Lingering effects

[Eve1]

Is anyone else of out a long time but still feel the affects and impact of one or more types of abuse? I have had no contact with him, have had none for almost a couple of years really, and I can see clearly how he abused me and how little he really cared for me, or anyone but himself. If it wasn’t for the kids and the financial impact he’s had on me I wouldn’t give him a second thought, I hope. Financially is how it all still impacts me. I was so dependent on him and he’d made me think I was so bad with money and generally filled my headspace with having to think of him and worry about his reactions first, I had no way of thinking about what I would need for the future, no thought that I was entitled to anything really. I was too trusting of him early on, not aware that another human being could be that cruel. At least now I have that knowledge.

Make sure you are as free as possible from him mentally and physically before you have to make those big financial decisions and don’t do it via mediation in the same room as him. That’s did not help me in the long run.

Sending love and hugs to all those that need it.

Eve
x

[Eggshells]

Thank you Eve. Sadly, it is a part of our lives that we can’t just wipe away.

I’ve been out for a little while and I’m still trying to get myself straight. I had to leave everything behind. I have a temporary job and a temporary home which isn’t ideal. I miss my friends and I hate him for what he’s done to my life.

On the other side, I have freedom, the love of my family and I’m one step closer to getting properly settled. I’ve managed in a way that I never thought possible, standing on my own two feet and being who I want to be. I’m carving out a whole new life for myself. It’s worth any financial hardship.

I’m not ready to let go of the anger yet, I don’t know if I ever will be. I hope one day that I’ll just not think about him anymore so that he can no longer bring darkness into my world but yes, it is a lingering process.

[Eve1]

Hi Eggshells,

I’m glad you’re free and looking forward to carving out a new life. Let’s hope we can both, in fact all of us, get to a point where we are free from the effects as it’s possible be.

Eve
x

[Empoweredhealing]

Eve1, the effect of abuse is so deep and long lasting that I’m continually amazed by it. It has taken me 4 times longer than I ever thought possible to feel truly mentally free. But it’s possible to have days where I feel so much hope and joy for the future. So it has been worth it. And the struggle to get here let me know that I can never allow abuse back my life again.

[Eve1]

Hi EH,

I agree that the knowledge I have means I would rather be on my own than risk having abusers around You deserve hope and joy. Abusers rob us off any hope. None of us deserve that.

I hope for a Christmas that’s as safe and joyful as possible for us all.

Eve
x

[Dolly2019]

I believe, the longer term effects will be felt by us in new relationships. I fear my self esteem is so low, I will be amazed that anyone wants to treat me well. Which is a terrible place to be because, when I was younger, I felt I deserved the moon and the stars, as a young woman ought to feel. There has been a steady decline after a neglectful marriage into a situation with a man so cruel, so exploitative, it leaves you mentally breathless.

Talking helps, as does finding little ways to re-focus on ourselves. One day at a time. Brick by little brick. Buying a book that might teach us something new. Focusing on a new course we might do. Planning next steps. These all give us our power back and rob them of the control they once had. That feeling of freedom is priceless.

X

[Hetty]

