3rd July 2020 at 8:27 pm #108739
I have just read a book called Covert Passive-Aggressive N********* by Debbie Mirz – Chapter 11 on S*x (we’re not permitted to use this word on the forum as it is gives a label to them which could mean its a pathology and so not in control of their actions – but they are very much are in control which is why you are the only one who experiences his behaviour – you are not crazy!).
I’m going to summarise the chapter because it is amazing, incredible and has been the final piece in the puzzle for me.
Sex is one of the most common forms of gas-lighting that is used to control and manipulate.
Most women don’t notice, it’s incredibly insidious.
Sex is one of the most powerful ways an abuser controls their victim but probably not in the way you might you think it is.
They use it to manipulative through psychological means to make you think something is wrong with you so you blame yourself, you feel shame, and if affects your confidence as well as self worth. You lose your ability to stand up for yourself as they are attacking the deepest part of you. You end up isolating yourself, you don’t want to admit to your friends that after so long you haven’t had an orgasm, that you feel no desire for sex, your partner is disappointed in you, feel that something is wrong with you sexually. You feel embarrassed. You shut down. It is incredibly personal. You believe whatever is wrong with your sex life is your fault which is exactly what he wants you to think.
When you have sex with an abuser their pleasure is the most important thing. How they feel is what it is all about.
You are punished for having your own feelings, reactions and worries about what’s happening in the bedroom. Your feelings don’t matter
You feel so alone, you think you’re the only one, you think there is something wrong with you, you might just come to the conclusion that you’re not a sexual type of person…
Love bombing stage – they mirror you sexually as well as emotionally, that’s why you feel it’s a match made in heaven, why it feels so amazing….they become you, they act like you, so it feels like you’re both in sync, they say all the right things.
Next – the subtle devaluing and demeaning stage is beginning – nothing really changes about the sex but you’re feelings about it change – you can feel used, uneasy, but you have always been able to talk and have open communication, so you let him know how you’re feeling, talk about it…he acts nice, but you sense an undercurrent of anger he deflects the focus, doesn’t address your feelings, and he becomes the victim. Nothing ever changes. You apologise. Continue to share your inner thoughts and feelings about it, but nothing ever changes, they’re not interested in looking at their own issues or changing their own behaviours. You do, you think about it, you self-reflect, you might even try counselling, are you depressed, is there something medically wrong, peri-menopausal, etc etc
Sex is all about them feeling good about themselves as men and lovers.
Your body shuts down, you’re not emotionally safe and supported, you loose desire for sex. Then it becomes your issue, as he has needs and you’re not following through. You take the blame even though it started out with you not feeling good about a change you could sense….He does nothing to stop you believing that.
It is then used to control you, you feel like a bad partner, passively aggressively punished for years, you take it because you believed you deserved it. Sabotaging birthdays, holidays, irritable on evenings out, feel like you don’t deserve any better because you’re not giving much sex so you don’t deserve love and kindness.
During the Discard phase the stories of how you got to this place (always something you did) become bigger and more extravagant, its so long ago you don’t remember if they’re even true some of them. You feel you have crushed their manhood, single-handily wounded him so deeply.
They rely on your pity, on your tender heart, manipulate you into believing you are terrible, when this happens, they have you in the palm of their hands and control you for years…
You never felt love because you weren’t.
You never felt cherished because you weren’t.
You have never shared this story before because you feel such shame.
They have to have something over you in order to control and manipulate you.
Once you are no longer their supply they leave, find someone else.
When you are brainwashed into thinking you are the problem it takes a lot of time to undo it all.
There is a secret decoder to unlock the reality, and the secret decoder is sex.
Abusers are professional liars and your body is an accurate barometer that will tell you the truth.
How you felt during and after sex is the blueprint of your relationship. And she then goes on to describe this simple process.
Answer these questions.
1. Describe sex at the beginning of the relationship. What was your partner like? How did they treat you in bed? How did you feel when you had sex with him or her? Be as detailed as you can. (not just great, tender, attentive, fun, said flattering things, etc) – This describes the Love Bombing phase for you and this partner
2. When did sex start to feel different, what was the difference, how did you feel during it, after? What was he like, how did he treat you, how did you feel about sex with him, how did you feel about yourself, sexually. Describe the evolution of your sexual relationship. In detail.
– This is the truth of the entire relationship and who your partner really is.
Intermittent reinforcement – based on subtle put-downs and niceties
Full responsibility is on you to make the relationship work.
You’re there to make him feel good about himself.
He’s not authentic, like he’s acting, playing a role.
