Let’s treat ourselves for Valentines Day

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi ladies,

I have been thinking a lot this year about Valentines day, which I usually feel irritated/depressed by and try to ignore when I am single, and usually feel like ex partners have begrudgingly bought me flowers etc when I’ve been in relationships and have to actively put on hold all my doubts about the relationship. So this year, I am planning on having my best Valentines day ever. I am going to celebrate my own fabulousness, awesomeness, beauty, strength and wisdom. I thought we could share on here ways (big and small) we plan to do something nice for ourselves this Valentines day whether we are still with our abuser or single and recovering. My plan is:

– Have a fabulous breakfast of nice freshly made coffee, fruit, pain au chocolat
– Yoga with Adriene on youtube or a trip to the gym to stretch out
– Go for a brisk walk somewhere amongst trees and nature
– Spend some time on my hobby/self employed venture
– Cook myself a lovely dinner (probably wholegrain homemade veggie pizza with lots of fresh salad and a homemade chocolate pudding for desert!)
– I aim to finish the day working on an uplifting self care/goal planning booklet for 2018
– I’m also going to buy myself a surprise gift, probably some fancy pretty underwear 🙂

I also got a great tip lately about choosing a colour to represent love, which is specific for you. One lady chose red and bought herself a set of red towels, to wrap herself in time she had a shower. Then she told all her friends about her colour and they got her red things for gifts. I really like this idea and although it seems a bit obvious my colour is soft/pale pink, because I don’t actually wear that much pink or have it as decor so it feels special. Feel free to choose a colour for self love and share that too.

Obviously if you are working full time you won’t have much chance to do a huge amount but maybe you could still have a nice evening meal, treat yourself to a special lunch, have a bath when you get home, that sort of thing. I think it’s about time we all got the love we deserve.❤

[iwillbeok]

I love this idea, SunshineRainFlower! I was thinking about Valentine’s day the other day and thinking thank goodness we didn’t really ‘do’ Valentine’s as I won’t feel its loss. Thinking back though, in reality, we did do Valentine’s for the first few years (not full on but flowers for me, cards exchanged), it got less and less from him and I kept it up, then over time I stopped doing it then. Same happened for anniversaries. I worked out not so long ago that he didn’t ‘do’ birthdays or Christmas either. Well, that is to say he didn’t ‘do’ anyone else’s; his was worthy of a national holiday! One time I didn’t put in as much of an effort as I might have, and my goodness the sulks! It was like watching a 5 year old!

I am going to treat myself to a nice meal and some flowers (if there are any left! 😁). Flowers don’t trigger me, thankfully, as he never bought me any!

Happy Valentine’s day to us! X

[Anabela]

What a perfect topic to post!!!! I am planning on going to Pilates class after work (lately I am too busy to go to the gym, so thats gonna be my treat for my body 😊). And I am debating with myself what to do after. Deffinitely have a glass of wine or sparkling wine. Maybe watch a movie. And I would like to buy myself some flowers 😊 (he never bought me any). And on a weekend i will do my underwear shopping ☺☺
And right now while typing I have a very cheeky smile ❤❤❤
Its gonna be my best valentine with quality ME time.

[KIP.]

I decided today that I’m dating myself. I’m spoiling myself. Im going to get the Marks Dine In for Two Valentines special and I’m going to choose what I want and eat it all myself. Any leftovers will do my lunch the next day. I’m going to dig out my favourite DVD and sit with my valentines dessert and chill. There willbe no drama, no whinging, no tantrums, no walking on eggshells because he will expect sex which made my skin crawl. Onwards and upwards x it’s true that we don’t show ourselves the love we deserve so Happy Valentines Day ❤️

[SunshineRainflower]

Yes, there are so many things that we do in relationships that we feel we ‘aren’t allowed’ to do when single, I think it’s one of the reasons why singledom can feel a bit bleak, a bit rubbish, and a lot of people have a default mode of pitying you if you’re single, especially if you’re a woman. It is like a hangover from the days when women had to get married in order to survive.

There are so many holidays and occasions that celebrate coupledom and children, like engagement, hen dos, stag dos, marriage, anniversaries, baby showers, christenings, even children’s birthday parties etc and as a single woman with no children it can often feel like society is saying ‘you are unimportant, you must pay your respects and celebrate our coupled up life but we will not celebrate yours and instead we will just pity you and assume there is something wrong with you that you have failed to find a husband and have children by now.’

