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    • #51389
      maddog
      Participant

      Don’t really know what to think. Last week I felt believed for a rare time in my life and for the first time with my own relationship. It felt like a crushing weight being lifted. Now I just feel nked, bruised and vulnerable but with the potential to breathe. I don’t know how to go on. It’s like waking up from a nightmare and I am struggling to believe myself.

    • #51390
      KIP.
      Participant

      Try to take things one hour at a time. Then one day at a time. It’s overwhelming. The changes in your thought processes. The realisation that you are believed and the realisation that you were abused. Baby steps x

    • #51402
      maddog
      Participant

      Thank you KIP for yor kind words. My younger daughter isn’t speaking to me. She grumps around and isn’t remotely interested. I’m concerned about her. I think she thinks it’s all my fault and my husband is loving it.

    • #51419
      Freedomfighter
      Participant

      Hi Maddox,
      So sorry to hear you’re struggling and problems with your daughter. It hurts so much when that happens. My eldest son is listening to his dad, actually sticking up for him asking how I know he’s lying. He knows perfectly well that he’s a liar, even accused him to his face a couple of weeks later and they both laughed about it. My son told me his father would never change so just accept that he loves me and ignore the rest!!
      My son is an adult, I don’t know how old your daughter is or if you could talk to her about any of this. Not sure it would help since my son just thinks I am hysterical and paranoid like his father told him. I don’t know how I’m supposed to prove I’m Not when his father is a controlling liar who’s more convincing than I am telling the truth
      That’s why I won’t involve the police.
      You’re so right about them loving breaking down our relationship with our children. I don’t know what the answer is. I spoke to my counsellor about it, she said his father had convinced me with his lies for decades so it was only natural that my son wouldn’t want to believe his father was a bad person
      I’m holding on to that and just praying he’ll find out the truth when I leave.
      Maybe if you tried talking to a counsellor about your relationship problems with your daughter they might be able to suggest something.
      I don’t know what else to suggest, I’m just continuing to love my son and hope he’ll see the truth for himself and hope he can forgive me for leaving him with his father so we can rebuild our relationship when he’s ready. It’s so, so difficult, but he’s an adult and I can’t make him believe me. I’ve had to watch my husband slowly lure him away. My son is a good man, with a good heart and is intelligent, so I just have to keep believing in him, that he’ll eventually see the truth and forgive me for leaving him. I tried to leave decade ago, but stayed because of him. I can’t do that this time. He has a girlfriend and his own life, he doesn’t need me so much now, I’ve taught him how to look after himself, how to cook, do his laundry, etc. He has the tools to survive, he just has to learn just how much constant support I’ve been giving him all these years and see the truth. I don’t give into his father because I’m weak, but because initially I loved him and then because I loved my son and put his needs above my own and did whatever it took to make our lives as pleasant and calm and loving as I could. All we can do is our best and keep loving them.
      Good luck Maddog, maybe google children living with abuse, you may find some help and guidance there. Best wishes x

    • #51446
      maddog
      Participant

      My daughter is still a child, not yet a fully blown teenager. I am sorry, Freedom, for what you have endured. The worm is turning for me after decades of useless marriage guidance and therapists shoving metaphorcal socks in my mouth. It is good. However it is the first time that it might dawn on my husband that his behaviour has been out of order. That he has been lying to above all himself. It feels amazing to be believed. It is also terrifying that my husband is now aware that his behaviour is under the spotlight. This frightens me.
      He has told me I can clear the house to prepare it for the market. I just haven’t told him when.
      He has tried to blame me for his behaviour including petitioning me for divorce.
      He will blame me for SS interest in him and I am in no doubt that he will lie. His reality is not mine.

    • #51525
      Freedomfighter
      Participant

      They seem to have their own alternate reality, at least mine does. My counsellor says he just denies doing anything wrong because it’s a formula that’s worked for him in the past. I can understand that, but sometimes it’s as if he really believes his lies. It like he convinces himself it’s the truth if that makes sense.
      I know they all push the blame onto us, but he’s so, so convincing when he’s pleading his innocence and denying he would do/say such things. That’s why I don’t want police involvement or a court case if possible. He’ll crucify me and can afford lawyers and accountants, but I can’t.
      Still at least you are free and away from him- road to recovery! Congrats and good luck with everything

    • #51574
      Greyskydarkdays
      Participant

      My partner also involves r children when he’s on one, and in the moment they are upset and won’t leave my side as they can hear him and he’s the only one mad, but when it calms they ask me things like why did u tell daddy to leave it why won’t you let daddy stay here, and it’s just what they put in there head, he told my son I don’t love him, wich was very hurtful he’s a teenager now and is always by my side, he sees and hears, but my girls love there daddy and are to young to understand the ins and outs, maybe you could get her some counselling or if she’s old enough get her a diary, explaining that if she’s got any thought to write them down, I use a worry monster for my daughter she puts her worries in his mouth and he eats them, obviously we discuss the issue, she gets very upset at bedtime, and is like a toddler but she’s nearly Finished junior school

    • #51578
      maddog
      Participant

      A worry monster is a lovely idea, Greysky. I have asked her how I can help and she blanks me. Yes, Freedom, I recognise the alternative reality. It’s really really odd. (detail removed by moderator). It’s lots of little things. I really think his grip on reality is failing him. He has been referred to a course for abusive men. I don’t think he knows that’s who it’s for. He holds a belief that he is perfect in every way.

      I don’t have a former ‘me’ to go back to. Although I am not totally self-destructive, it’s still there decades later. I am not ill, but I’m still pretty c**p at doing nice things for myself. It happens rarely. I can barely count on one hand the times when I have actually looked after myself and treated myself kindly.

    • #51587
      Greyskydarkdays
      Participant

      I think that u just get the hang of not treating yourself as u don’t deserve it, it won’t make u look better or feel better as that’s what gets drilled into you, i on the other hand am a spender, buy anyone anything, the last new thing I had was years ago, I saw some comments on here a lady asking what have you brought yourself lately? Maybe u could start with a new lipstick or a new pen to keep ur thoughts, something that makes u feel good inside, doesn’t need to be expensive, I hope u can get threw to your daughter, just be there and hold her hand let her no ur there.😊

    • #51635
      maddog
      Participant

      I used to buy the occasional lipstick, Greysky! I find with makeup though that it ends up all over my face and not in a good way, so I’ve rather given up on it.

      The removals people came today to help me pack. They weren’t helping me, they were doing it as I hung around completely stumped and shocked, trying not to cry. Tomorrow it goes into storage. My husband was supposed to to to SS tomorrow but now isn’t. That’s a pain as all the furniture is leaving the house tomorrow. I hope I will be safe later on.

      His reality really doesn’t tally with mine and it seems to be getting worse. Although he is not being overtly abusive he is still blaming me for things I have nothing whatsoever to do with. I really don’t feel safe with him.

    • #51636
      KIP.
      Participant

      Maddog trust your gut. These men are most dangerous when we leave or soon after. Can you stay at family or friends tonight? He sounds dangerous. Often we minimise things because we are used to dealing with such dysfunction.

    • #51638
      maddog
      Participant

      It isn’t me who’s moving. Just stuff. I need to get the house on the market and I’m moving stuff out because the house resembles a 2nd hand junk shop. I really don’t think he cares. He doesn’t do love. You would get more intimate with a rock. He’s always been like that. Rocks are better though.

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