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    • #47033
      Copperflame
      Participant

      When I met my abusive friend she was in a very dark place; she still loved and missed her ex, she was lonely, homesick, missed her family, didn’t like her new area and had bad PTSD. I totally get this – I was in a similar dark place with both When I first met my abusive friend she was in a dark place: She still loved and missed her ex, was depressed, lonely, homesick, missed her family and disliked her new area. I totally get this! I was in a similar dark place with both of my abusers more times than I care to remember.

      The difference was, I was willing to seek professional help – I saw my GP and had antidepressants, I had counselling, I had mental health support and on more than one occasion had support from the crisis mental health team when I was at crisis point.

      My friend refused to consider any kind of professional help whatsoever, despite my encouragement. It has now just dawned on me that she expected ME to provide her with all the support that should have come from professionals; she expected me to do it all – be her emotional caretaker, counsellor, taxi driver and a whole lot of other things besides.

      Lightbulb moment! Because this is what abusers do isn’t it – expect their partners to cater for all their physical and emotional needs – and this is what she expected of ME. No wonder she refused to seek any kind of professional help, because in her entitled mind, I was the one who was supposed to provide all this.

      Yet I had not long fled DV myself and was only in the early stages of recovery myself. I was in a better place emotionally because of all the support I’d had, but like all selfish and entitled abusers, it mattered not that I was still quite fragile and vulnerable. She latched onto me, expecting me to be all things and everything. With an abuser you could be dying or seriously ill, but they would still expect you to put their needs first. Totally and utterly selfish.

    • #47035
      Serenity
      Participant

      As caring people, we find it all too easy to take on other’s problems as our own, and what’s worse is, certain people know that about us and take full advantage. We are meant to be their 24 hour counsellor, verbal punchbag- and whatever else stops them from facing their difficult truths and taking responsibility for their own lives and futures.

      One thing Ive noticed about all of us here on this forum is that we are all resourceful. We all go out and get advice, get help, are willing to self-reflect and to do the hard work of working through our issues.

      Selfish people want us to take on their pain. They want us to buoy them up but at the same time, they don’t care about our needs. The more twisted amongst them will actuallyfeel better about themselves if we feel bad about ourselves, put our life and success on hold for them and neglect everyone else to be their 24 hour personal slave.

      No, abusers don’t care if we live or die. They would only miss us as a servant tending to their every need.

      I have realised that my weakness is to give too much of myself- at the expense of my self. I find it too easy to be dragged into others’ dramas and then end up feeling invisible.

      It’s good to give to others. But I think we need to give the right amount to the right people. Some people you could try 110% with, and they’d still want to remain in their situation, not wanting to face certain truths. We can end up enabling their victim behaviour by pandering to them for too long. Other people will be grateful and take on board the little time and advice you do give. They will reflect on others’ advice and try to make changes. Some people seem to like being the eternal victim, as it makes them feel important; other, genuine victims would do anything to find a way out of true, deep pain. The latter are those who it’s worth sacrificing time for. And it’s certainly not in your job description to put up with abuse, however low or depressed someone is.

    • #47039
      Ayanna
      Participant

      I would not call her abusive, rather do I think that she fails to take responsibility for herself.
      This can happen with people who were severely abused.
      She might be unable to do anything for herself because she was not allowed to think and decide for herself.

      You recognized her behaviour.
      In order to help her is to not help her.
      She will find the way to professional help that way.

    • #47049
      Serenity
      Participant

      Hi Copperflame,

      I’m going on previous posts where you say she has been abusive to you.

    • #47076
      Copperflame
      Participant

      Thank you Serenity and Ayanna. Sorry for the brief reply this evening but I haven’t been feeling well.

      Ayanna, this friend has been emotionally very abusive. I was aware for several months that I came away feeling irritated, negative and drained every time I saw her, but it took a long time for me to join the dots and realise the way she was treating me was emotional abuse.

      Since I ended the friendship she has been sending me barrages of abusive messages. Finally I texted her yesterday to warn her I’d report her to the police for harassment if she didn’t stop. She hasn’t sent any more since and I hope this is the last of it.

      Serenity I will respond to your reply in more detail tomorrow when I feel a bit better.

      Thanks again, Copperflame xx

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