and upsetting. But mainly helpful. As is knowing I am not alone.

I am gathering my strength to leave, trying to get my ducks in a row. Professional help has been so good – it’s hard to talk to friends, especially ones who know us both, as it is difficult for them to understand how bad it has been. The good ones are there for me though, which helps so much.
I am trying very hard not to let my anxiety take over, just to take one step at a time. I have had depression on and off for many years and now I think I understand why.
I don’t want to live this way any more!
Thank you for helping me find the strength to go.

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi Brave, it’s good to see you posting x

Have you spoken with WA to help plan your escape? It sounds like you are getting professional help, but leaving is a dangerous time so just wanted to suggest you speak with WA as well to ensure you get all the help possible.
It sounds very controlling indeed, you wanting to leave should be enough reason, but it’s what they do. It’s good you have found this forum and have read books to help get you this clarity over what has been happening to you, it helps validate that it’s not right what happened. In fact it’s all kinds of wrong.
It wouldn’t surprise me if your depression was related to how he has treated you. I developed a depression some years ago too – something he has enjoyed using against me and of course I wasn’t allowed to tell my then therapist how he beat me up every week back then, so in some ways I am surprised I got better, but I did. And you can too, sometimes we just need a little help from our GP or from a counsellor, so if you haven’t spoken with your GP about it, that might also be a good idea.
I really like your name. What you are about to do is so brave. Keep safe and keep posting x

[Brave]

Hi AlwaysSorry
Thanks so much for your reply.
I tried to post several times this evening, but he kept appearing and I had to stop. He seems to have realised that something is going on, and suggested going to couples counselling again.. we have been before and it was not helpful – I realise now why. He manipulated the sessions, so I sat and cried and came across as a mess and it looked like he was having such a hard time putting up with me.
I had mentioned emotional abuse to him recently – so I said the only way he could improve things is for him to see someone on his own and get help with his behaviour. He seems to have found someone and plans to go this week… I knew it was probably not a good idea to talk to him about it. It is all too little, too late,band even if he does go to see someone, I have no idea if he will take on board what he has done. He was trying to make excuses of stress and maybe he needs help with anger managemen
t.
I can sense him worming his way back into my head and I just do not want to let that happen. He just wants us to stay together, so he says. But actually, he never asks me what I want. And that in itself tells me a lot, now that I have noticed.

I have been seeing a counsellor, who has been really helpful. Saw my GP initially. Although I was not aware what was really happening when I saw her. Not contacted WA directly re leaving, thanks for advice, will contact I think. Did ask them for some related advice.
Glad you like my name, it is really self-talk!
X

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