He relies on you for his life, soul, he wanted you to supply him with life since he not have a true sense of who he was.
It was up to you to bring life to the relationship of there’d be none.
Two areas where we are controlled and suppressed by our abusers.
The freedom we have to express our thoughts, feelings and beliefs are silenced as a way of controlling us.
Our expression of love and passion is suppressed by the one who is supposed to love us the most, sex is one of the most vulnerable things in life. They take it to use against us. To quiet us. To drain the life from us.
Sex with an abuser is a form of emotional rape. It is psychological abuse. Hidden abuse that shuts you down inside. You are left feeling less than, unwanted, undesirable, not worthy of love, you lose the truth of who you are, you were used and discarded and it was not your fault. It was never your fault. This is trauma, there are no visible scars, but your body and spirit feels it.
Your internal landscape has taken a beating and it needs time to heal and restore itself. What you feel is valid and important. Be kind to yourself, you deserve love and gentleness, be that, for yourself.
And there you go. Listen or read it, there’s much more, this is just a summary. xx
3rd July 2020 at 8:43 pm #108746
I wanted to post this because the one thing that has had me wondering about whether this was really abuse all along was the sex, well, the lack of it. Not always, but for a very long time. I don’t hear many (well, no) women on the forum talking about that side of things. So I just didn’t know if my feelings and sense that it was abuse were valid. For so many sex is used as a physical form of subjugation, for me the absence of it was.
Hopefully for everyone, sex or no sex, this explains its not about the actual physical act of sex, its about the power and control, and the entitlement to wield that power and control with impunity. To suck the life out of you. Ironic when you think about it, because sex is what makes the world go round, literally. x
4th July 2020 at 3:53 am #108779
Thank you for posting this. I think I am going to get the book. I wondered about this as well as my experience was zero sex which seemed very different from lots of other posts. The only physical attention was grabbing inappropriately at me, doing things I didn’t like and always at a really inappropriate time. A normal time like in the bedroom zilch nothing which to be honest I ended up being relieved about in the end but it was upsetting for a long time x
4th July 2020 at 9:17 am #108792HeadspinningParticipant
Warning – this post may be an over share!!!!
Thanks for this thread – it’s made me reconsider aspects in a different light.
I remember the early days thinking he was such a caring lover! He always made sure I had an orgasm before him and knew how to achieve that for me. Soft touches, slow pace, patience, regularly going down and making me feel he enjoyed it as much as me!
It then moved on over the years….a typical love making session would become more routine, a bit quicker, maybe the nice bits for me would be skipped. Where before he would touch me softly and slowly it started to feel a bit rushed and not so gentle, which would make me tense up a bit and then we know any chance of orgasm goes because we are not relaxed. I’d try to gently slow him down but , I’d light heartedly say hey your speeding up, I like it a bit softer etc, he’d tell me he knew what he was doing (!) So id make excuses to allow him to move onto intercourse because I knew I wouldn’t come and didn’t want the pressure of feeling like failing.
Over time the routine evolved to me giving him a b******b (Because he lined and expected that plus it meant I could ensure he was”wet” for entry because I sure wasn’t! then turning round to allow him to plug in (to the right hole I may add, it’s just that over time my sexual response wasn’t kicking in so I wasn’t lubricating – I partly blamed it in the menopause and suggested we just use lube but he made a comment that made me feel awkward so that was the end of that idea!) I got literally nothing out of this. It wasn’t like that constantly but yes for 90% it was.
I remember being told that I was the only woman he had been with that hadn’t come normally through straight intercourse and was made to feel weird. I know that at least half women need more than thrusting to get there but I still felt self conscious.
Even the pace – in my previous relationship I could “get there” through intercourse if it was slow – but after trying that with him I was quickly told that was boring.
If I wanted any pleasure in the end it became having a fiddle myself after he had finished and was away cleaning himself up in the bathroom – he knew and encouraged that I would have a fiddle but couldn’t be bothered to hang around or would expect me to wait for his return. Most of the time I couldn’t be bothered – it felt like an afterthought and I just wanted to go to sleep.
Needless to say, a lot of the time I couldn’t be bothered! But that was my failing and I was totally unsexual/ fridgid!! According to him anyway.
There were some occasions it would be nice, he would do things for me that he knew I liked and I could relax and enjoy it, Maybe after a fight, or in holiday – so he hadn’t forgotten how to – but looking back there was a pattern where he made the effort at the start, got lazy and selfish as time progressed, then would wheel out my treats by being attentive again when required.
