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I know we all have them when waking up to the abuse…
I’ve been reading ‘why does he do that?’ OMG! What an eye opener!
For the first time it’s really sunken in for me. I always gave my ex excuses – he can’t manage anger, he had a bad childhood. Now I see – anger doesn’t cause the abuse, abusive tendencies and thoughts of entitlement etc cause the anger. Years I spent thinking counselling and meds would help. Nope! And this is why. I know plenty have said abuse is a choice but it’s really hit home for me today. Abusive men cause abuse.
I am so thankful for everyone on here who have supported me and shared stories. To think I could have still been wasting years of my life on this man. Xx -
Ditto, it all makes sense doesn’t it? Anger really doesn’t cause the abuse, i am only a few chapters in and this absolutely makes perfect sense. I actually always believed until I started reading this book that my husband abuse is because of his anger. He is extremely laid back but when he has his bursts of anger my skin would be crawling and nothing I could to calm him. so I concluded that the fact that he didn’t know how to deal with his anger lead him to be abusif. But the book taught me that was wrong and definitely not the case. Another illustration in the book that resonates with me is that it’s never the right time or the right way to bring things up. I would be dismissed continuously and I would hurt as a result because I could not quite tell him that he did me wrong.
I hope you are living your life to the fullest and I am so glad you got out of it. Just baby step for me at the moment I am sure I will get there-
Oh yes, I could never confront my ex. He’d go off it! Even if I disagreed with him over a political view or whatever. Never able to agree to disagree. One way street for him. His way or no way. He lived his best life while I was like b****y Cinderella.
I’m living a peaceful life. We are deprived of so many simple pleasures living with these men xx
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Same , I never knew this was a condition I always thought he was a one off but being on here and reading posts it’s like these men have all come from the same mold programmed the same and say the same things ! How can this be that identical behaviour is going on ,same threats ,same promises and tantrums .I feel for anyone that’s lived this because it’s damaging ,we try to protect ourselves by blocking it out but at some stage it emerges and consumes your thoughts and days as we attempt to move on from it with the help of councilling and groups like this supporting each other ,it’s helped me a lot x
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I once read that abusive men don’t have a problem with their anger they have a problem with ours. That’s stuck with me. Try to remember a time when you were angry with them and how they twisted that anger, turned it back on us or became excessively aggressive in return.
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My ex would “fight fire with fire” as he’d put it. If I got angry because I couldn’t take being belittled anymore he’d up the anti until I had to back down. He’d shout and swear and call me the most hideous names. This is when he has become physical with me. Just enough to keep me in line. He was like a small child who wanted the last word. I’ve never, in all the years I was with him, known him to not have the last word, ever!
I used to think that because my ex was generally an angry man he couldn’t control it and that he was likely to be anxious and traumatised from his childhood. I’ve been barking up the wrong tree for years. He gets angry because he likes it and has grandiose thoughts of self. Also he can control it perfectly well – like when love bombing x
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I’m not sure how much is anger and how much is acting because he could turn on a sixpence if someone came in.
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Yes I know what you mean. Showing anger to control as opposed to feeling it. A bit like when a teacher raises their voice to control a rowdy class. Our abusers think they have a god given right to use angry tactics to control when they genuinely might not feel angry – like when they say awful things about us that they know very well aren’t true x
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That book was an eye opener for me too. It’s taken away all the “why is he being so horrible?” Now I can see it’s all about control. I think I kind of knew a lot of it was about manipulation but the book really tied all the threads together. There were so many things described that he does. I can remember a friend suggesting I get angry with him to give him a surprise. I said he will always get angrier than me. I used to think he was just a really agree person but like the book and others have said, my anger makes him angry. I wish I’d read it years ago!
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