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I’m sorry I know I shouldn’t start a new post when I started another one earlier. I just don’t know what to do.
I’m so scared he’s going to be arrested tonight or tomorrow and I don’t want to deal with that alone.
I spoke to the national helpline earlier today and got someone so nice and understanding. They told me to contact my local WA to ask for an outreach worker. I didn’t have the courage to reach out for help again for ages because things went wrong last time I tried through my doctor.
I got to their drop in session later than planned. They were closing in about 15 minutes but there was another lady there just arriving. She was actually really nice. It’s the first time I’ve spoken to someone else going through this. I wish the workers were as understanding as her. We were both seen by different workers in different rooms.
The lady I saw said she had to go in 10 minutes (the other lady was seen by someone else who was less rushed and seemed nicer) so I understand there wasn’t much time but she seemed completely unbothered by my situation or fear. She just sort of shrugged and said I should go to housing options at the council or a refuge. She didn’t suggest an outreach worker or ask to do a risk assessment.
I mainly wanted to know if the police would arrest him on the neighbours report without even speaking to me. She told me she had no idea as she wasn’t the police. I thought WA would have an idea of how things worked. The drop-in centre has police there although they’d already gone home.
She didn’t seem to care how scared I felt. told her I’d tried them in the past and they wouldn’t help. There’s a lot of housing demand in my area. I told her I wasn’t ready and needed support from an outreach worker. She didn’t seem to want to offer me one but told me to ring next week.
She’s really put me off asking for help. It took a lot to reach out for help and I feel there isn’t any. I don’t want to go back to my local WA if they’re like her.
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You sound so frightened, bluedolphin and it’s really hard when you don’t feel as though you are being properly listened to. Please keep trying. We can’t know what’s going on in someone else’s mind. Whatever it is, is not your fault. Sometimes we just don’t click with someone, other times, they may be rushing off with something on their mind.
Can the police fill you in at all? I went to see them today and another DASH assessment. I felt that I was just going round in circles. I was just going round in circles.
Please remember that everyone is different. Keep going back and please keep on asking for help.
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Hello bluedolphin
If you are involved with police they should be able to refer you direct to local WA and hopefully get you a key worker.
My first contact with local WA was good but a bit like you I felt i needed more sign posting and direction and maybe a bit of a verbal hug. I didn’t get it and felt the person who phoned me was a bit brusque but she was helpful in a practical way.
I then had to go to police again and domestic abuse team formally referred me back to WA. I then had a named worker fisit me for about 8 weeks who was such a great source of support and down to earth advice we then had a couple of phone contacts until she felt I was in a safer position.
Have a chat with police DA team and see what they can do xx -
Thanks for the replies. It feels good being able to post here and get out some thoughts and feelings if nothing else.
Maddog, I’m sorry you also seem to be facing frustrating attempts with getting the right help. Round and round in circles feels familiar although I think it might be partly me doing that because I’m still scared of taking final steps.
White Rose, I just don’t feel ready for police involvement. They’d been involved but I always tell them nothing happened. If at all possible I want to leave without their involvement. I don’t feel I can cope with that. I’m just worried it will be out of my hands now because I think the neighbours have reported it to the police. They have threatened to, and today the police turned up at the neighbours flat. It could be unrelated but I can’t help thinking it is related.
I’m driving myself mad stressing so hoping things will feel clearer after a sleep. I don’t know where to turn right now. I’ve spoken a few times with a neighbouring local service but it was anonymously and they have been so helpful but I think they’re losing patience with me unless I give my details. I don’t feel able to do a risk assessment and give my details with them because I’ve told them too much. They mentioned MARAC and I don’t want that. They also said they might not actually cover my area but they can’t tell me for sure until I give details and their manager makes a decision.
My local area doesn’t seem well-funded for domestic abuse support. After today’s bad experience with my local WA, I looked at their website and it was sparse. Looks like they don’t really do much in terms of outreach except to signpost you to housing or police or go to court with you. Nothing about helping you sort out a planned leaving. I then decided to check the WA where a friend lives. Going by their website they offer what I need. Emotional support, someone to help me get through what I need to do, if it’s a refuge or whatever else.
I don’t understand how it works really. If I go to refuge they’ve said I have to leave my area so I don’t know if I can try to speak to another WA out of my area.