I thought I had lost my drive Due to menopause. I felt a bit inadequate and that I was missing out versus how other women clearly enjoyed sex easier than me.
Reading this post has made me realise that our sex life and his attitude and effort mirrored our day to day life.
I worry how I will be with a future partner. Will my hang ups follow me. To what extent has my drive actually gone due to menopause (not allowed to say age in here so I’ll say I’m beyond 45 but not reached 55). I worry if it’s unfair to enter another relationship in the future as maybe I’m sexually not going to be able to have the enthusiasm to have as active a sex life. I don’t want to say goodbye to the aspect of life but I do think how he has made me feel may impact my ability to relax without over thinking in the future.
Sorry if this is too much info – but it’s a safe space!!
4th July 2020 at 9:42 pm #108887
OMG @headspinning you have just unlocked a lot of stuff I had completely forgotten/blanked. Thanks for over sharing. Really. That really was a blueprint of my early experience with him. If you listen or read the chapter think i got the number wrong, *think* its 10, she talks about how you feel about it going forward, really insightful.
Thanks a lot for replying so honestly, truly, you just added another piece to the puzzle, I was resigned to losing a couple of bits but was getting the general gist. xx
4th July 2020 at 9:24 am #108794
No worries on the info. I think a lot of us worry about how we will be in a new relationship, I know I certainly do! I had it said I don’t think you like sex and I thought god there is something wrong with me. Have thought about this a lot and I really think no it’s I don’t like it with you! I really feel for the ladies who are forced into sex as it must be unbearable. I think not having it, as in my case is also horrible but actually the thought now of having him force himself on me actually makes me feel sick. I am hopeful when/if I do meet someone else this part of me that I did enjoy will come back as part of being in a healthy relationship and I think that can be true for all of us over time x
4th July 2020 at 9:38 am #108798
This post is very relevant to me atm, I could post yesterday because I was too numb from it all.
He always used sex as a power over me, I can’t remember the early days as it was so long ago and so much has happened since but I do remember crying? After love making for the first few months. I’m not even sure what that’s about still but eventually I stopped.
I only left recently as a few of you know but the kids told him where I am – it’s a difficult one to ask them not to, especially as they have very little idea of the extent he will go to, to make me feel uncomfortable. Anyway he turned up unannounced a couple of nights ago (the day I had brought myself flowers) I should have called the police but I didnt so he came in the house! Anyway a long story short he saw the flowers and started asking who had brought them for me, I told him I did but obviously he didn’t believe me. He then decided to show me what I was missing – it was awful, violent and degrading – something I’m used you.
They know that sex is power and uses every aspect of it to create fear and intimidation. He said to me that I was his no matter where I was and he could have me whenever he wanted.
So I’m left here feeling like I’ve taken so many steps back in my journey and my new place has been violated by him.
4th July 2020 at 11:25 am #108807
@cantmakedecisions I am SO sorry. I’m going to be direct. Did he rape you? Please report him to the police. Please? This must have been shocking and traumatic for you. Even seeing him must have been. You’ve done so well and come so far. Please don’t let him get away with this. You sound like you are in shock to me. Sending you a massive hug and strength. Please think about calling them. We will all be here to support you. I promise this will get better, this will be over, you have done the biggest and the hardest part. But now, if he abused you in anyway he needs to be reported. Xx
4th July 2020 at 10:20 am #108802Same-againParticipant
Mine said I wanted sex too much. Yup. We’d get all steamy in bed and then he’d say ‘go to sleep’.
Said I was a nymphomaniac. A s**g. I’m not either btw.
Rejection and game playing. He didn’t like me to ever make an advance. Control.
I also think he was doing things to me while I was asleep. No wonder he kept saying ‘go to sleep’ because that’s when he got what he wanted. An inert asleep me. Yay.
4th July 2020 at 11:55 am #108812
Cantmakedecisions, I’m so sorry to hear about what he has done. Please keep talking to us, let us know how you are doing. We are here for you. xx
4th July 2020 at 12:05 pm #108815
I’m just so stupid opening the door to him. I didn’t want a scene outside my new place – so he came in.
I just want to hide now for a while.
