Living with difficult partner and having children

[Anonymous]

I feel so helpless at the moment , I have done for a long time, I just can’t seem to be able to figure out how to get out of this situation.
I need to leave for my kids sake, they must pick up on everything, on their dad not speaking to their mum for days on end, on the tension in the house all the time .. even though he’s not abusive to them and I do my best to make things as nice and normal for them as I can it must impact them still, I know it does . I hate the thought that them living in this miserable family environment is going to affect them later in life, they love their dad and if we split up they’d be devastated but I know in the long run a happier mum would be best for them. It’s just not that simple though, he will just just ramp up the nastiness towards me & use the kids as a way to continue to make my life hard even if I did manage to somehow move away from him (which I can’t anyway as I have no where for us to go) it’s just the sheer helplessness of the situation, all I want is for my children to have a happy mum and a good childhood. I feel I can’t ever be fully present with my kids at the moment although I try my best, because of the constant anxiety I’m under living with a man who makes me feel so unhappy . I don’t know what to do or how to do it X

[BananaPancakes-]

I haven’t got any advice but want you to know I’m in a similar situation. I told him I wanted to break up and he’s just proving how impossible it feels. I’m fighting against every bone in my body that says just give up right now. 2 kids. I just don’t want them thinking all this is normal 🙁

[Bananaboat]

Oh ladies, I’m in the same boat too but we’ll get there. The more I research and learn, the stronger I feel and more glimmers of hope for a better future. If you haven’t read ‘why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft then I’d recommend it, there’s a chapter in there about children and how dv affects them. I used to think it was just being aimed at me but this book helped me see the more subtle ways he’s also controlling/abusing them, and until I can leave gives me insight into ways to protect them. Just by being here and recognising your situation is a step further forward than you were. Lots of others will give great advice and resources too

[KIP.]

Please contact your local women’s aid. There’s lots of advice and information out there and you have time to get all your ducks in a row. To make plans, talk to solicitors, gather evidence against him. Know your enemy and plan your safe escape well in advance and you can definitely minimise any retaliation he may try while protecting the kids from his behaviour too.

[Gazebo]

Hope everyone is doing OK- I’ve actually this week actually told my husband exactly how I feel that i don’t want to have sex anymore and how i can’t tell him I love him…I wasn’t expecting to have this conversation so soon but he sent me a horrible message because I’d said no to sex the night before so I thought this is my one opportunity to fight back…he’s not happy and said I can’t split our family up threatened if we did he’s taken one of the children! The part I hate is I felt so close to feeling we were splitting up and now he’s sending me tons of links to marriage counselling and getting us closer together again…I feel like he’s going to win again I’ll get ground down and give in and everything I said will be for nothing:-( xx

[nbumblebee]

Hey, so another one here too.
I have older kids 2 adults and one a teen. Im going to be really really honest here, ive only seen my husbands nastiness this past year ive been married decades and never saw never realised until now. Ive believed that my kids have never been affected by his moods his shouting his nastiness etc ive always protected them 100% from him. But they see they hear they knkw so much more than we want to believe, my heart is well and truely broken knkwing ive done this to my kids, my oldest has told me he sees a counsellor due to anxiety and my middle one has really bad anxiety with social situations thats my fault i didnt leave i havent left and I brought them up pretty much on my own as he believes its a womans job to raise kids.
My kids are amazing the 4 of us are so very close but due to me allowing my husband to treat me bad for so long they have suffered.
Dont pretend to yourselves that they dont see or hear because they do and I know I really do know that you believe you are protecting them by staying but i dont think you are We are.
If i could have my time again id have gotten out so much sooner whilst my kids were young yes it would hurt for a while yes they will suffer but it will be short lived they will see their mum building a new life a new happier life safe strong thats so much better than them slowly watching their mum being beaten verbally or pysically into the ground. I will always regret my choice to stay always.
Reach out get some advice on your rights arm yourself with knowledge and support then go, get out with your kids and go live a better life.
No its not easy what do I know im still here but dont make my mistake. Sending you hugs x*x

[Rollercoaster]

Nbumblebee is correct, the children are being abused. The abuser doesn’t love them and care for them, he uses them as his tool to get at his main victim.

I speak from experience and someone that was convinced my abusive ex was a wonderful loving father. More than a decade on since separation our children are beginning to open up and share the abuse they have experienced that I was naive to think wasn’t happening. It is tragic and now, just as I used to long for him to actually punch me to finalise things, the children are at a simar point.

But he never will will he….because he is a master manipulator and coercive control.

A person who loves their children would not recommend splitting them up to meet the parents needs.

[Eyesopening]

Well said Nbumblebee,
I want to add I grew up in a home with an angry and controlling Dad. Not sure if he is technically abusive. But the anger and moods were enough to pretty much ruin atleast half my life. Lets hope the other half is better but I have so much work to do on myself due to my childhood it’s hard to see how things can get much better!
But atleast I got out of the abusive relationship I was in, which is directly related to growing up in an abusive home. Either the children grow up to be abused or become abusers themselves.
He also never directed abuse to the kids, but we witnessed everything, no matter how subtle, no matter how much our mum ‘pretended’ everything was fine. Kids see far much more then some adults seem to realise.
Womens Aid and your local DA services can help you with a plan to be free. Nothing is more important then to get away from these evil men.
x*x

[Pinkpearl]

I am also in the same position. Living with my partner is really tough at the moment. But it is t always tough. Sometimes it is really good and that’s why it is so hard to leave. I worry about my children too. I am sure you are doing the best you can and your children will always know to live and support them. That goes a long way.

[Author]

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