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Hi Bluedolphin,
I can relate, I got an outreach worker who was great at first but after a while seemed to get quite annoyed and impatient with me and it left me feeling like I was the problem. My advice would be to go back another day and ask if you can speak to the lady who seemed nicer. If you’re similar to me it sounds like you respond better to warm, kind people and that’s ok, it is worth seeking out the right person even though I totally know how awful it can feel especially as it’s hard enough going along to things in the first place. This past year I have met several lovely kind helpful people on my recovery path but also some terrible ones too such as a counsellor who said she didn’t believe me. Like you I just have to remember that it is not a reflection on me, some people are just blunt and rude and untrained and we just have to keep going and seeking out the good kind souls, they are out there.
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Also, have a look for women’s charities in your area. I am currently attending a support group run by one in my area and so far they have been great, so this could be an option for you too if the local women’s aid doesn’t seem to be funded much (but definitely try them again as well as seeking out related charities, the more help the better).
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I can relate also. After been part of a couple whose abuser was the dominant aggressive type I am really struggling with the practical things such as how to prioritise in order of urgency. I really have forgotten how to function as a single person because my life was literally taken over by this man and he bled me dry of everything. I can see why so many people choose to end their lives or just go missing. It’s a devastation like nothing I have ever felt before. I have no experience of relationships at all so don’t even have anything to compare it to. Everyone I have reached out to for help or advice has said they do not deal with these kind of issues. I’m meant to start a college course and have nothing to eat in the house let alone for when I am out and nobody can help. I cannot even get a payday loan to see me to the end of the month because my ex ran up debt in my name without my knowledge or consent he too loans out and got things on finance and I have no rights to remedy this according to the police and other “experts” I’m at a complete loss of where to turn for help now
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GoodSamaritan. Things sound awful for you. I’m so sorry. It feels so hopeless sometimes doesn’t it. I sometimes think it’s me not reaching out for help the right way, but suspect it’s lack of funding and postcode lottery as to whether your local support is decent or not. It sounds like you’ve been badly let-down too. I have no money of my own and that is another way he has control.
Could you go to your GP for an emergency appointment today? Mine knows about my situation. I find it humiliating and feel ashamed everytime I go there but I know I shouldn’t and nor should you because it’s not our fault. I think the doctor can refer you to food bank. Maybe the college has an advice service that could also help you? They may be able to refer you somewhere or give you an emergency grant or loan.
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SunshineRainflower, thanks. I’m sorry you’ve had similar problems. I’m shocked a counsellor actually told you they didn’t believe you. Some are obviously really poorly trained. The last time I tried CBT (not for abuse because I hadn’t told the doctors at that stage) they were pretty useless. I’m glad you’ve found some support now with the local charity.
Yes, that’s exactly it. She was the opposite of warm and kind. She initially told me I was too late, but the other worker there overheard and said they were willing to stay. I was going to be seen by them, but then the other lady looking for help turned up. I guess the abrupt woman felt shamed into staying a bit later (because her colleague was) and resented it. I ended up getting her instead of the nice one. She didn’t give me her name so I can’t even call up and ask to speak to someone else.
It’s my own fault for getting there late but they’ve just recently changed their closing time. Also I almost couldn’t bring myself to walk in there. I felt so scared about making it real. I’d actually gone there a month ago but couldn’t bring myself to walk in. I would have been ok if she’d just said she was in a rush but offered to call me or meet up with me today. She didn’t mention a risk assessment and seemed really annoyed when I asked for an outreach worker. Also don’t understand why she told me to call next week instead of today because they are open to call today. She abruptedly just said if it’s domestic abuse, just go to the council or call a refuge. Didn’t seem bothered when I said I felt I needed support to do that. I don’t get the point of the drop-in or the local WA if that’s all they do. Just tell you to deal with it on your own.
I now feel lost again. I don’t know where to turn or who to trust now. I can’t trust the doctors because they have this adult safeguarding concern so I suspect they’ll call the police or social services if I tell them anything more about the abuse. The doctor seems convinced I need a mental health assessment. Me having mental capacity is all that’s saving me from being forced. As if I’m not having enough control taken away at the moment by him. This is playing into his hands because he’s been saying for ages that he’ll get me sectioned. I looked up what they wanted to me to get help for. They think it’s anxiety disorder (I’ve tried to explain it is stress from what he’s putting me through and I would benefit more from dv support but they don’t seem to understand). The doctor didn’t seem to believe me that I was crying because I’d had an awful few days with him just before I saw her.