4th July 2020 at 12:27 pm #108816
@cantmakedecisions you are not stupid at all. I totally get that. You want a new start new life and TO BE NORMAL. This is normal to want. You have experienced horrific abuse. Are you being supported by any agencies? Do you feel strong enough to report him to the police? It will strengthen your case 100X, he has found you and raped you. You were scared. You are in shock. This one last step. Can anyone be there to support you? X
4th July 2020 at 12:31 pm #108817AnonymousInactive
Cantmakedecions……He did what??? From what you wrote here I can’t see it as anything but rape. He raped you. I really hope that you take your power back here and call the rape hotline, WA and the police. And no, sweetheart, you shouldn’t have let him in…. I’m not sure how old your children are and you don’t need to say here but if they are old enough to remember an address, they are old enough to be told not to give it to him. You can’t keep his abuse away from them forever here. It only confuses them and hurts them in the end. He’s messing with their head as well, not just yours.
I can’t stress enough how when you draw a line in the sand, you can’t allow him to cross it without consequences. This man is a very very mean man and he’s dangerous. He has really damaged you and hurt you for years. I want to encourage you to also get counseling because you do need it. Very much so. He still has a big hold on you. Regroup here and please make those calls. Anyone that knows anything as far as the authorities are concerned – should know and are trained to know that this is sexual abuse. And yes, that can happen from your husband. If some nitwit that you talk to doesn’t know, demand that you speak to someone who does. The law states –
What is marital rape in UK law?
Also known as spousal rape, marital rape is a form of sexual assault under UK law, in contravention of the Sexual Offences Act 2003.
The offence occurs when an individual commits a sexual act without the consent of their spouse or their ex-spouse, or against their will. If someone is unable to consent to a sexual act or their consent is obtained by force, threat or intimidation, the sexual act is committed without consent.
Marital rape will also be considered as a form of domestic violence and may also include allegations of assault or that the accused has acted in a controlling and coercive manner.
Implied consent is not sufficient – a spouse should always ensure that their partner has freely provided their consent before engaging in any sexual activity.
Marital rape and the law
Prior to 1992, forced sexual activity within a marriage wasn’t illegal, as a husband could enforce conjugal rights on his wife without committing an offence based on the belief that a wife had provided their ongoing consent through the contract of marriage.
The case of R vs. R which was heard in the House of Lords in 1991 changed the law to the extent that it determined that under UK law it was possible for a man to rape his wife. The courts ruled that, even within a marriage, any non consensual sexual activity is rape.
For the act of marital rape to be prosecuted, the prosecution must prove that:
Penetration of the a**s, mouth or vagina occurred
The act of penetration was intentional
The complainant did not consent to the act of penetration
The defendant did not believe – within reason – that the complaint had consented to the act
Do you have to be married to be charged with marital rape?
The act of marital rape can also be committed by those who cohabit as spouses, but are not legally married.
I would also find a solicitor that specializes in marital rape. They are there, I just looked them up. Use search words like – marital rape solicitor UK. Unfortunately the UK has been in the dark ages about this subject up until recently but the laws are there now and the sentencing can actually be up to life in prison.
No need for you to hang your head in shame or anything sweetheart. We all make mistakes and you’ve been under his influence now for a long time so none of this is easy for you. But you have to hold firm and steady now. Get back up on your feet and under no circumstances do you allow that monster because he is one, back into your house again. Please report him as well. He has to be stopped.
4th July 2020 at 12:37 pm #108819
@cantmakedecisions. I was shocked when I read that. I was also raped several times in marriage but not since I’d left, he wouldn’t dare. I am very worried about what you said. He has now violated not only you but your safe space as well. You new, safe home must now feel no safer than when you were living with him. And I am even more worried by the comment he made about your being his. I’m concerned at the lengths he will go to to ensure that you remain his and prevent you from ever seeing anyone else. It chimes of the old “If I can’t have you, no-one will!” What he said makes me fear for your safety.
How would you feel about calling the police? I’m not really thinking along the lines of prosecution, I’m thinking about some sort of protection order to stop him coming near you and a marker on your house so that you can call the police as soon as you see him.
Do your children have keys to your house which they take to their father’s house? If so, he may have had his own key by now!
I don’t want to sound melodramatic or paranoid but you have just left. This is the most dangerous time for you and he has already shown you that he is dangerous.
If it was me, I’d be thinking about the impact on the kids of calling the police and I wouldn’t go ahead. I would resolve not to let him in the house again. But they are so manipulative and you have only just left so you are still very vulnerable. Please consider the impact it would have on the kids if they lost you.
I’m trying to think how I would respond to this if it had happened to me. I know I’d be reluctant to involve the police and I’m trying to think of how to keep you safe.
Please get some help honey. If you can’t bring yourself to phone the police, call your keyworker to support you through the process. If your keyworker doesn’t work weekends, call the emergency number. Please don’t sit on this whilst you wait for the shock to subside.
