Left. New bf unsure if suspecting future dv.

[Enidblyton]

Hi

I received help from this forum (a lot – thank you!) and got out. I am (detail removed by moderator) free and I have met someone. We had sex and he held my throat. Is that normal? Everything else he does is gentlemen like. My last relationship I was in for (detail removed by moderator), so I feel a little lost. I feel like I may be using this poor guy as a crutch to escape the loss I feel for my ex. Although I care for him a lot, it doesn’t feel anything like the absolute infatuation I had with my ex from day 1. I really do like this guy a lot and there’s plenty of green flags (detail removed by moderator). On the other hand the throat thing is playing on my mind. I know I need to discuss it with him. But I would like others opinions and too embarrassed to ask friends or family.
so two things, is the throat thing something to worry about and am I using him because deep down I know I’m not (and probably never will be) over my abusive ex husband of (detail removed by moderator) …thank you in advance lovely ladies xx

[Lisa]

Hi Enidblyton,

It can be difficult to start a new relationship after experiencing domestic abuse and it’s normal to have questions or be wary.

He shouldn’t be doing anything to you during sex that you haven’t consented to first. Saying yes to sex does not give him the go ahead to put his hand round your throat. It is concerning that he didn’t discuss it with you beforehand and assumed he had any right to do this to you. It is not normal to do this without discussion and consent and it is potentially very dangerous. Communication and respect are key in intimate relationships.

You don’t have to be over your ex husband or feel the same way about someone else as you did about him to start a new relationship. You say that you really like this new guy and you care about him a lot, that doesn’t sound like you’re using him. Connections feel different with different people. Abusers often know how to form intense bonds very fast with their partners and will progress the relationship quickly, it’s part of building their control. Moving more slowly and taking time to get to know each other in a way that doesn’t feel overwhelming is healthy.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

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