It’s about time all sorts of different people got celebrated. I am glad you’re going to have a nice valentines day. By the sounds of it our exes were all rubbish at gifts and showing affection anyway so it’s not like we are missing out! I’m pretty sure my ex shopped around for the cheapest bunch of roses he could find last year, I even found myself googling it I was so suspicious about it. I remember looking at the roses as they started to die a few days later and they gave me such a creepy feeling, they reminded me of films where stalkers send roses and felt manipulative rather than loving or joyous. It was well before I realised he was abusive and it was strange, like a message trying to get through from my subconscious. I will enjoy picking myself out a big happy bunch of flowers this year 🙂

[cloudyday]

Yep Im going to buy myself a really lovely bunch of flowers as flowers make me happy. My abuser has only ever bought me one bunch in the whole time we have been together and that was at the beginning. Last Valentines I turned up at his with a card and gifts and after a horrendous fight instigated by him I was physically removed from his flat and most of the gifts and my card were destroyed. I will never forget it. Every birthday, Christmas or special occasion is ruined by him without fail. He will not ruin Valentines day this year. I think I will also buy some nice fluffy towels, scented candles and have a nice bubble bath. I will relax in the bath with a glass or 2 of Prosecco and then relax in bed watching my fav programmes. I’m looking forward to it already. We don’t need a man for a date night with ourselves. Thankyou SunshineRainflower for making us realise that we should all be kind to ourselves and also spoil ourselves once in a while. x

[fridges]

Hi everyone,
I like a lot, what you wrote here. My treat will be to visit my two girlfriends for the afternoon tea, in a very nice place. It will not be on Valentines day, but later. And I do not mind to wait for this special treat. Plus I made an appointment to have consultation about my skin condition, I want to improve my face, may be some chemical peels, I have heard they do the magic.
And possibly to buy very good hair vitamins, which are working well for me.

[Tiffany]

I bought a Valentine’s Day gift for a friend who I know is finding being single this year hard. I always liked giving more than getting and haven’t ever got too caught up in Valentine’s. I had an ex, pre-abuse, who was really into it, but before and after I haven’t really bothered. Still, it feels nice to do something for someone who won’t belittle me for making the effort.

[Bubblegum]

Love this post ladies .I bought myself some roses from Tesco’s the other day .I usually buy my kids cards chocolates balloons I enjoy making a fuss over them .Best thing of all
Will enjoy the peace no dramas working on egg shells or pretending to be all loved up on social media .x*x

[SunshineRainflower]

I had a funny moment today, when I went to the tip to drop off some recycling. I’d never actually been before as my mum used to insist on going so I was scared to go and kept putting it off. I randomly saw a really pretty vintage Christmas decoration in perfect condition on the floor there and picked it up to save it from landfill. Just as I was leaving, a staff member who’d been quite nice and helpful held something up which looked like a shiny red heart decoration and asked if I wanted it. It was the matching decoration to the one I’d found and he said he knew I’d like it! It was funny because it looked like he was holding up this shiny red heart thing for me! It felt like a sign from the universe rewarding me for facing my fear for going there and also had a daft but nice Valentines vibe to it. I think it was all synchronicity, a sign of being on the right path. I have cleaned the decorations up and put them on my mantelpiece where they look lovely,it is a good job it was raining otherwise I would have been tempted to see what other treasures I could find and would have looked a bit mad! 😀

[KIP.]

Hey sunshine. That positive vibe is a great sign you’re well on the way to recovery. If you were still being abused I doubt you would have stopped to pick up the decoration. Or maybe just been annoyed that someone had dropped it. I used to go from one bad experience to the next. Now I know it was the frame of mind I was in. I always liked the saying ‘take time to smell the flowers’. Now I try to smell the flowers every day. Happy Valentine Day to you. May your decorations make you smile and remind you that there are nice people out there too!

[Tiffany]

Loved your serendipitous take SunshineRainflower. I am feeling serendipity today too with an unexpected day off work. Bad weather has made the journey impassable. So having planned to ignore Valentine’s Day I am now suddenly re-planning and thinking that a full on pampering day might be exactly what I shall have! I have a nice candle which was a Christmas gift, and I am going to have a bath, drink hot chocolate, do crafts and tidy my room. The last one doesn’t sound quite as pampering as the others, but it’s going to really make me feel good and therefore it counts as pampering!

[Ayanna]

I could not help it, but I bought myself some big knickers among other presents and flowers.

I started the day with a bubble bath and a coffee with lots of cream on top.
I will go to the cinema tonight.

[SunshineRainflower]

Thank you KIP, yes I know that this time last year I would have felt really guilty and wanted to immediately ‘declare’ speaking to this workman to my ex, who would have asked me where I had been and who I had spoken to anyway. It seemed normal at the time but now I can see how bad and controlling it was. And of course I am pretty sure he was actually having sex with at least one other person behind my back, let alone talking to loads on dating sites. The hypocrisy of these men is really quite staggering, my head starts to hurt when I think about what he was probably doing behind my back. Happy Valentines day to you too and I hope you are having a good day, thank you for all your help and support on here. 🙂

I love that you got a random unexpected day off for Valentines day Tiffany, I hope you are enjoying it so far (I feel exactly the same about tidying my room, it makes me feel so much better so I always quite enjoy it). What are you going to make today in your craft session?