We’re right here for you. xx
I’m going to put this in a pm too in case you don’t see this post.
4th July 2020 at 1:03 pm #108821
iliketea – sorry I feel like I’ve hijacked your thread – not my intention.
I need time to think..
I really don’t want to involve the police, I really don’t! Last time he was arrested it was so awful.
I already have the house flagged but for some reason I have an inability to call for help when I need it. I suppose it’s so ingrained in me that I shouldn’t. Maybe an alarm?
4th July 2020 at 1:16 pm #108824
@cantmakedecisions, no problem at all. THIS is so much more important. We need to really help you here, and we will. You are in a deep state of shock, from everything, and from what has happened. You have PTSD for sure. We need to put our heads together and pull you up and out of where you are. Please let us help. You need advocacy, someone to speak with and for you. Are you in touch with services? GP? DA service? Do you have a trusted friend or family member you can talk to? Xx
4th July 2020 at 1:08 pm #108822HeadspinningParticipant
I really like eggshells advice.
I would love love love you to be brave enough to prosecute this monster but I can understand how overwhelming that may seem and I understand you just want to hide from the world.
But you must take steps to feel safe. The police can put a red marker on your address to ensure you are a priority should you call them,
Can you fit a bolt and or door chain?
Do you have a support network.
What’s happened is horrendous but please dont met it break you. Please let it make you stronger and more determined to cut all ties and be the strong independent woman you can be.
He is a monster. This was not your fault. X
4th July 2020 at 1:39 pm #108827
@cantmakedecisions. This is horrific. You will likely have a local SARC look this up, they don’t take control away from you regarding what has happened but they will give you very expert advice on sexual assault and rape. That is what has happened here. This is what a SARC is about if you haven’t heard of them before “ Often victims of rape and sexual assault can feel that they have limited choices and believe that telling someone what happened to them will result in events quickly becoming out of their control. However the essence of SARC services is that they are completely client focussed and designed to ensure that clients receive the right information to enable them to make their own choices about what happens next. This includes being able to self refer to a SARC and receive immediate support without having to report to the Police. For further details about this please read the Self Referrals section below.”
4th July 2020 at 1:51 pm #108829
I totally understand that you don’t want police involvement so, shall we think of how we can keep you safe whilst you sort out your thoughts? You need to get yourself safe immediately.
Please make sure that he doesn’t have a key for your home. If your children have left their keys in his house at any point then please assume that you need to change the locks.
Next time he approaches your house, you must call 999. This is going to take courage and I suspect that you are going to be frightened to do it. I hope others will be able to give you a variety of techniques on how you can get past this fear. Here’s mine:
Visualise dialling 999. Start visualising it now and set an alarm to remind you to keep practising in your head.
You may feel better about dialling 999 if you know that you have given him chance to leave. I am not saying this is the right thing to do but it is what I would do if I was worried about calling the police. I would shout through the door and ask him to leave. It doesn’t matter how nice he is being on the other side of the door, do not let him in. If he doesn’t leave when you ask him to, he is proving that he does not respect your needs or your wishes. If he’s not respecting your wishes when he is standing outside in public view, he certainly won’t respect them once he’s over the threshold.
If he doesn’t leave the vicinity when you ask him to, call 999. He had his chance to do the right thing and leave and he blew it. Ask the call handler to stay on the line with you. If he leaves when he hears sirens, tell the call handler that he is walking away and ask the police to look out for him as they approach.
Visualise the whole scenario if you can.
Please @cantmakedecisions Police involvement is an option for you to consider when you’re ready. Making yourself safe right now is a necessity. xx
4th July 2020 at 2:07 pm #108835
I have the only set of keys.
Maybe I’ll ask to sleep at my sisters tonight just so I can rest though.
4th July 2020 at 2:17 pm #108836AnonymousInactive
Good! Glad about the keys. I would sleep over there tonight because you do need rest and you’re probably not going to get it there right now, where you are. Do you have a little spy camera at all? Alot of them are really cheap, you might consider getting one and put it in the living area, hidden, so that when you guys are gone you can see if someone breaks in. The feed can go right to your phone.
4th July 2020 at 2:22 pm #108837
That sounds like a really good idea icantmakedecisions. You can give yourself time and space in a safe environment and come back to this thread when you’re a little more able to cope with it. x*x
4th July 2020 at 4:04 pm #108844LifebeginsParticipant
Hi cantmakedecisions. I’m so very sorry for what’s happened to you. Would you reconsider calling the police?
