Left. Now what?

[LovingLife]

I broke up with my abuser. I did it in writing as I didn’t feel strong enough to face them. Since then, it has been a rollercoaster of blame, guilt-tripping, gaslighting and threats. One question that popped up was why I left and why in this way.

Do you ever tell your abuser that they have been abusive? If so, when and how? We have to stay in touch for the child(ren). Looking into legal advice for that as I don’t trust them to stick to any informal agreements between us.

[Whyohwhy]

I have been wondering the same thing, do I tell him he’s been abusive, he wouldn’t believe me if I said it anyway, he’d find a way of turning it back on me. I am also still in contact because of my daughter. It’s really hard when you can’t do zero contact.

[LovingLife]

I informed them by email and explained that professionals verified it. They can do with that winformation whatever they want. Their reaction is not my responsibility. As long as our child(ren) and I are safe, the abuser can throw the biggest tantrum in the world. I needed to read here on the forum that abusers choose to abuse. They might do it by default and not always consciously but it is still a choice.

Wishing you luck and strength to get out of your situation!

[KIP.]

They absolutely know they are abusive that’s why they don’t abuse you in front of witnesses. Any direct contact from now on will be used against you so use a third party or buy an old phone for text messages only so you have a record and you can also switch off the phone. Get legal advice and make sure you’re the resident parent or he can simply not return the children. Contact your local women’s aid for support and take any threats seriously and report them to the police. Set boundaries and stick to them. His main weapon is the children now and you can bet he will use them. Be very careful.

[Author]

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