3rd January 2019 at 8:58 pm #69863
I have been making a list of the things that I do not miss about him being here. For instance, his hair on my pillows, his tobacco on the sides. And a list of the things I’m enjoying about him being gone. Such as….choosing what I want to make for dinner, putting what I want to on tv and being able to get dressed before 10:30 (because when he was here, it would be hell if I woke him before that!). And a list of the things that I hated about him being here…like I hated that he left tea on the sides and the brush on the window ledge. All practical, non emotional things. I’ve found it therapeutic and a little amusing! Positive steps x
3rd January 2019 at 11:30 pm #69876
Lists are good, I too find them therapeutic. Enjoy your peace and quiet.💜🥂
4th January 2019 at 12:39 am #69883AutumniqueParticipant
I love it Sci fi girl my list is… And this is the non abuse list..
Being able to wear pyjamas in bed
Being able to eat my dinner when I want and not having to eat it with him
Watching TV what I want
Staying in my pyjamas all day if its my day off work
Getting up what time I want
Being able to do my hobbies like knitting whenever I want not having to stop when he’s home
Talking to who I want.. The list is endless lol xx
4th January 2019 at 11:58 am #69908[email protected]Participant
It helps to read it over dosent it? I think this is a great post. It just goes to show the inner strength we have to go on. With that hope it will just get better 🙂 I think this is actually self love and respect xx I need to develop that for myself too. im just about to pick up the phone to arrange my counselling and to get some driving lessons. New year time to get started on the future! xx DIY
20th February 2019 at 7:23 pm #72792MommabearParticipant
I didn’t ever really think that:
– him insisting I didn’t wear pjs in bed
– him telling me my flip flops were disgusting and banning them
– him making me wait to eat (even though sometimes he got home at 8pm + or I didn’t even know what time he would get home
– him telling me what I should wear (because it was feminine)
is emotional abuse….
I’m still learning
20th February 2019 at 9:29 pm #72810
It’s astounding what’s been abusive once we see the signs. Gaslighting jumps out as clear as day now too. 😥
4th January 2019 at 4:25 pm #69930thepoppygirlParticipant
Great exercise! When I finally leave I will be able to:
-See friends and family whenever I want to.
– Sleep at night with ought being woken up in the middle of the night (because he ‘suddenly’ can’t find something I know he’s hidden, or because he wanted to check if I eaten)
– Own a furry pet.
– Go to gym/classes
– Eat what I want
-not deal with mountains of his mess
– have my money for me.
4th January 2019 at 5:40 pm #69934
I haven’t written a list down, but I do keep reminding myself of things that I enjoy now. We sit at the table again as a family for meals is one of the best things. My ex pushed my kids so far away that they wouldn’t eat with him, or he would cause such a drama at the table for my youngest that he would cry so my ex would go and eat upstairs. He would complain about everything, like my child wasn’t eating correctly with his knife and fork, or he hadn’t eaten his food (even though he had a full meal at school). Always such a drama over nothing.
I’m truly enjoying the company of my kids again. Watching tv with them rather than sitting in the kitchen or bedroom with him. Having a bath and not being told I’m dirty when I get out because iv been sitting in my own dirt in the bath??
Being able to have a glass of wine without being worried if I open a bottle it’s giving him a free ticket to binge drink.
It’s the small things. List are uplifting! Great post x
4th January 2019 at 5:43 pm #69935
I just wanted to add… he used to constantly tell me I was dirty having a bath every evening. He had a shower in the morning and that apparently made him cleaner. He has a physical job and it was always ok for him to come home, not shower and get into my crisp clean white sheets Stinking like a sewer rat! Make me laugh now honestly.
One rule for me… and a totally different set of rules for him
4th January 2019 at 6:20 pm #69938
Hi Popilol, I totally get the one rule thingy.
My oh was fastidious about cleanliness when we first got together, not so great at brushing his teeth🤮. he never gets a shower in the morning , can go days without a bath too yet expected me to do oral🤮 yet he doesn’t think twice about chastising me for not bathing. I can’t stand the cold, never have. I can’t shower in the freezing cold but will have a bath instead. I have to admit to not having the wherewithal to bathe in the early days of recognising who I was living with, but I would at least top and tail🙂 I’m getting better, some days I’ll even have 2 baths.
4th January 2019 at 6:50 pm #69944
My ex was weird like that too! Moaned about the smell of my washing (which he never bothered to do) but would then wear the same T-shirt for 2 or 3 days and his jeans for weeks! Gross! They’re unreal aren’t they?!? Xx
4th January 2019 at 7:45 pm #69952
Just can’t understand their logic. Why is it ok to shower once a day before going to work, and get in a clean bed all stinking… yet it’s not ok to have a bath and climb into clean sheets? He used to say that we get dirty in our sleep. Seriously?? What dirtier than doing a manual job for 8 hours in the heat??
4th January 2019 at 10:51 pm #69969
I imagine their logic to go something like this…..“this is what I think, how I feel and what I want, it does not matter if it’s based in reality because I’m never wrong….so therefore it is the correct way to be and live and anyone else is completely wrong and stupid for imagining anything different to me and will be told so in the most demeaning possible way if they dare to disagree!!!” Somehow i imagine them like a toddler that never passed that stage of progression. Just a shame their bodies did because they wouldn’t be anywhere near as frightening then….🙄😩 xx
4th January 2019 at 10:53 pm #69970
Oh and also “it doesn’t matter if I follow my own rules as I make them and am therefore exempt!” Xx
(May have a little anger brewing in me tonight 😳)
4th January 2019 at 10:54 pm #69971
Ha! A list of the double standard rules!! Gonna start that tomorrow!! 😂
4th January 2019 at 11:04 pm #69972
Double standards rules sounds like a good idea. Also how the goal posts change sometimes daily ALWAYS weekly
4th January 2019 at 11:18 pm #69975
Oh yes! Can never do anything right! Can’t say anything right. If I was quiet, I had something to hide, was moody… if I spoke, he’d get angry cos whatever I said was wrong.