I know it’s very hard to do but you need to be protected from this man. You and I are at similar stages of our journey. I have been given some measure of peace in my home at the moment as the police have installed a panic alarm and checked the security here. I would feel very vulnerable if I didn’t have that in place.
My IDVA’s also told me about the Sanctuary scheme that you can access through some local councils to help with home security.
Maybe a good night’s sleep at your sister would help to clear your head about what you could do next. He’s made it clear that he’s not going to leave you alone so you need a plan.
We’re all here to support you whatever you need x*x
4th July 2020 at 4:34 pm #108847
I never really had a plan post leaving, it was always just about finding somewhere and getting there. I expected to feel happy but I didn’t, I suppose deep down I knew it wouldn’t be the end.
So yes, I need a plan, but atm I just feel sick and so so tired!
I know it sounds crazy but at least when I was there with him I could gauge his mood, whereas now I feel like it’s the same thing but just with a blindfold on and earmuffs – no warning. So I’m on constant high alert.
I need to stop shaking, I can’t even hold a cup to drink from, it’s looks like I’m withdrawing or something? Even my voice is shaky. I thought this might have stopped by now.
4th July 2020 at 6:10 pm #108856maddogParticipant
My ex was never a caring lover. Sex was only ever about him. No foreplay, no interest in my needs. He would boast about his magnificent pen*s and how long he could keep going for. The truth is that he’d spent so much time master*ating that no amount of sandpaper-lined bog roll tubes would have made a difference.
I remember so many times when I thought, oh, he’s just raped me. Then thinking, no, he’s told me he wouldn’t do that to me.
He’s been interviewed by the police but not charged. Marital rape happens in secret and it’s hard to provide hard evidence without blood on the carpet or a corpse. He rarely used physical violence. He has a new victim now who no doubt believes his words and not his actions.
4th July 2020 at 7:12 pm #108862AnonymousInactive
You need to call someone. SARC is a good choice for a start. You are in dire straits right now and it’s just not okay. What this man has done to you – is criminal. Absolute criminal intent and he did it with such glee. Sooooo, I want you to do whatever you have to do to calm down, get some sleep and all that and then you need to call someone and start making a plan out of this and getting legal help regarding what has happened here. I’m glad the laws have changed about martial rape but we have to test them. We have to make noise and say oh okay, you changed them then let’s see if they can actually work here? Storm their gates! Absolutely! Because I’m guessing some are laughing to themselves in men only parlors saying – well let’s see how well that goes when they try to state their case! LOL! Right, right. Wrong, wrong. I see what’s going on here….not stupid.
But “we” here, the collective we and each individual woman has to challenge things. Push it all the way through to the brutal end and yes, I know……..you are not able right now and I understand. I still want you to make the call because you are in sooo much distress and what he did to you was an absolute attack on you. He has you so programmed, brainwashed and abused that you don’t know up from down and he’s laughing about it, thinks it’s funny. Going to come back again, is he? Uh noooooooo. You talk to someone with the police department that is a sex crimes person. And don’t stutter when you talk about what he did and what he “has” been doing. You lay it all out. The sooner the better.
Call your GP because you need to be seen. You are not okay. I can see that very clearly. I also urge you to be tested for STD’s because I don’t think you are the only one he most likely has sex with. He’s a predator. So you need to know what’s going on in your own body here. Plus, you don’t want to let this happen again because of alot of reasons but also because of the virus. You think he’s really not doing what he wants to do with whoever? I doubt it. Maybe because he’s so worried about himself here. But as a precaution you need to be tested anyways.
We are sooo in the dark ages about children’s and women’s rights it’s just sickening. We think we have arrived and it’s laughable. Most of these laws are sketchy at best and they know all that. Women and children have always been possessions of men. Wasn’t that long ago that Dickens wrote about what was going on with children in the UK, right? They were considered worse than dogs except they could work until they died…So it’s time we make a stand. In tatters, half out of our wits, whatever, we need to make a stand. This is all rubbish. Make a law that says this isn’t right? OH okay, then guess what? We are going to put it to the test. So is it going to be the same nonsense of if the child doesn’t have the sexual abuse on tape and witnessed by ten people that it didn’t happen? Same with marital rape, is it?
These things won’t change if we don’t storm their gates. How many women are on the planet? And how many are in countries where marital rape is actually still legal? We’ve evolved have we? Not so much. We are so holy and all that? Not so much. Not at all.
So yes, let’s do continue to talk about how sex is used to control women AND children, shall we? I welcome it. Ready to rumble.
