Lesbian domestic abuse… guilt and shame

[Sunyellow]

I dont know where to start. Im in a place now where i feel too much guilt. Too much shame.
Ive always been in relationships where there is no arguing.
I guess it started on date (detail removed by Moderator) telling me she loved me and when i responded that i really cared about her she became angry telling me i had belittled her.
Initially it was comments “you think youre pretty but you arent”
Then the night she slapped me… she couldnt remember slapping me as intoxicated.
I could go day by day. Im feeling abit numb so will just state some things said
“Your exes stuck with you because you are easy”
“I put up with that but nobody else would”
” am i your type? You arent mine my ex is”
“How does someobody from a council estate think they are better than me”
Then the more severe attack came on (detail removed by Moderator).
I got punched, bit, forced into a glass (detail removed by Moderator) multiple times.She wouldnt let me leave the flat. I had to ring my friend and push my phone to the other side of the room. I cant ring the police, she saves too many lives and society would hugely lose out if she didnt have her job. She always threatened that she would kill herself if i left.
I self harmed years ago on my (detail removed by Moderator)…she stood in front of me (detail removed by Moderator) and self harmed herself in the same place stating i had done it so why couldnt she and she deserved it. I screamed at her to stop. I rang her family to support her which she replied “this is all your fault!”

The thing is ive now done the worst thing ever and the shame and guilt is overwhelming. Ive always been a nice person. A (detail removed by Moderator) ago… she tried tonturn my lifelong friends against me. I told her i wanted to die…id drank alot…i mean i did. She asked how i would do it… i told her how..she asked if i had any to which i replied yes. I wanted her to see for ansecond how much she was ruining my life. She got in the car drunk..she lives (detail removed by Moderator) away and got arrested. I now worry so much that she will take her own life becasue of me or lose her career and she is such a huge contribution to societtly. Id rather my life be ruined then hers.

[Living Warrior]

hi lovely.
i am so sorry you are having to go through this, what i would like to say is, that no matter how many lives she saves, it does not give her the right to abuse you! these are her choices not yours. actions have concequences and if you dont feel safe, you have the right to get the police involved.
threatenig to commit suicide if you leave is a typical tactic of abusers, my ex said the same, they like the attention, they like the fact that we wouldnt want that on our conscience, and use it against us.
She sounds like a very troubled person, rather like my ex tbh.
The problem is, they seem to like the way they live, i offered countless times over years to get him help, and he always refused for one reason or another, i soon realised “this was just his way of keeping me there” i deserved better and so do you.
the guilt is understandable- i felt this too as he got arrested for stuff, but please remember, these are HER ACTIONS, not yours- you didnt make her drink and drive, you DIDNT turn her into what she is, they make you feel like its you!
because they like to be control and make you feel weak, the minute they feel that you are getting strength, they will try and cut you down, so you weak and dont have the strength to leave.

get in touch with your local womens aid they will support you, there are court orders to keep her away, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
you need to talk to someone who can help you locally, 🙂 my local womens aid really helped me, and i am forever greatful to them!

stay safe, sending strength and love

[Sunyellow]

Thank you so much for replying.

Shes not a bad person. Shes a lovely person but then a a switch flicks or alcohol is involved. She deserves a beautiful life. I have also tried to help her so much. Ive given her places to call. I told her i would come with her or take her. She would attempt it for a day and then never continue. I do believe people can change. I beleive she has more good in her but is just troubled by things.
As her friend said “you are not the victim “… after what i did to her. I have become a person who i no longer like.
I try and be kind…im (detail removed by Moderator), a vegan. But over the last few days ive thought maybe its me whos the toxic one? Who tells someone theyve took an overdose because they want them to realise the harmthey are causing…i mean that night i did want to but as (detail removed by Moderator) i knew i had nothing substantial and have no idea if i could have gone through with it..but my behaviour was manipulative. I dont know how i forgive myself. This whole experience has changed me and i feel angry, an emotion im not used to

[ISOPeace]

Sunyellow I can really feel your pain coming through your words. You are suffering really terrible abuse. Please don’t confuse a desperate attempt to stop her abusing you with being abusive. Abuse is about control and intimidation, making somebody feel like they deserve to be treated badly, like it’s their fault they’re being abused, like they’re not strong enough to leave or make choices for themselves, like they have to change themselves to avoid further abuse. Abusive people almost never wonder whether they’re abusive, because abusers can always justify their abuse in some way.

You can’t look at abuse as isolated incidents, it’s part of a pattern. An isolated incident could look abusive in one relationship but benign in another. Her friend is not seeing the whole picture, doesn’t understand abuse or is behaving abusively themselves.

Abusers get away with their behaviour by making us think we’re the ones at fault. You feel bad for trying to stop her abusing you and you say you’d rather ruin your own life than hers. You must feel so low and hopeless. I know as a culture we have this idea that self sacrifice is a sign of love, but it’s not a sign of healthy love. You want to sacrifice yourself for her because you feel undeserving. I think anyone whose partner said what she has said to you would struggle not to feel worthless.

We all seem to see the abusive side of our partners as not really part of who they are. We see them as a product of past trauma etc. But the reality is that the abusive side is part of their behaviour, however it got there. Sometimes the lovely person they appeared to be at the start was an unsustainable attempt to get you to love them and it fades away completely. Sometimes the cycle of abuse just continues, so you keep seeing the “good” side as well as the bad.

I would recommend reading up on abuse. It may help you make sense of why you feel the way you do. Abusers manipulate us to feel how they want us to in order to maintain control and it can be very confusing. I normally recommend Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft. I haven’t read it for a while, but I think you would find it helpful as even though some of it is specifically about men, you will see that a lot about abuse is common to all abusers.

The abuse is absolutely not your fault and her choices are not your responsibility. It doesn’t matter what she does or how many lives she may save, it doesn’t give her the right to be abusive. Please do continue to post on here and reach out to Women’s Aid. I know it’s hard, but you don’t deserve this treatment. Sending lots of love xxxx

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