Letting go is tough

[Amethystrainbow]

My husband is the gift that keeps giving. Even though we separated in (detail removed by moderator) following infidelities we were, I thought, looking to reconcile but I’ve recently found out he’s been seeing two women since (detail removed by moderator). We don’t live together which when confronted with the first he conveniently used to say it wasn’t adultery as he hadn’t said all the things about working on things. The second I found out about (detail removed by moderator). Not only am I angry for obvious reasons but this man has played games on a covid level as he is an (detail removed by moderator) nurse. He used the lockdown as a reason to not come home which is ironic. I’ve already arranged counselling through our local domestic abuse service but I cannot understand how someone can lie and deceive to this level. Of course I’ll be to blame if I confronted him which as we are still not living together I think might be the least stressful option for me. It’s cruel mindgames and I simply don’t understand them. He took my marriage certificate the other day as he wanted to divorce me and that has really angered me. How dare he when I’ve done nothing wrong! I guess I’m just getting things off my chest. I truly think I’m dealing with a very mentally unstable man

 

[KIP.]

When their abuse is exposed they often turn the tables and become nasty and blame you so they don’t have to face their own appalling behaviour. You can bet he’s badmouthing you to anyone that will listen. Things are okay in their world when they have the power and you go along with everything he wants and says but when you decide to stand up to his behaviour, his abuse will escalate as the tries to regain control (in his mind). Sadly he’s probably been lying and deceiving for years, it’s only now your eyes are opening. I’d change the locks and see a solicitor to begin divorce proceeding and agree a separation date as soon as possible. Most solicitors offer free legal advice. Screen shot and keep all evidence you can. You can divorce him for adultery or you only need one count of abuse so these are options. Or you can just do the two year separation (depending on what country you’re in). While you’re still married you’re responsible for debt in the marriage so you need to get bank statements and documents and make sure he’s not been running up joint debt. Block him on everything. These men are often serial cheaters and more often than not have a woman in the background as they’re so insecure in themselves. I read about n**********c abuse and it really helped me understand some of his behaviour. These men are also liars so do not believe a word he says. Cut him out your life, take control, get legal,advice and forge ahead x

[Hazydayz]

Morning. Glad you had a go at getting things off your chest. Your seeing things through red mist I see right now, and maybe? through rose tinted glasses in other times past, do you think? I can sympathize with what you have endured. Maybe? he did see that you would keep holding on, hoping against odds, for changes that were never going to happen? and this man? took advantage of it! It’s insulting to find you have been cheated on, I know that myself, from previous marital experience but we do recover from it fortunately! Only when we remove ourselves from the situation I believe, and that can be, in some cases; eventually! You have a headstart…your living apart and he is making it easier for you than you may think? He isn’t coming back! This is going to hurt your hope, I understand honestly I do and your pride is going to suffer injustice with him telling you by taking marriage certificate, he is divorcing you. I don’t think he’s mentally unstable at all, he is calculated! I think he maybe choosing now is the time to let go. He has a life you don’t know about and sadly for you, you have no choice but to accept it’s over as far as he is concerned. It’s likely you would never have divorced him, he might see, do you think maybe? I don’t know about any DV you may have suffered? You mention counselling but this will all get sorted and help you move forward in time I hope. I see KIP makes very valuable points and although our posts differ we come to the same point…look after you now! I hope I haven’t upset you at all, I’m trying to be supportive in an objective way, it sometimes helps? So as not to be the one who becomes mentally unstable with it all! Take good care of yourself💞

[Amethystrainbow]

Thank you both. I have had a very productive day with an email sent to my solicitor, listening to a relationship workshop about attachment styles and my copy certificate has been ordered. Yes I can see our marriage is over but for the last (detail removed by moderator) we have been working things through and looking to the future in my world. Once lockdown was relaxed a little he has been to our home an worked in the garden and spent time together. Again I was completely oblivious to the fact his intentions were not true and when he said he wanted it to work and loved me they were just lies. I am hoping the counselling with the DV support group will help with the effects of not only the infidelities but also the blame, gaslighting, stonewalling and lies he has told about me. I have lost much of my confidence and feel the last (detail removed by moderator) was just a lie. My priority is me now.

 

 

[Hazydayz]

Hello again my lovely. I hope you have had a day that has helped you. Thankyou for expanding on what was written earlier and I want to offer my sympathies to you. You have every right to feel hurt and in shock right now. I understand now the reference to mind games you mentioned before. You have suffered, been let down again and again, that’s unfair! you deserved better. So good for you! Your forging ahead today, being productive but there will be times when your struggling and we are here for you remember 💞

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