4th July 2020 at 8:13 pm #108867
Cantmakedecisions, my heart goes out to you.
I hope you made it to your sister and that you can get some rest.
We are here when you are ready and whenever you need us.
You are in our thoughts right now.
4th July 2020 at 8:16 pm #108869AnonymousInactive
I encourage everyone reading here that this has happened to – or anyone interested in…….the laws and how they will apply and be enforced here, please make calls to the police sexual assault units, to SARC and just start asking questions regarding evidence and how it really works if someone does file a complaint. We need to see if these laws have teeth regarding martial rape. C’mon ladies, you can do this! You can be anonymous but we need answers. Call solicitors that specialize in marital rape. Please do report back here. Let’s see if this is for real or not? It’s a new law, I get all that but what has to be proven and how is that going to be proven so that the allegation sticks? I think we all have a right to know that, correct?
4th July 2020 at 8:49 pm #108874
Iliketea, this is an important conversation and sexual abuse needs to be raised and discussed regularly in forum. I notice that raising these conversations seems to allow women to express and talk about experiences that they may not have mentioned otherwise.
Oh Braelynn. I can’t tell you where I’ve heard these comments but I think you can probably guess.
‘you are married though…’
‘I wouldn’t worry too much…you are his wife, there is a big difference between someone who does this to their wife-an adult woman and a paedophile who does it to a teenager/pre-pubescent child’
I’ve no regrets and I’d do it again though. No smoke without fire, mud sticks and all that. I ain’t bowing down anymore. Only wish I had realised sooner what was happening and gathered evidence, he’d be having a very different experience to what is being afforded to him now by the system I can tell you.
I’d also encourage women to report if they possibly can. Not to pin hopes on the system to provide justice necessarily but to get it logged, who knows it could very well help you, your children, or other women and children in future.
I’ve noticed that there have been some changes around this recently though so we can only hope that improvements will be made to prosecutions for sexual abuse experienced within domestically violent relationships.
4th July 2020 at 9:03 pm #108877EscapeeParticipant
Cantmakedecisions – I am so, so sorry to hear that he has done this to you. I want you to note the HE DONE THIS, not you. You are in no way to blame here; please, please don’t turn this onto yourself.
Rape Crisis and The Samaritans will just let you talk; there will be no pressure to act. And you do need to talk. Your 111 service may also have emergency mental health professionals that you can talk to (my area does so hopefully yours does too.
Please also call your Dr so you can get proper mental health support and any physical help you may need due to the rape.
Rape is NEVER the fault of the victim.
Your local DA support services may also have access to home safety services, like extra locks (I have a sash window lock on my front door which is brilliant) and help to fit security devices.
My love and such a gentle hug to you my darling x
4th July 2020 at 9:36 pm #108886
@iliketea thank you for starting this thread. It made me see it all a little more clearly. @Headspinning thank you for your bravery in being so honest about your experiences. The fact that you are able to talk about it so openly makes me wonder if you are moving through the healing process. I really hope so. 💜
I’d love to know if anyone has managed to heal from this type of abuse and have a loving relationship where they have actually enjoyed their sex life?
4th July 2020 at 9:47 pm #108888WiseafterParticipant
Thank you to iliketea for starting this important discussion. Cantmakedecisions, this guy is dangerous. Take it seriously because it seems to me like he is deliberately testing your boundaries. You have to take a stand and you have to do it now or it may escalate. Follow the advice here and if you are not going to inform police which is advisable because he may back down in the face of police involvement (mine did) then at the very least ensure you are safe somewhere and can have the time you need to rebuild the motivation you had so bravely found. Sex used as control is never OK and don’t feel in any way this is your fault. It is not. This is just another form of control and dominance. Reach out for help from organisations and people to ‘out’ what he is doing. As long as it is a secret or just between you, there is risk this could escalate. Please please please talk to someone you feel safe with to agree some safe actions for you to take. I don’t think you can do this by yourself because it is too much to deal with. Depending on where you live Refuge can provide safety for you and plenty of practical support. I do hope you are able to feel safe. Remember, you are not to blame and you will get through this. We all send you love and support and I hope your sister will give you some sound support and advice too. xx
5th July 2020 at 4:33 pm #108981survivorabuseParticipant
Mine used sex as well to control me. We both have high sex drives. He didn’t rape me but in the end I used to say that I was tired, not in the mood. He used to sulk for England if I didn’t. At the end if I needed money he would say I have to earn it by giving him a b*****b! Even if I needed nappies for the baby. He also used to bite my nipples really hard hurting me. I once ended up with a massive bruise on my nipple.