He’d have no money and moan for hours about how skint I had made him (even though I earn more than him and paid all the bills) the next minute it was ‘let’s buy a new tv, redecorate, but a new gadget’. He’d spend hundreds on himself every month, yet it was my fault when he had no money.
List of things I love about my new life…. being right! Being able to speak! Being able to not speak! Being able to buy what I want and not have to give a reason! Not being made feel guilty when I have done nothing wrong!
4th January 2019 at 11:43 pm #69978
You know that actually feels so good to write down! I am going to make post it notes! Positive things about my new life! And post them around my house! He’d hate that, it would be untidy. When I have a blip I can read them and remind myself of me!!
4th January 2019 at 11:45 pm #69979LozzyXParticipant
Love this post!
I haven’t left my husband yet but my gosh this has now got me dreaming of all the things I won’t miss and can enjoy again when I hopefully do finally build up the strength to leave …
Having money to save and spend on whatever I want
Go on holiday
Eat junk or treat food when I want to and refuse when o don’t fancy it
Buy chocolates and treats and know they won’t all get eaten by him in one night as he apparently has no self control
I won’t miss :
Constantly checking around the house for drug paraphernalia and watching his behaviour to see signs of relapse
His disgusting mess including in the bathroom and whole house which I end up clearing up
Having to drive him around to work and anywhere he needs to be as he doesn’t fancy learning to drive and public transport is apparently not reliable enough (yet I get public transport to my own work as too expensive to park near work )
Constantly having to prep his meals including an excessive amount of meat usually for days ahead (I am veggie and cannot stand the smell of raw or cooked meat)… To which lately he then doesn’t eat anyway leaving it to go rancid, so my heart breaks for animals that have needlessly been sacrificed 🙁
Sitting in silence and the freezing cold on my days off as he needs to sleep and hates it when heating on
7th January 2019 at 9:50 am #70201EbonyRavenParticipant
I won’t miss having to go and hide my bank card and car keys in random separate places when I get in from work every day, so he doesn’t sneak off with them in the middle of the night.
Having the TV or stereo on at an acceptable volume, when I do actually want it on.
Not having to wear headphones in my own lounge in the evening so I don’t hear him flirting with his next victim.
Not having to wear headphones in my own lounge in the evening so I don’t have to listen to the endless repetitive noise of some game or other at top volume, and can actually hear my own music etc.
Only having to go to the glass recycling now and again, because I’ll only have my own sauce jars to take. No spirits bottles lying around empty and ignored.
Being able to write something, on the laptop, or with a pen without feeling the eyes trying to look over and see what I’m doing, or getting the ‘what are you doing’ questioning.
Haha this would be such a long list if I carried on…..
7th January 2019 at 10:36 am #70202
Here’s a start to my pathetic list., that in a loving relationship you wouldn’t mind doing most of it.
I wouldn’t have to get up and make tea or coffee and something to eat at every ad break.
I wouldn’t have to put out his tablets cos he didn’t know which ones are which.
I wouldn’t need to put his prescription in and pick it up, cos he’s not got time.
I wouldn’t have to buy crisps, ginger(pop) or Ice cream every few days.
I wouldn’t have to empty down the side of the couch for empty crisp bags or biscuit wrappers.
I wouldn’t have to pick up dirty cups and plates every morning, unless I wanted to.
I wouldn’t have to throw as much food out as he no longer likes said food anymore.
I wouldn’t have to sit in his clutter anymore,I could throw stuff out, recycle more.
I could hoover when I wanted, I could dust without worrying if I’ve put his stuff back in the right place. I could leave internal doors open or closed if I wanted to
Told you this was a pathetic list🤣
I could decorate when it needed it not when he decides, cos what I do is always wrong and my taste is in my a..e.
I could light my candles without fear of his moaning he doesnt like the smell, I might even remember to put them out too.
I could visit my daughter, see my Son, do things with my grandson, stay longer in at my parents, just be there for them ALL, more.
I could just breathe.
7th January 2019 at 1:22 pm #70210
Iwantmeback….the food thing? Totally done that so many times! I’ll eat whatever you want he’d say and get such and such from shopping but then he’d just eat sausage and chips every day! I love eating pasta and rice again 😁 And the candles…..he’d say they were toxic, set his asthma off….though he could smoke w**d all day, drink half a bottle of vodka at night and stick cocaine up his nostrils when he had chance!! 🙄 First thing I went and bought when we broke up….😝 to him!! xx
7th January 2019 at 3:02 pm #70217FrankfurterParticipant
This is a good game, it’s very therapeutic.
* Being able to sing in the house.
* Going to bed whenever I d**n well please.
* Hugging my children.
* Setting appropriate rules and consequences for my children.
* Turning off my phone and the TV.
I don’t miss:
* Old beer cans full of cigarette butts. 😫
* Not knowing the rules.
* The excuses people made to avoid coming over.
* Trousers abandoned on the hallway floor.
7th January 2019 at 3:57 pm #70230
Not knowing the rules, that’s a biggy right there, 💕💕
20th February 2019 at 9:19 pm #72804LandyParticipant
Not having to go to work stinking of cigarettes
Not having to work all day and come home to an absolute tip
Being able to spend my money on me. He’s unemployed.
Being able to have friends and family round
Being able to eat what I want
Not being insulted
Not being threatened
Not being worried he’ll start a ruck with the neighbours
Not having to hear him moaning about EVERYONE
Being free to have the house – MY HOUSE – how I like it
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