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I know my situation is not as bad as many. My partner is just grumpy and verbally abusive. Not the worst either. I am struggling with how to leave with my two young children. I feel trapped. We only rent so that’s ok. I have assets in cash and a professional job. It seems hard to leave. How do you do it on a practical basis I. I can’t inagine needing a refuge in my situation but with my job I can’t just move to my family as they live in the other side of the country. My daughter is school age in September so would like to sort before then.
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Hi there and welcome to the forum. I think contacting WA would be a good start fir you. Without their added input just applying for a house with local authorities is hard,plus if they know WA are involved you will be more of a priority. I too feel my situation isn’t as bad as most, it’s only verbal and grumpyness,but there’s threats of violence and former violent hitting too. Any form of pushing nipping, hair pulling, poking, the little things that WE don’t see as physical abuse are just that. Also verbal abuse will eventually lead to physical at some stage. Have you ever flinched from him because you thought he was going to hit you? It’s things like that, that we trivialise too. We are also guilty of stereotyping domestic violence, because we aren’t like the ladies in the adverts or movies we deny we are abused women for so long. It also creeps up on you so slowly, each moment is quickly put down to something else, you didn’t put enough salt in his dinner, he’s had a bad day at work, a bit too much to drink, you didn’t take his tablets out of the strip for him, anything is an excuse for his bad behaviour. Leo posting, we can help you through this awful time, particularly emotionally. Have you read any books on the subject yet? Good luck.
IWMB 💕💕 -
I think you are definitely underplaying how bad it is. I think it might help strengthen your resolve to go if you start keeping a record of his abusive behaviour. Every time he shouts at you. Every time he calls you names. Any time he threatens you. And especially any time he scares the kids.
I would also start getting other agencies involved. Starting with women’s aid is probably the best idea. They can help you see what is going on and make a safe plan to leave. I am particularly worried about your kids. You mentioned in a previous post that you think he may hurt them when you are not looking and that your child has accused him of hurting her. My main concern about you leaving is that you ensure once you are gone that your abuser doesn’t get unsupervised access to the kids. I think you should probably gather evidence of his abuse as you plan to leave so that you can demand that he only get supervised contact with your kids. Women’s aid can tell you exactly what you need to do. I would suggest that a good starting place would be to go to the GP and tell them what is going on.
Practically, leaving if you have a bit of money and rent your house is fairly straightforward. You find a new house to rent (in secret). You get the key and move in. Once you are safely in your new home you inform your abuser that the relationship is over. You do not tell him where you are living. If your partner works you may be able to get all of your belongings out while he is away. If not you can go in with the police there to protect you and get your stuff that way. This probably seems like an overreaction to the situation that you see as “not too bad” but I promise you it isn’t. Once he realises that you plan to leave he will up the levels of abuse either by love bombing and guilt tripping if he thinks he can win you back or scarily by turning violent.
I know this is hard to believe at the moment, but it is a serious possibility. I didn’t believe my partner would hurt me. And he had hit me multiple times over the year before I left! This is why making a written record of what is going on is so important and also why it’s a good idea to get women’s aid and also other agencies involved when you are leaving.
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Hi @tiffany, your way of leaving is how I’m planning to do it. You’ve just put the words in that were missing in my head, so thank you. Because it doesn’t seem too bad, we definately trivialise what has happened, to the extent that we actually don’t remember any of it. I’m remembering things now that I think surely that didny happen, why did I put up with that. I’d love to think I could just say, (name) are over, I don’t love you, I eirh you wrll, but we’re over, and leave just go, but I can’t. It’s not that I don’t want to hurt him, I’m over feeling that, it’s I’m scared of what will be said or done that stops me telling him we’re over. I’m going to write your advice down,especially about the love bombing, we always think he’ll become more aggressive but forget the turning nicer cos I’ll firget it if i don’t 😂
IWMB 💕💕 -
Honestly, love bombing is the biggest risk to our leaving safely. We don’t believe it is “that bad”. Then when we say it’s over they turn up the love bombing, convincing us that the bad stuff was all in our heads. By the time the nasty stuff comes around then we’ve forgotten that we were going to leave. We have to start over planning. And then we tell him that we are leaving and he starts love bombing and then we go round again. And again. And again. Then when it finally doesn’t work, we say no, the love bombing is not enough, I am really leaving they get furious that we aren’t accepting the love bombing. And then there is no knowing what they will do. That’s why women’s aid advises going quietly without telling them, and not ending it until you are safely away from the love bombing and the danger of physical abuse.
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Thank you again for such sage advice. We still see them as normal dont we so in a normal relationship you do the decent thing and tell them you’re not happy, but these aren’t normal relationships so we sneak away. It’s the being sneaky that’s killing me more than how he behaves. I’ve become someone I don’t respect anymore. I hope I find that person once I leave.😏
IWMB 💕💕
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I normalised my ex’s behaviour. Those chickens are coming home to roost which is horrible. Their behaviour is not normal. It is not normal to feel permanently undermined and put down. It may seem on the face of ut thst it’s ‘only’ verbal abuse. The attitude seeps into every area of a shared life. I just thought I had a rubbish marriage, I’d chosen it and I had to live with my decision. I was very, very wrong. Please keep a diary and bring in the professionals. It took me a stupid long time to recognise the behaviour of my ex. Now I understand better why (usually) women are killed. How we underestimate the danger we are in!
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My oh has never tried to “love bomb” me. I sometimes wish he did. I sometimes wonder why I’m not even worthy of that..
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Hi Landy, it’s not that you are not worthy of being love bombed, some abusers dont even do that, their idea of being nicer could be anything from not giving you a sly kick or throw something for a while, any time that’s not just as volatile is love bombing, we just can’t even see that, because it is still abuse of some sort just not ramped up to bring downright wicked. EVERY person is entitled to feeling happy safe and loved, living with them gives us none of that. You are so worth it.
#Suffragette solidarity
IWMB 💕💕 -
Almost everything that has been said above, rings true. I too am worried about starting over and how. I have also thought, ‘its not that bad’. I should be grateful that it is only verbal, emotional, mental. I know people have it harder. It has taken me a long time to realise what it was. I too thought, it’s just me. Maybe it’s because I’m not strong enough. I’ve just got a s**t marriage. But I look at his mum and dad and I can see where it comes from. I cannot be his mum in another 40years. My friends have said, I’m still young enough to start again. But I do worry about the effect on my children.
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That’s what motivates me at times. I dont want to become my sister in law. Her husband is as bad as mine, maybe worse, maybe not. He says I’m a bad influence on her,cos until we started seeing more of them she never answered back. We don’t see each other as often now. She stands up to him more now though too😏
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