7th July 2020 at 11:18 am #109150AnonymousInactive
Eggshells – Yes, actually it is possible to heal from sexual abuse, very much so. Talking about it in therapy is really a must. All that needs to come out verbally so you can hear it for one thing….. We women problem solve by talking. And body work with a very good massage therapist is wonderful. We store soooo much trauma and pain in our bodies. As far as my sexual abuse – it’s my lower tummy and small of my back. It is very important to stay in touch with your own body and not alienate it.
All these stories are so heartbreaking here. I look at our laws and see how we are still not protecting women and children, or men and boys from sexual abuse. It’s such an insidious crime. I have always talked about my abuse and quite on purpose. I select who and when of course, I don’t run around like a mad woman with my story however, but I want people to know it happens and to hear it from a woman who holds her head up and talks about it. It makes some people squirm. I mean to do that. We can’t keep hiding this.
Survivorabuse – Disgusting, demeaning behavior… I am very sorry…I guess if you bit him during his b****b, it wouldn’t be ok, right? So glad you are away from him. My sexual abuse being incest for many years gave me a very very nasty intent towards men regarding sexual abuse. They all knew it would be an extremely serious mistake to go there. That is one thing that makes the fire breathing dragon come out in me. Same goes with physical violence. (detail removed by Moderator) Had enough of all that from my father as well. My abuse with men has been emotional, mental and financial. Big hugs to whoever reading here who is hurting….
11th July 2020 at 10:54 am #109599
11th July 2020 at 7:54 pm #109638RedGiraffeParticipant
I never really thought about our sex life in regards to the abuse! But this post has made me think…
In the beginning (of the relationship) we would have sex/ sexual activity very regularly and then as time went on it was “you want sex too much”, he would regularly turn it down, he even fell asleep during intercourse on occasion. I felt awful!
Then after I got pregnant I didn’t feel comfortable to have sex and afterwards I had some complications and I didn’t want sex – this was when he did! He would make me feel awful for not having sex!
He has also used objects which I would not/ did not consent to being used (particular sexual activity meant I did not know until it was already happening). He laughed and told me I was ‘overreacting’ when I didn’t want it and made me feel like other people would so I should do it!
I’m glad this topic has been bought up because for some it’s too much sex for others not enough and some like me it’s one or the other over time!
11th July 2020 at 8:43 pm #109642TurtledoveParticipant
Wow. This makes real sense. I’d never looked into the sexual part of things too much before but comparing it to the beginning to now there’s huge changes. I just presumed he wasn’t attracted to me e enough and felt worthless, unattractive and ugly. All of the things I’ve been told I am. And if I’m honest I was glad he didn’t initiate sex as k couldn’t think of anything worse than sharing intimate moments with someone that has made me deem the way I feel. And even now the thought of a relationship in the future doesn’t interest me. I feel completely put off from men, even though I know all aren’t the same. There’s always that chance the same thing could happen again in the future.
11th July 2020 at 8:45 pm #109644TurtledoveParticipant
*feel – not deem (my phones being awkward tonight)
16th July 2020 at 10:18 pm #110188PolarBearParticipant
How are you doing Cantmakedecisions? I hope you are ok and you have all the support you need and you are feeling better.
17th July 2020 at 2:49 pm #110235AlittlelostParticipant
Thanks for the post. My partner pyhiscally attacked and then sexually assulted me in this area years ago a few times. It got dealt with through marac but im still with the same partner and sex with him just isnt the same anymore. I dont want it alot the time and its just not the same anymore. I dont think itl ever be how it was before ever again for me.
30th July 2020 at 9:40 pm #111255
1st August 2020 at 10:24 pm #111414OnlyintimeParticipant
Is this rape? He doesn’t force it but if i say no there is a mood. Sometimes I bend over just to get it done..there is no kissing at all..pnts down and away he goes. After he gets up and goes down stairs and i am left wondering what just happened. This happens every two days like clockwork. I feel used and feel as though I have just consented to rape as it is never tender its alwsys hard and I hurt the next day internally. Sorry to jump on this.
2nd August 2020 at 9:40 am #111437LisaMain Moderator
I just wanted to show you some support. It is not ok for your partner to pressure you into having sex, this is not consent. You feel like you can’t say no because you don’t want an argument, but he doesn’t seem to care about what you want or have any respect for you.
Please try and get some support, you could speak to your GP or Rape Crisis. You don’t deserve to be treated this way.
Take care and please keep posting
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