Left … but they are in my head

[Phenomenon]

Does anyone ever feel like they thought they’d find freedom? Solitude? Safety?

But find instead that although the abusive ex has gone, they still control your mind?

What can I do? I am safe, but I’m a shell of a person I once was. I thought I could be free … I find that my mind is now a prison of negative and poisonous thoughts.

I thought I could be happy.

I thought I thought I thought.

I don’t want to think anymore.

Please let this end.

[Indeepindance]

Yes!! I had this, it is still there, HE is still there, in the sanctuary that should be my own mind, but I am noticing signs I’m becoming defiant and doing things that I no longer feel guilty for.

I was definitely a shell of my former self when I left him. Took me months to allow myself to relearn how to enjoy things that had been labelled negative, waste of time, selfish, questionable, and to even remember who I was or what I wanted, and who I NOW am as I knew I was changed forever.  I cried and cried and couldn’t function properly for weeks.

I felt I would never be happy again, I was broken, heartbroken, shocked, saddened, confused, guilty, remorseful. Everything I did without him that I felt he would frown upon, weighed on me, felt like I’d betrayed him and made me panic every time I woke in the night or the mornings. The blood draining shame and dread that I’d proved he was right about me being reckless or defiant and that if he found out he’d never take me back, even though I chose to leave.

I’m starting to realise being defiant, individual, challenging, sensitive, angry, and tearful is not negative.  That I had a right to be ‘so defensive.’ Who wouldn’t stand up for themselves if they felt they could try?

So yes the thoughts come and they’re intrusive and consuming.  But try to use them to your advantage, a demonstration of the damage your ex has done, otherwise why would you feel so trapped still. But it will ease given time. You have to go through the suffering and wrestling in your mind sometimes to start making sense of it all.

You will get there I promise, you’ll still feel sad but you will come back in parts and find serenity and happiness in old & new things.

A list of things I’ve done and am doing now that I never thought I would for fear he would find out;

Listening to music / radio whenever I want

Watching whatever I want on TV or on Social Media

Using my phone or ignoring my phone

Meeting up with friends in a pub 

Going for a walk alone after dark

Going for a walk alone anytime without inviting him 

Going to the shop without inviting him 

Leaving the home without asking/telling him first

Joining a gym

Having a drink

Making friends with/speaking to another male

Moving in with a male landlord

I could go on but now when I do these things and I hear his voice in my head or see his judgemental look that questions ‘am I really right for him’, I say out loud ‘just f*ck off [insert ex’s Name] and so what, what you gonna do? Just leave me alone.’

It really helps me and I hope it helps you. You will be okay, I didn’t think I would be but I’m definitely fighting back to life.  Hang in there, you are fierce.

Xxxxx

 

 

 

 

 

[Beachrunner]

Yes I feel like this too. My ex left me but I know it was because I was putting my foot down and refused to take anymore abuse. I can still remember the initial relief I felt when he moved out and walked out of my home for the last time.

I still hear his voice in my head. I still question why did he do it etc. I remember all the jokes at my expense and the looks etc. when I feel like this I just remind myself of the first initial feeling of relief that I had.
I am also adjusting to not having to think about him and our relationship anymore- which was pretty much a full time occupation when we were together!

I also have made list of the things I have been able to do since he left!

Joined a gym (even through there are men there I can go) would never have happened before.

I can eat what I want without sneers and snide comments.

Joined a singles social walking group.

Meditation and yoga classes.

I can drink wine again.

I can see friends without a time limit on the time I can spend with them.

I can go to bars.

Freedom is an adjustment. I keep telling myself ‘one day longer, one day stronger’. Xx

 

[Author]

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