Living in Lockdown Hell – share experiences & support here

[iliketea]

Hi, is anyone living in Lockdown Hell with abuser and children? I was getting an exit plan in place but lockdown stopped it happening when I planned. I was wondering if anyone is in the same situation, got to hold it together for a while longer but now living with 100x worse than it was before. We could share experiences and give each other support? Would that help anyone? I definitely need some support, counselling has stopped, IDVA is too busy says can only text. I can’t talk to any support services on the phone during the day as have to look after kids, can’t take them out and talk as they will hear what I’m talking about. I did manage to escape and speak to police the other day as didn’t know where to turn and thought there might be something new with all the government talk of helping domestic abuse. Nothing has really changed, not yet anyway. Thought maybe there was something to help get perpetrators out of the home, if it’s “only” emotional/psychological there’s nothing new unfortunately, she said. Could get him out for 28 days but then he’d probably just be able to return.

What it is like here:
– Not allowed to make any plans or set up routine for children – if i do, he changes it, ignores it. They aren’t coping well with the chaos. He’s picking on one all the time too.
– He eats separately to us as says my food is disgusting, makes something different.
– Says I’m a bad parent – all the time.
– Some days doesn’t even get up.
– He’s not working but not helping with children either.
– I feel like a domestic slave – doing all the cooking and cleaning.
– Not allowed any time off to myself, he is, whenever he likes just goes off, who knows where.
– Tells me to F off in front of children all the time now.
– Accuses me of arguing or challenging him if I ask a question about something. Basically not allowed to speak.
– Drinking much more, starts at midday.
– I’m exhausted, mentally and physically. I do get out and do exercise when they are all sleeping but that is my only headspace and freedom.
Feel so trapped.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Iliketea, this is the reason I came back onto the forum, couldn’t bear to think of all the ladies still stuck with abusers due to lockdown. He’s separating one child, making them a scapegoat, watch out the others don’t start picking on them too. Think of Lord of the flies.
Anyway you can make any boundaries, no matter how small? You do know he’s projecting who he is onto you. Replace everything you’ve written with I(referring to him)keep repeating its not me, I’m a good mum, I’m a good cook.
28 days Is plenty of time to get some breathing space,by then lockdown should be getting lifted more. get something put in place to prevent him returning.
Do you rent or own your home. Landlords have a duty of care fir tenants experiencing DA/DV too. Breathing space are good to talk to, as are the Samaritans.
You are in a never ending cycle just now. But you’ve contacted the police once, doing so again and again will flag up there’s a real problem at your address.
Don’t talk to him unless you really can’t help it, let your children know this behaviour won’t be tolerated. Try and get them to look out for their sibling who’s being picked on. It’s a huge ask, something not to be entered lightly as they may grow up thinking they’re responsible for everyone. My daughter is like that,tried to protect her wee brother, now thinks she’s to be there fir everyone. Took on my role🙄
This will pass, one day you will be free of him.
You may be trapped just now, but your mind is free to take you somewhere anywhere you want to go.
Love and strength IWMB 💞💞

[KIP.]

Get him out for the 28 days and get some breathing space and time for your headspace to clear and get a civil order in place to prevent him returning.
Jump at that chance if it’s there. You won’t regret it x

[iliketea]

Thanks IWMB and KIP. I’m scared of doing something in a panic and that he will be let back. Solicitor working on it at the moment. Just not sure if its the right time. Such a risk in lockdown as there’s nowhere to go to whilst court working it out. Will court be extra slow as less working, and more issues? Will they be lenient on him because now he’s home full time he could pretend he’s doing childcare. I’ve just realised he’s trying to spend a lot of time with the younger one, almost alienating from me. I overheard him talking to someone about me on the phone and it really scared me. Sounded like a different person, telling a pack of lies and being really horrible about me. Ideally I want him to go but Im not on the deeds of house, even though invested a lot over time.
Also, scared because police said that they had never had a conviction in our area for controlling behaviour and coercive control, solicitor said that I am on the very edge of it anyway, and that its hard to prove. They both said if I had bruises it would be so much easier. They said they believe me but court might not. Guess they were being honest. He’s so clever. He’s really mean and twisted and hiding it from everyone. Its really serious psychological abuse, has anyone experienced just this? Without the forced sex and violence? Hes not interested in sex with me at all, that stopped after a short time, he’s slept elsewhere for years. Solicitor even said that could tell the court that we are already not a couple so he could be allowed to stay in the home!!