I’m in the very early stages of getting out. At first I was elated to be away. I packed up my car and got out with my child and my pet. Now I am trying to come to terms with all that has happened. I minimised the psychological trauma he was inflicting and now I am feeling the impact. It’s exhausting and I don’t think I’ve ever felt so low. Thankfully I have a decent job but even then I started to think how if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t be in this job, how I’ve never been able to cope in life. Of course part of me knows that actually I carved a career for myself and maybe could have done better if he hadn’t of been dragging me down. It’s like he’s still in my head. Truly awful. Right now I can’t see how I’m ever going to feel happy again. The exhaustion I feel is like nothing I’ve ever felt in my life xx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi ladies, I’ve not been on in a long time, it gets too much after a while, gets triggering which made me feel bad for not being here to help. I’ve now realised I was needing to help me more.
I left my oh a few years ago, at first I was dealing with it fairly well. Now with covid19 in stuck. He found out where I lived weeks after moving in. I’d been in refuge accommodation for (detail removed by Moderator), getting my own place was my time to move on and heal. It’s not happened. When I first saw him it was late at night. That scared me, made me so nervous. I’ve not been able to get him to leave me be. As you can see it’s 4.22 in the morning. I feel safer at night, there’s no chance of him coming by. I’ve realised that I remained ‘friends’ as it’s a case of keeping your enemies closer.
He’s recently done something which will hopefully involve the police, others have seen his abusive erratic behaviour, so in a way I feel validated. I’ve almost untangled ‘us’ financially. I do still plan on divorcing him. I just didn’t realise how hard this would be.
He’s no self respect, he knows how I feel, yet continues to be there. He’s in no way how I thought he’d be, he cries a lot, none of which registers with me. I am numb to him, yet I still can’t totally and finally finish things.
In the beginning of leaving I’d feel the strangest feelings. Need to see him, yet knowing he was bad for me. After seeing him, I felt better. Then I realised I was getting ‘a hit’ just like a drug addict. I stopped going to his, not once did I phone him or text him, but I also didn’t ignore him either.
Now as I said he knows where I live, so feel I can’t go no contact as since he knows where I live, he’d just drive down. I’m hoping this situation he’s got himself into will help me into cutting ties. I’m already having nightmares that I’m in court giving evidence against him.
Yet even through all of this I have hope, hope that one day I’ll not see him, won’t agonise at what he’s up to when I don’t hear from him, cos that’s worse than seeing him. At least I know how to be safe then. Not seeing him I have no idea what he’s thinking or doing.

Best wishes to all
IWMB 💞💞

[Watersprite]

Hello – I’m just here to agree the effects are massive kids insecure housing financial criminal justice system. And getting him out of my head- I’ve had good times lasting weeks and then it’s like the beginning and I’m frozen again and can’t shift it. Yes IWMB I can relate Im no contact have court orders but feel safer when I get to hear where hes at and what he’s up to not that I ever want him back but I feel I can assess the risk better – IDVA agrees but a friend has said it means I don’t move on and I just should. Who knows what have you all found? I guess it’s just part of the process and the gradual freeing and we need to keep remembering how far we have come x

[iliketea]

Agree, its exhausting. I recently listened back to some covert recordings I managed to make over the years. OMFG – I could not believe the way he spoke to me. When I listened to them my heart started racing and I then had a full on panic attack – the effect was instantaneous. BUT much much stronger than when I was IN the relationship. What I think that shows is that I had become so numb to the normality of his abuse that it just washed over in a way, and maybe that’s why i stayed so long at the detriment to my children. But no point looking back, only forward, I feel this has shown me how far I have really come as I can recognise subconsciously what abuse sounds and looks like. In the meantime, good days and bad days, good nights and bad nights, covid helps sometimes in that you can hide away and not face the world, on the good days I want it to disappear so I can get on with my life, make new friends, be a new person. Just waiting for the day I never have to have any (although its only very limited now) contact for child arrangements ever again. Then I will feel truly free. Sometimes I feel sad for the young confident woman I was, the wrong turns I made, all that he took from me, and wish I could go back there, full of hope and make a success of my life, instead of this, healing, constant healing and getting better. x

[Cecile]

Great post. Recovery is a long and complex thing. I feel like it’s just a few weeks since I left but it has been almost (detail removed by Moderator). Life with him was like a prison, and time dragged slowly in the miserable climate of his abuse. No one has said a single unkind thing to me since I left (apart from an abusive parent who I contacted in a moment of weakness). I have pretty much kept to myself, revelling in the peace of being alone, undisturbed and and not subjected to constant aggression. Able to make all my own daily choices. Feeling loved by my children. Feeling safe.
I always also feel very ashamed, profoundly ashamed, deeply full of self hate, for having stayed with him for so long, for not being able to see him properly.

[Watersprite]

Thank you for these posts x Cecile thank you it makes me feel not alone in feeling the same. It wasn’t us – it never was it was him all the time. We are getting there one step at a time x

[Iwantmeback]

Hello @iliketea, I too have recordings, haven’t been able to play them properly. I clicked on one by accident and like you, my reaction was so ott. Much worse than when I lived with him. I don’t trust him at all, for someone so vile to go to being helpful and no longer name calling doesn’t ring true with me. Says he doesn’t want to hurt me, he loves me. I can’t count how many times I’ve said if you really loved me you’d leave me alone. Telling someone you love them won’t make them love you back.
Best wishes
IWMB 💞💞

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