Life after (detail removed by moderator) years in a controlling relationship

[Gemma]

Hi everyone,

I am new to this forum and so glad I have found it. (detail removed by moderator) I finally found the strength and courage to leave my partner after (detail removed by moderator) together. He controlled every aspect of my life, from not allowing me any money (he would pay for everything) choosing what we ate, when we slept, who we spoke to. I was not allowed a phone, and had to use his, to communicate with the family he still allowed me to have contact with. He also had to be present when I spoke to them. The worst part was he would not let me visit or stay with my adult children and elderly father who lived 120 miles away.

Non of my family could understand why I stayed with him. It is so hard to explain how terrified you can be of someone you love and who says loves you. On an intellectual level, I knew it was far from normal or right, but emotionally I was petrified if leaving and lived in fear every day I was there. We were together literally 24/7 he watched everything I did, which made it impossible to ask for help. At one point I was convinced he could read my mind, which sounds crazy, but such was his influence over me, and the degree to which he could read my mood, for a while I truly believed it. The final straw was when he would not let me go to my son’s wedding. The son I had not seen for (detail removed by moderator) because he would not come to visit me. He hated my partner and felt very angry about the situation. I knew if I did not go to his wedding, he would never forgive me, and I would never forgive myself. In a rare two minute conversation, where my partner was on the loo, I said I wanted to go to my son’s wedding and needed help. All three of my adult children came for me.

I was euphoric to be home, seeing my family and three grandchildren. But am so exhausted now, and feel overwhelmed. I am not used to managing my own money, or making important decisions. I need to find somewhere to live, currently I stay alternate weeks with two of my children. I need a job to support myself, but have not worked in 10 years, I am (detail removed by moderator) and don’t know what I am capable of or have the stamina for. And there is this fear, of him pulling me in again, though I cannot think of anything I would hate more. I just wish I had more energy and didn’t feel so fearful about the future.

[freedomtochoose]

Hello Gemma, just wanted to say well done, well done, well done for making the move.
You will find that there is a bunch of us on here over fifty and making new starts.
It is going to take time obviously, but lovely to have you on here.
Keep posting…step by step…

ftc

x

[Surviving]

It gets easier to get used to being without a controlling man. I was scared when I finally left as I never was aloud to do finances and he said I will never manage money if I leave. Actually I am so much better off. I have all my bills come out on the same date every month. I can treat myself when I like and my finances are much better than they were when I was with him. I don’t have to be scared to spend a few pound when I go into town. I don’t have to tell anyone how much I spent to the penny at the end of the day. You will get used to it and see it’s much better.
Don’t get drawn back to him. It won’t make you happy. You have your kids and a life now

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