[Iwantmeback]

Not having sexual relations will actually go against him as he’s really living there as a lodger all be it one who’s house is in their name and he’s children’s father.
One day abusers will be forced out of family home, so women and children don’t go through any more trauma than they already are. Even if your names not on the deeds, you have a family together, you’ve built up this home together, that’s cohabiting even if not married. These men play this card time and time again. Yes sounds as if he’s alienating your child, filling their head with vile garbage. Is there any way you could record him, only do if safe to do so. It was getting his voice, filled with rage and the vile things he said that kept me focused on leaving. In a normal relationship we wouldn’t think twice about ending a relationship. The fact that it scares you shows its abusive. There are guidelines that courts and lawyers use to determine abuse, particularly coercive, psychological. Do you walk on eggshells, do you find you can’t do right fir doing wrong, does he shout at you, Call you vile names, does he tower over you,finger pointing right in your face. Does he undermine you, your parenting, your cooking, housekeeping skills. Does he body shame you. Does he give you the silent treatment? Di you get to be edith friends ird family, if so do you feel you cant stay long, does he go everywhere with you, time you if you go out. You really don’t need a reason to end this relationship if you caen answer yes to any of these questions. There’s many more questions I could ask but you get the idea. Does he make you feel safe, loved, cherished.
Stay strong, you can do this.
IWMB 💞💞

[iliketea]

Yes to all of them except the following me. He doesnt have any interest in me at all. I was ill a while ago, and he never asked if I was ok. Had to look after myself.

[Iwantmeback]

Well I’m asking,are you okay now?, do you feel stronger?
Don’t think he’s not interested, he is,but not in an healthy way, in a way that feeds his needs and desires not yours.
Keep taking those baby steps
IWMB 💞💞

[iliketea]

Thank you IWMB, thanks, no, feel like the life is being sucked out of me, can’t seem to bounce back like normal.
Thanks for asking!
x

[Iwantmeback]

It’s nice to be nice at the end of the day. I used to be fascinated with vampires, now I see that he was an emotional vampire, sucked the life out of me😔 some days it just takes longer to bounce back.
💞💞

[KillingMeSlowly]

I am also living this.

This is my first post. It is very difficult for me to post on here or get any help as my other half controls my access to my phone and computer. He takes it away from me for periods of time from hours to days. He also pays my phone bill so I cannot call anyone privatelu. It has been like this for a long time (a few years).

Things are much worse since lockdown. It is the violence that seems to be even worse than before. I have had (removed by moderator) weeks of severe physical and emotional abuse interspersed with very small periods of niceness and almost normality. I live in constant fear and am treading on eggshells. He is so unpredictable that it is impossible for me to prevent being abused by behaving myself in the way that he wants. I constantly find myself in a lose-lose situation.

A lot of the time it is as if he sets me up for those lose-lose situations. Since enduring so much abuse (especially the physical stuff), I find that I cannot remember events well and also become very confused and tangled up in his words so that it is as if I am terribly thick… this gets me punished as I can’t focus well when he is ranting and shouting at me about all the things I have done or am doing wrong.

I also find it very difficult to document anything but I am trying now even if it is on hidden scraps of paper.

Usually, I cope by going out to toddler play sessions, shopping and to stay at relatives for periods of time (just visits not fleeing). Anything to get out of the house… At the moment my only relief is when he lets me out to go to the local shops for food. This is my worst nightmare. I cannot explain enough how terrifying it is to be caged in a house with your abuser like a prison cell… he already controlled my ability to leave the home but now I don’t even have valid excuses to get out of the house.