The DV worker I spoke to through the doctor made things worse too. She closed my case before I’d even spoken properly about what was happening. She didn’t ask to a risk assessment either. She called when I was planning to go out for a walk. The first time after nearly a week because I hadn’t been well. I explained I’d feel too down after going through the abuse so could we speak the next day. I feel drained talking about it, even on here, but after a break even a cup of tea I feel better. She didn’t seem to get that and immediately said she thought that sounded like agoraphobia or anxiety. She wouldn’t listen when I tried to explain I just wouldn’t feel up to going out (or doing anything) straight after going over all the abuse. The national helpline was wonderful yesterday and the fantastic lady I spoke to did understand.
She didn’t want to respect that and tried to start asking questions. I also told her I was scared about going to refuge and giving everything up, and also I’d already tried to council and they hadn’t wanted to help. She decided that meant I was putting up barriers, and she then told my doctor I had severe anxiety.
The irony is the other place I’ve been speaking anonymously is really keen to do a risk assessment, but they know so much (of what’s happened) and keep mentioning the possibility of MARAC. I was hoping to do the risk assessment with someone new, so I could hold some information back allowing me to stick to my leaving plan at my own pace and keep things in my control. They also are based in a different nearby area so can’t promise that they could give me an outreach worker.
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Sorry for so many posts. I guess even if this is too much or too long for people it’s helping me just writing it down and getting it out.
Re local charities. It’s hard to explain without giving away where I live but I live in a very under-pressure area. Until about a year ago there were a number of local independent charities that might have helped but now they are all sort of merged into a larger area-wide confederation, but your local council funds exactly what help you get for your particular area. My area seems much less helpful than some neighbouring ones.
I don’t want to face planning to leave on my own. I’ve been working on my plan but it’s scary especially if I have to go to a refuge and leave everything behind, and I also feel I need someone to support me just a few sessions to help me get the plan clear in my head. I don’t want to wait until next week for the next drop-in because I’m scared the police might turn up this weekend. I don’t know what happens if a neighbour report dv. The police have been here before so will probably want to check things or even arrest him. I don’t want to deal with that without support.
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It sounds like a really difficult situation for you and such a shame you are not getting the right help and support. I think all these services are really underfunded. If you are not keen on going to a refuge there is always the legal route to get an occupation order, which means you don’t have to leave your home. However if he breaks the court order then it would still mean the police could come and arrest him. Lots of solicitors offer a free legal advice clinic so that could be an option to look into. Alternatively if you do go to a refuge this does not have to be a permanent thing. You could just stay for a few days and then return home if this felt like the right thing for you.
Regarding your mental health, I think it is very unlikely you will be sectioned unless you are suicidal. Even then you would have to be very serious about harming yourself to get sectioned. It is understandable you are experiencing anxiety. It would be strange if you weren’t. Many abusers do try to twist this and make it seem as though it is all your fault and you are mental. As long as you can reassure your doctor that you won’t harm yourself then they can’t force you to use mental health services. Although it sounds like you would benefit from support, you have to be ready to do this for yourself and it is such a shame you have had bad experiences with some professionals.
I hope you get some support and work out what to do that feels right for you.
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Having never been through anything like this before I just don’t know where to start to fix the mess he created. I don’t even know what kind of solicitor I would need. I can’t get through to rights for women for love nor money. The citizans advice are packed to the rafters and only open as a basic information desk now. I’ve been to my GP and they gave me the national DA helpline number and they took the details a fortnight ago and said someone would be in touch but as yet nothing. Every day is becoming harder to get through but the weekends are by far the worst because that is when my ex would be home. I keep wanting to reach out to him in the hopes just talking to him would fix things but the reality is it won’t there is far too much bitterness and resentment now
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Hi bluedolphin,
I am sorry to hear of your experience at your local support service. It must have taken so much courage to go there. I am pleased you are posting here and it is helping you to offload to others who understand.
I understand it would be difficult but if you feel able to then please do contact them again. Perhaps the Outreach Workers are available next week, or do they offer a group support session so you would be with others? You could build confidence with the workers step by step. It is daunting and frightening opening up but unfortunately unless they know what is happening then they will not be able to put the right support in place for you. The support workers should understand how difficult it is and take it at your pace though.
It is good to hear you had a positive experience with the 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline, could you call them again to explore other options? It also sounds like you have built a good rapport with the neighbouring support service, perhaps you could speak to them again about the next step.
Please do keep posting to us, we are here for you every step of the way. You are doing brilliantly by reaching out for support.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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Can anyone tell me please how you get an outreach worker or WA support worker? The police have never referred me to anyone, and victim support are useless. My GP referred me for counselling, took 7 months to get an appointment, and then the counsellor clearly felt I had too much baggage for him to deal with, but didn’t even have the temerity to say so, offered me another appointment, and then reneged on it, saying he would have to check his diary and come back to me, and never did, and that was through the NHS. I asked him several times by email if he could give me another appointment and he came back with the lame excuse that he only worried for the NHS part time, and that was it.
