Leaving but what do I do when I get there? X

[clementine]

Ok, so I’ve been waiting for my husband to move out like he’s been promising me for the last 5 months. Stupidly I believed he was going as he told the kids hed be moving.

So I need to go. I can in about a week. I’ll be taking the kids several hours away.

What do I do first?

Do I start divorce? How do I arrange him seeing kids? How do I do this?

I know I need to stop giving him the benefit of the doubt and start the next chapter.

Need all advice you can give me? What do I do first once I’m in new place?

[Tiffany]

You look after yourself. And your kids. And you absolutely don’t arrange for him to see the kids. That’s his responsibility. You arrange a limited way he can contact you – I would suggest email as then you can at least block him on your phone. Whatever you do don’t give him your address. Cutting contact is really important in the early stages as you are at your most vulnerable to being persuaded to return.

Then you gather your support network. Women’s aid are probably the best place to start. They can give you sound advice as to what order to do things in. I would also get registered with the GP and tell them about the abuse. It’s another support network. Start telling friends and family if you think they will be supportive – it’s safest not to tell until you are away incase they tip your partner off, but after that they can be a huge help.

Everything else can be done after that. The important thing is to get away.

[clementine]

Thanks for your reply.

I will do that – but he will know where I am. It’s the only place I have to go.

I can’t keep the children from him. They want to see him. But I’m worried if I left hem with him he wouldn’t give them back.

I’m worried then if he took me to court – it’s not going to look good me not letting him see the kids, is it?

I have no proof of the way he has treated me and he’s already said he will deny everything o say and tell them I’m the abusive one and I’m the one with a temper etc. It’s my word against his.

[freedomtochoose]

Hello there,
Having been to this place in my head and in practical terms, personally (and I do respect others viewpoints) I would steer clear of email.

My advice would be to buy a second phone solely for this use (this was what WA advised me at the time) – this will help with your boundaries. It feels articial at first but at least for a while you will know that he will not be bothering you on your day to day phone – which is such an important thing as a mother.

As for the rest. Step by step. Try not to overload yourself. We are all here for you going forward.
Self care and look after your kids.

First priority

all best ftc
x

[clementine]

Second phone is a great idea, thank you.

[KIP.]

Get some free legal advice from Rights for Women. Most solicitors will give you a free initial consultation. Try to use a third party for all communication. A solicitor can draw up a legal agreement for visitation so that if he doesn’t return the children then the law is on your side. Get yourself out and safe first. The rest will fall into place little by little. If he cared at all about you and your children he would move out and let you stay in your home but he doesn’t care. He will use the children at every opportunity. You are their mum and need to protect them. If they wanted to see a dangerous dog, would you allow it. Same for protecting them from a harmful parent. He’s abuive now and he will get worse when you leave x

[clementine]

Thank you.

So many people have said to me though that I am the one that wants to leave him so why should he leave? I should be the one to go. I’m so confused.

[clementine]

Also- what would I need to take with me? Marriage certificate, details of bank accounts etc?

I don’t know what I would need for the kids and me.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Clementine, WA can help with the paperwork that you should take with you. Bank accounts mortgage papers, birth certificates, marriage papers. Medication, favourite toy even, some clothes. It’s so hard trying to think logically when all around is so alien and chaotic
💕💕

[clementine]

Thank you. I can’t ring them today so I’m going to try and get hold of them on Thursday when he’s back at work.

A friend has offered for me to go and stay with her until I can get to other place. Even then I’m worried because it’s 5 hours away and a boat ride. She’s middle of nowhere.

I still, despite it all, feel awful for taking th kids away from him and I know it will push his temper through the roof.

[diymum@1]

You’ll be pulled emotionally by the kids to let them see their dad perhaps with out a court order. Its really important that you make all the decisions about contact, their safety comes first and yours, they dont understand whats going on in his mind. They may not see him until the court order is in place but that will hurt them less than seeing more abuse directed at you from him.

A pay as you go phone is the best way to go. He will try to get to you he has a real need to keep control this is like life and death to him.He wont stop until you put your boundaries in place. Your within your rights if he has been abusive to keep a safe distance xx Stay strong and safe diy mum xx

[clementine]

I have no proof he’s been abusive though. That’s my problem.

I just want to go now, but I can’t.

He’s tryinf to convince me I’ve said two major things today that I am 100% sure I didn’t – completely twisting what I did say and meant into something completely unrelated.

It’s his word against mine so I’m worried about court.

He’ll make things as hellish as possible and I’m just really worried about the future. I’m worried he’ll get access to the kids as he only works half of each week so I’m worried he’ll go for 50/50. Equally I’m worried about how I’ll work as a single mother and earn money.

But mostly I just need to be away from him. I’m so worn down.

[diymum@1]

Have you kept a journal? or can you write everthing down thats happened and date it? Can anyone who youve spoken to, or has witnessed his behaviour write a statement for you? I know they twist it but it might be worth telling the police hes using manipulation. I see theyve moved forward again with regards to non violent abuse. THis is a really current topic use that to your advantage. Id book a GP app and tell her whats happened get her to write to the court for you. you should get tax credits if your a single parent that helps to pay for after school club etc xx

[clementine]

I’ve just started keeping a journal but I still feel like anyone could just make something like that up if they really wanted to.

I’m worried about GP incase they inform social services.

Yes I have some friends that might be willing to do that. Do you think that would help?