Ayanna I love big pants, they are my new favourite! 😀 So glad you treated yourself to some nice flowers and gifts too.

My day has not been quite as planned but I am enjoying it all the same. I ordered myself a piece of equipment that will really help me with my business so had to stay in to receive the parcel, but I used the time to try out a new recipe. The new equipment has arrived and looks great, and I plan to go to the gym and buy myself some flowers and fresh fruit this afternoon 🙂

Wishing you all a lovely day. Even if it’s a difficult day, just remember to do everything with self love.

[Tiffany]

I taught myself to draw zentangles SunshineRainflower. I don’t normally draw, but I found it really relaxing and will probably do more. I also did a lot of cooking which I enjoyed.

I am so glad that you have reached such a good place Sunshine, I love the happy mindset that you are painting such a vivid picture of. I have lost that a little, but I am hoping it will return as I climb out of the dip I am currently in.

[SunshineRainflower]

That sounds good Tiffany, it’s always good to learn something new.

As predicted when I was mentioning about the rollercoaster, my mood has really dropped the last few days. I found Valentines day harder than I expected, and feel like it is still upsetting me, because I feel reminded that this weekend couples will be romancing eachother and I feel sad remembering how this time last year I had a partner and was really looking forward to Valentines day with him, despite the fact that he had treated me badly a few days before.

I have noticed that when my mood drops, it is usually after a series of events, most of which are out of my control and it takes at least a few days to feel ok again, so maybe it is the same for you. For me the chain of events this time were:

– Getting an unexpected email telling me an expensive parcel was going to be delivered anytime between 10am and 8pm meant I had to stay in and scuppered my plans of going out
– This meant no nice breakfast, gym trip or having the ingredients for dinner in time!
– I decided to use the time to bake but didn’t like what I made and they took way longer in the oven than planned.
– After baking I felt really tired and only ended up getting ready and leaving the house by the evening
– Decided to commit to one of my plans and went to Sainsburys to buy food but instantly felt depressed the moment I walked in because it was like a morgue in there and the thought came into my head ‘oh my god, it is so empty here because literally EVERYONE ELSE IN THE ENTIRE CITY IS AT HOME HAVING SEX WITH EACHOTHER.’ That stayed with me the whole time I was there and I felt like a loser for being there on Valentines day night and none of the flowers were reduced and were really expensive so I didn’t buy myself any.
– Due to being upset, I ended up in one of my inadvisable extreme night owl modes and stayed up til 4am looking at apps for how to save money because I noticed that I was spending way too much in Sainsburys
– Woke up next day exhausted, only went to the gym in the afternoon
– Then my parents dropped by to do with the car and despite only seeing them for a few minutes they totally invalidated me, interrupted me, dismissed what I said and left me feeling like this incapable, irrelevent, demanding person all while being very polite!
– Today was better until I discovered someone had brought their dog into my front yard and let it poo in front of my step which feels very hostile and also is trespassing. I had to clean it up which was depressing and gross and now I’m worried I have some local enemy.
– Saw something on the news about two people at a workplace cheating with eachtother and it depressed me no end seeing all the comments joking about how it was no big deal (as if cheating is ok) and it reminded me of how I believe my ex was cheating on me with at least one woman at work which still gets to me to this day
– Tonight I suddenly felt MASSIVELY ALONE and like I just really wanted to cry and have someone give me a big hug. It feels so hard not having anyone to give me a hug, not even a friend. I just sobbed for about an hour and let all the pain come up.

So yes, this journey is so tough, and it’s ok to feel rubbish. I hope you get some better days soon. It really is a rollercoaster.

[Tiffany]

I am doing better today – I bought myself loads of flowers because they were really reduced after valentine’s day – and still almost perfect I had to throw away one rose out of three entire bunches because it was damaged, but at just over £1 a bunch I didn’t exactly mind! I am realising, after spending my entire afternoon sleeping that I am actually pretty exhausted and that I need to rest more as part of my self care. I am mostly back to enjoying being single after an intense patch of missing my abuser. Fortunately the need to be held has died down. Although it seems a litter ironic given that I am actually enjoying being single that I am going on more dates again now. Have a couple lined up next week. I had been asked out ages ago, but put it off until I had a car and a bit more control of my environment! If they don’t come to anything then I will probably stop looking for a while.

[starryeyed]

Reading everyones posts on here has really made me feel warm and hopeful – what lovely ideas and you are all totally right…how empowering to look after yourselves so well. I wish I had come on here on the 14th because I found the day really difficult. I’m not one to usually care about Valentines but this year was tough, maybe because I left my partner the week before. He would actually go to great lengths with gifts – plants, a Christmas tree, booking flights away over Christmas. But yeah, usually occasions or going out would result in ‘something’ happening…either him shouting at me, accusing me of something, being sulky at me .etc.

Sending lots of love to you all.

[Author]

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