My experience with the national domestic violence helpline, and help generally has been horrific. In this day and age, much more help should be available but it isn’t, it’s very sparten and in the meantime, more and more women get abused in their homes and in their work environments, and understandably, the police hate dealing with it, because they just don’t have the manpower, and as I have experienced myself, on one occasion, despite me calling 999, they failed to show. I’ve only ever called them out 4 times over an (detail removed by Moderator) year period because I am so reluctant to do so, but to be fair, when I did need help a year ago, the two first response officers who first attended, were marvellous. Then it got handed over to the domestic abuse team, and the (detail removed by Moderator) officer dealing with it was absolutely useless, and utterly clueless. When I told them my husband had even broken his police bail conditions, and I had proof by way of text messages etc, this officer didn’t even want to know. It reminded me of the days when I, myself, spoke to a police sergeant in a professional capacity about an incident of domestic violence, and he told me “well she probably asked for it didn’t she”.
When is the government actually going to do something positive about help for victims of abusers? I know everything is chronically underfunded, but the cost cutting, is not cost effective in my view, as it leaves victims vulnerable and more likely to further sustained abuse and an ongoing situation which eventually ends up with a multi agency task approach which costs more money. Early intervention is best and ideally, there needs to be more places of temporary safety where victims can go for a couple of days to clear their heads or whatever. There seems to be more help for actual homeless people in that respect than domestic violence victims, but both deserve much more.
And for the person who said they could not get through to the national domestic violence helpline, I’ve had the same issue, not available at night, despite stating they are 24/7, and even the police couldn’t get through to them for me, even though we both tried numerous times, and I left messages. No one ever rang me back, and thats now 5 months ago!
Climbing off my soap box, and I make no apology for it, Good Samaritan we have conversed before, but I’m not used to this site fully yet, and I lose track of where I have been, unless folks DM me, but just to say, anyone who needs a lawyer for domestic abuse/family situations, can find a family lawyer on the law society website. Just go on the website and put in domestic violence or family law and your postcode, and they should provide you with a list of local lawyers for you to choose one. Ideally, try and find one that offers legal aid, so you can be assessed as to whether you are eligible for legal aid. Hope this helps.
WE
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Hi Wits End
I have finally found the courage to speak to my local service recently.
I first spoke the WA helpline who gave me the details for my local service.
I spoke to them and they offered me the number for the local outreach/floating support service. I called them today and the lady I spoke to was wonderful.
I then had to complete a self referral form and am waiting to hear back. She said they’ll allocate me a support worker who I can meet face to face to talk about the options including refuge or applying for emergency social housing to get out.
I think local services are also listed on the WA website so you could start there if you don’t want to call the national helpline.
I hope you get the support you need x -
I just wanted to thank everyone for their replies because it really is so appreciated. I’m sorry I don’t feel able to post much right now because today is the first day I haven’t felt completely awful. I have so much I need to do so I’m trying to temporarily forget everything else. Quick update. The neighbours had called police but they went away without arresting him because I said nothing happened. Then there was a shouting match with him and the neighbours which hasn’t helped mattters. I can’t get an occupation order because we’re renting privately and the lease is out of contract. I guess the landlord won’t be keen on letting me stay if he goes because he’s the one working. I probably wouldn’t feel safe staying here anyway if he was forced to leave. I’m slowly accepting it has to be a refuge.
Hi GoodSamaritan. I really hope things are not too bad for you today and hope you were able to make your college course. I’ve been told GPs can refer to foodbanks but perhaps you need to ask if they don’t offer. I hope you can get some things sorted out.
WitsEnd, The underfunding is so upsetting and the way help and support is now a postcode lottery. It feels like things are getting worse because of welfare and housing cuts as well. Your experience with trying to get help sounds worse than mine and I’m really sorry to hear that. I have found my local domestic abuse services not that good and it has made me feel a bit lost but I am very grateful to the national helpline. I must have been lucky because I have got through more than once. I’ve also been called back once after leaving a message. I hope you can get through because they were so kind and supportive. My GP referred me to a domestic abuse service locally. My experience was not good but the one in your area may be better.
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Wits End, the ex-husband broke bail conditions (detail removed by moderator)!
He did not get arrested, although by conditions given he should have been arrested after breaking bail conditions.
The jurisdiction in this country is a joke.
If a woman did the same things they would lock her up for ages.
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