[Iwantmeback]

Gp won’t involve social services unless the children are at risk. That comes about if the police have been involved before because of violent behaviour and you take them back, so you’re then putting them at risk by being with this violent person.(this is in general, I’m not saying this is your relationship) By keeping them away from him because you’re scared of him and what he could do, because of what he’s said and done over the years, is proving you are being the responsible parent and keeping them out of harms way. You’re doing so well, none of us would choose this life, we just have to deal with it the best way we can.
💕💕

[Tiffany]

Keep in mind that it is going to be much easier to access support from women’s aid once you are out as you will not need to find times which are safe to call them. This will make all the steps that come after easier to negotiate as they can help you. And you can contact all the other agencies who can help with legal rights and stuff without worrying that talking to them is putting you in danger with your partner. You will be able to do this.

[clementine]

Thank you.

Yes, I feel I can’t access support very easily right now and I suspect that’s why he’s decided to take a ridiculous amount of holiday over the next few months – to make sure I’m not up to no good.

Oh well, at least I know he’ll be nice to me today since he kicked off yesterday. I’ve had about 3 hours sleep and he, who claims to be broken by me and terrified about his future, was asleep within 10 minutes of getting into bed. Wish I could not give a d**n like him and get a good nights sleep.

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hide already in a safe place your valuable documents, passports, birth certificate, bank, credit cards, phone charger, etc…
Get some basics clothes clean and ready for you and your kids but leave them in the closet so he does’t suspect anything.
Keep your daily routine as usual, keep your energy by staying calm when he creates conflicts, and call women’s aid and get out as soon as he’s out the door. Try to get out before his holidays starts otherwise it will become more difficult. Mine did the same. Took holidays when his abuse worsened to block my way out. I took the next opportunity he went to work to get the hell out before his holidays started.
Don’t tell your kids in advance. Keep them calm. Bring their favorite teddy and toy or blanket. Buy the rest new once you are safe. When you contact women’s aid you get all the support you need to make the next steps. So be sure to get in touch with them even if you can go to a friends house. They will know how to guide you to the right places where you get support. Be strong, keep breathing and drink lots of water to keep hydrated ok.

[clementine]

I know what you mean about the holidays – I am worried, but I can’t get out until his next days off.

Place isn’t available until (detail removed by Moderator) and that’s during his first lot of holiday.

It all just seems so dramatic. And everyone else will think the same. He genuinely doesn’t understand why I want to end the marriage and although he’s admitted he has been abusive he says I am too and that what it comes down to is that I couldn’t handle his mental health.

I am getting everything ready. I’ve got a list of what I need, kids school stuff, medication, printing out worksheets for the kids and their maths books, keeping their clothes clean and a few outfits put aside in their drawers.

I feel awful doing it. I’m still feeling like I don’t want to anger him because I’ll xome off worse in the end as he’ll fight me the whole way and want to make me pay. I don’t have the confidence to go to court. I don’t want to risk him fighting me for custody of our kids purely out of spite.

Aargh! I know I need to go and I’m doing this but I just wish I could go on (detail removed by Moderator) when he’s back at work. It’s this waiting now that’s making me nervous.

[Only]

I feel like reading my life wrote about me

[Heneverlovedme]

Reading this sounded just the same as my experience leaving, it’s crazy.
I was sleeping on the couch yet he was packing belongings telling me & the kids for months he was leaving me but when the arguments started he just wouldn’t leave! I was the one walking on eggshells all the time, trying to keep things as normal as possible for the kids! I had no choice but to up & leave with my boys. Luckily I always knew I could count on my brother to help me out. I stayed with him from (detail removed by Moderator) till (detail removed by Moderator) when I finally found a home for us. I have been been NO CONTACT for (detail removed by Moderator) now. Feeling stronger every day! Everything will fall into place. I was with my husband or should I say “abuser” for (detail removed by Moderator) years, 4 children. I have finally seen the light. something is different within me this time. Stay safe & don’t waste another day of ur life feeling unloved or miserable x*x

[clementine]

So great that you managed to get out.

You have no contact with him – do the kids?
Have you divorced him? How did it go?

[Tiffany]

Could you stay at a b&b or with a friend or something for a couple of days before you go to where you are going? So you can get out before his holidays? You are right to think it will be safer and easier if he is not around.

[clementine]

I have no money whatsoever and currently my kids are really poorly with chest infections.

Spending his next few days working getting everything sorted that I can’t do when he’s off. Ring women’s aid, pack all paperwork, etc and get it hidden and ready – might mail everything to my sister. Going to try and get hold of rights for women.

There’s still a part of me that thinks we could be amicable. Am I being completely stupid?

He’s still telling me I’m blackmailing him by saying he needs to move out or I will.

[Tiffany]

I am really sorry, but it isn’t going to be amicable. I wish it could be, but with abusers it never is. Keep yourself safe. Sending import papers to your sister sounds like a good idea. If you have a car you might be able to pack a lot of stuff by pretending you are doing a clear out and are going to take it to the charity shop – it would mean having your packing chucked in black bahs, but you might be able to get more stuff put without him realising than if you are packing. If you don’t have a car you might be able to do similar if you have a friend who can take it until you leave – they might even be able to come and pick it up for you, by pretending they are doing you a favour and helping you with your clear out.

[Frankfurter]

Blackmailing him by saying he needs to go or you will???? The things that they say are just mad sometimes. Never mind that you’re just telling him what needs to happen. Never mind that he has been trying to confuse and control you for years. It’s like they live on a different planet, it really is.

[Author]

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