[Cecile]

I am so glad you have been able to bravely post on here. Your situation sounds so terrifying and my heart goes out to you. It sounds like you are in an escalating situation…do you feel the risks are increasing? So brave to keep recording. It is absolutely so important that you get police help. Is it possible to ring and ask to speak to their DV officer? Report a crime of domestic violence against you? He is using coercive control, from your description. This lockdown is a hell for women in your situation. It seems that your brain is switching off your memory as he abuses you, this is a defensive thing that brains do. No one should have to live with abuse and violence and you urgently need help. Could you buy a little PAYG phone, from a supermarket and keep it hidden in the first instance to give you a means to contact t the police/womens aid for immediate help?

[KillingMeSlowly]

It was my intention to get a PAYG phone before this Covid-19 situation started but I never had the spare money or opportunity to do so. Unfortunately, the supermarkets by me are too small to sell them.

I am very scared to get any agencies involved as he has made recurrent threats to ensure that our child is taken by social services. That is my biggest fear.

He also has made a number of other threats. I feel the seriousness enough in terms of his past and what he says to believe that he would do something.

My thought for some time has been around going into a refuge. I don’t really want to but I just think it would be the safest option for us. Not at the moment but in the future.

I would need to leave rather than try to get him to leave. The property is very unsafe as it only has one entry. Because of this and what he has said… If anyone of authority came he would do something to me and the child before they could gain entry.

I am concerned what kind of information is needed to go into a refuge. Does it automatically involve the police? Do social services always get involved if you have a child?

I don’t think the intensity is worse – probably the same as it has been at its worst but I don’t think my physical body can take much more at times. My brain seems to be suffering more and more cognitively and like you said going into a trauma state or something so that I cannot remember how I even got injuries or bruises exactly. I just know it was from him. Sometimes I even managed to ask him later and he tells me. I think it feels worse as my usual suport network is gone. Friends who look out for me and family who know I need a break from my life there are not able to help me due to the virus.

I am suffering an intense anxiety plus a lot of flight or fight where I am so nervous of what is coming… I don’t behave rationally and make a lot of mistakes which makes things worse as he has a very short temper. I am controlled in how I do everything pretty much from calling a company on the phone through to how I clean or cook. I rarely do any these things to his standards. I am supervised and monitored constantly by him when doing simple tasks.

I dread waking up each day because I don’t know what kind of mood he will be in and pretty much every day he turns on me fairly quickly for having done something wrong or that he dislikes or not having done something I should have.

[Lisa]

Hi KillingMeSlowly,

Along with the other information and links for help I’ve recently sent, perhaps reading about what a Refuge is and how it works would be useful as well: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/what-is-a-refuge-and-how-can-i-stay-in-one/.
Take care,

Lisa

[KillingMeSlowly]

Thank you Lisa. I am managing to read it now.

[Iwantmeback]

Refuge is all that and more. I always thought my needs weren’t important, that others were more deserving especially mums with children. But WA are there for every single one of us, each of us are important in oor own rights. I remember making mistakes constantly, couldn’t do right for doing wrong. Ìm in refuge now, i make mistakes but who doesn’t. Let those who can help you, reach out you deserve it.
IWMB 💞💞

[Goingmad]

I’m back, lockdown is getting to me too! Everything has ground to a halt, I’d got so our house on the market, de cluttered ,adult children sorted but now I sit and wait. Halfway through divorce procedure which is draining all my money as we go back and forth on tiny points, another game. 7 weeks of this now I just feel sick and exhausted and wonder how much longer before he finally snaps!church is closed so can’t even hide out there as normal! Luckily he doesn’t interfere too much we live pretty separate lives and rooms but it’s the isolation and fear lurking and family silence because I’m divorcing which is so hard.

[Author]

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