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    • #102074
      Rubymurray
      Participant

      First ever post- I’ve known I want & need to separate for about 5 months plus.

      Together over a decade, he’s not physically hurt me, but in recent months he’s become more intimidating esp when I challenge him or don’t agree with him,
      He has thrown couple of light objects & a medium heavy object towards me in aggressive manner. He is very very passive aggressive. Subtle & covert controlling undermining, intimidating, crazy maker….. (there’s nothing wrong with what I’m doing, you’re the one wth problem kind if way…..). getting a reaction out of me then turning it around.

      His mask has fallen right off with me a lot lately, but it’s constantly on & off.
      never taking accountability, mumbling words… then insisting ‘I told you…  or it’s not my fault you didn’t hear me,

      -denying/minimalising his own bad behaviour but always turning it on me & focusing on any of my flaws and deflecting away from him, derailing. I regularly hear, oh but it’s ok for you to do this or what about when you said this…’ always turning it on me 

      Very aggressive when criticized, irrational & way over the top. Rapid mood swings, sudden anger/aggression, great fear of being abandoned or losing an inflated self image, can be extremely charming, persuasive, exciting as well as self absorbed, lack empathy but will not agree with this ever.

      With advice I’ve swayed from looking at renting with my little one back to me trying to stay in the family home & spouse leave. It’s less easy for me to find somewhere, currently not working & I’m main carergiver to child, spouse brings main income but also has control over main income & savings.
      My next thought was to get him to leave joint home/mortgage (I’ve gained extra financial advice calculation on me taking on outgoings) but I feel he’ll refuse to leave, stating no where to go & why should he etc… my advice says very rare for courts to grant occupation orders esp if no where to stay.
      My latest advice of a way out…. telling him I want to separate & ultimately divorce, & we both stay living there, separate rooms etc…but I am extra anxious this would be awful & the most toxic for me & little one, but what choice do I have ?? I’m trying to do my best for us 2 to stay in the family home with new school starting too & my access to legal aid for divorce.

      Any help, advice,tips warmth welcome please.

      Ps. Non of this will be done whilst social distancing restriction so strict, as desperate as I feel I know it will be worse if I couldn’t go anywhere and no schools open etc. BUT I want to plan as much as poss to know what to do when Covid 19 restrictions are relaxed more

    • #102100
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Rubymurray

      Welcome to the forum! Sorry to hear about your situation. Your partner is very controlling, his anger and aggression towards you is very concerning.

      It doesn’t sounds like a safe situation for you or your child to be living and unfortunately it’s not very likely that the situation will get better while you are living together. It sounds like you may have already had some legal advice but Rights of women can offer free legal advice on their helpline and have lots of useful information on their website: https://rightsofwomen.org.uk/ It may be worth speaking to them and getting legal advice around the mortgage and divorce.

      If you haven’t already, you could also get in touch with your local domestic abuse service which can be found here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

      Take care and please keep posting to let us know how you are doing,

      Lisa

    • #102102
      iliketea
      Participant

      I could have written everything you have written, so sorry that someone else is going through this. I can totally understand everything you have written and going through, it is a nightmare, especially now when it is so much more intense without having time off, or time away, and other people to dilute it. As you are the main caregiver you will be given priority if you apply for an Occupation Order and Non-molestation order on the grounds of the effect on your child. Its a section 1 claim. Go to your GP and tell them everything. They will believe you. They will help you. Ask for a referral to your local domestic abuse service, you will be given an IDVA. They will do an assessment and from what you’ve said about the throwing objects, you will be categorised as high risk. As horrible as this all sounds, it is the evidence that is needed as otherwise it would be t*t-for-tat. It doesn’t have to be a criminal conviction – its fairly rare still to get a conviction unfortunately (police told me that last week), but it goes through the family court. You might have to have somewhere to go for 7 days whilst it gets to court, and then if he doesnt agree, it;ll be another 3 weeks max, so you might have to stay elsewhere for your own safety during that time too. Unless he agrees to go somewhere else. You have rights, lots of rights. Keep posting, and most of all, get sleep, do as much research as you can, cover your tracks if he checks up on you, computer history etc, and start thinking about what you might need if you had to leave quickly, maybe put some things in a bag, bit like when you have a baby, get ready, few things put to one side, just in case, passports, bank cards, charger, anything special, children’s things. Stay strong, it’ll be ok. xx

      • #102175
        Rubymurray
        Participant

        Thank you Lisa & iliketea.

        I really appreciate your reply.

      • #102246
        Rubymurray
        Participant

        iliketea – I have dm you.

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