Life after Abuse

[Nacaw]

I have recently left an abusive relationship after he physically attacked me and was arrested.  Why do I feel guilty for him being arrested and also miss him so much.  I had (time frame removed by moderator) of this behaviour – originally it was shouting, anger and insults but had started to escalate to threatening behaviour.  I had been thinking before this happened I had to get away from him but it was easier to stay as he would have never left voluntarily.  I do know that I am better off without him but feel so lonely without him. I should be relieved really and don’t know why I am not – so confused.

[minimeerkat]

its ok to feel this way – there are going to be many different even conflicting emotions.  the guilt could be because you somehow felt responsible for any abuse or were even manipulated into believing it was always your fault. or you could be thinking of the nice version of your partner that you saw in the early days – even seeing the nice version at times alongside the abuse.  so i dont know if it will help you to write down everything that was said & done to cause you pain during the relationship as this could then show the actual truth of how your partner behaved towards you – and that if anyone should be feeling guilty it is him

there are also the trauma bonds that develop within abusive relationships which for example can cause you to crave the very person who has hurt you – and if so when you read about how these bonds are formed it can help you understand a lot of what you may be feeling at the moment.  are you in touch with your local da service because it can  help so much to have contact with people who understand & can support you.  you are right you are better of without this person in your life – hopefully in time with the right support any guilt & confusion will become less.  and you will eventually feel confident that you got rid of the bad to make room for the good x

[Nacaw]

Thanks what you have said makes so much sense. I do try to think of all the things he spoiled with his behaviour but do still find myself missing him.  I have support from local groups and am seeking some counselling. I just feel right now I will never feel better from this.

[Sunisshining]

Both your posts have been read by me. I too miss him, want to see him, be with him but then can’t stop thinking what he as done to me the last incident is unforgivable for me, my own incident my own memories.  I’ve heard of trauma bond but don’t understand it.

I’m stuck in immense confusion I have got DV involved and their supportive help is starting soon.

To be in the confusion of hurt and no hurt, good or bad, is immense pain and its only the memory of the last incident that stops me contacting him.

It’s very  early days for me but thank you for your posts

[Skitty]

I am physically disabled and have suffered from depression and anxiety for many years before I married my abuser. I eventually got him to leave our house and changed the locks. As I studied DM I discovered that almost all victims are just totally confused. This gave me great comfort. He continued to be a threat, moving in the same church circles and imagined his act was believed by all. It wasn’t. He followed us and kept turning up at places when we had appointments.  My daughter and I did not feel safe until he died.

I got him out by working out what he was getting out of the relationship beyond power and control. (removed by Moderator). I had kept relatively safe by playing the dutiful wife. So when I got the “I love you” ie I want sex, I said maybe tomorrow and gave an excuse. I stopped him using my benefit money. So when he wanted to go shopping or get petrol, I said “Sorry I have run out of money.” I had never lied to him before and he believed every word. (removed by Moderator).

He left (number removed by Moderator) years ago. This year is the first that I have actually felt really happy. My daughter is not there yet.

[Author]

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