Loneliness

[Nova]

Hi ladies…I’ve been watching vids and reading about life after an abusive relationship, especially loneliness and the after shock of getting out.
It seems obviously, or maybe not…that separation and trauma will create a sense of loneliness, losing ones sense of self through the dark times, has consequences. Loneliness is so different than being alone, it’s a feeling which makes me panic causes anxiety & to a big extent kept me wrapped up in the toxicity. Now I’m away from that It’s a feeling I know Is part of my recovery. It hurts and it’s opened my eyes as now I’m more aware & will probably distance me from many other relationships in my life.

I know I’m capable as in reality he didn’t contribute, so there was no real foundation…it was all orchestrated by me, so I can make that happen, right? And this time the focus will be on me!

If I’m not careful.. it may drag me back into ‘bad’ relationships. I know if I’m needy & empty, focussed on him, I am a red flag to a abuser, who will zoom right into me to suck me dry…whoever that may be! Work personal family etc

If I’m feeling lonely I’m going to try to find myself, writing 3 words down which describe me and posting them around as reminders
I’m going to focus on me in the present. Not the past, which maintains my anxiety…I’m trying to remind myself of Who I am?!
Re connect with those characteristics which make me, me! Surround myself with as many likeminded as possible…fancy a cuppa ladies 😊

If I’m lonely I’m going to try with ALL my willpower not to go back, mentally & physically ( yes easier said than done)ongoing work required!
I’m going to find a tiny task which will reconnect me to the present however small, it’s a start.. of a new chapter.

Hugs Ladies

Cx

[Alicenotichains]

Cuppa it sounds like you are focused and self aware. I also feel that currently I am a red flag to an abuser- I don’t have the boundaries yet and I am too prone to people pleasing behaviour. Having been in 2 abusive relationships I recognise how not healing properly from the first led me into the second. It really was a case of “out of the frying pan and into the fire”.
I am also feeling lonely in a way. I chose to leave my second abusive partner which I think I will look back on as a life changing moment. My first one left me for another woman.
Having chosen to leave number 2 I am experiencing occasional pangs to connect, despite the fear. I would turn to him for comfort. I am learning self soothing and counselling is helping. It’s hard with my peers as we split up a few weeks ago and so I can’t really talk about it much more as I think people will get bored. It seems that people with no experience of abuse underestimate the challenges of leaving an abuser. It’s a daily battle. Some days are easier than others. Sending you peace and love, across the airwaves x*x

[Nova]

Thanks Alice..your right it’s a daily battle..& can only try our best!

I think self awareness is key for me…& recognising that the anxiety will pass it’s part of a healing process in a way not to fear it, which would cause me to panic and resume the contact.

Now I see it’s part of the ‘old life..It’s tough I know that..it’s another stepping stone. I can regret a billion times it won’t make my recovery any easier it will make it harder, I’m a pleaser too, I’m trying to stop filling the gaps for others, bolstering them instead of myself! Takes far too much energy and I’ve had it with that. Let them support me ( or not) instead! Just seems more honest and genuine.

Big hugs Cx

[KIP.]

I remember being in my bed and my son was in his room and my husband was down stairs so I wasnt alone, but I’ve never felt so desperately lonely in all my life. I remember feeling so lonely and suicidal. That’s what abuse and keeping it secret does to us. It isolates us into a prison of loneliness. Now I am alone and don’t have a lonely day in my life. It does get better. Hang in there X

[Nova]

Thanks for sharing Kip yes Lonliness is so different it’s a gripping feeling…being alone is physical.

I’m recognising the effect it has had on me…and its losing its grip!
As I’m moving ahead… It’s a good feeling! It means he’s No longer occupying all of my head space!

Thank G for small steps and regaining our spirit hey ladies!!! 🌹

Cx

[Anonymous]

Hi Cuppa I love this post & comments, just what me & my adult son did, all in separate rooms, in an abusive household, him there, 24/7 treading on eggshells, once away although years of his abuse, feeling desperate to escape we felt lost without the 3rd person!!! The abuser!!! Loneliness Is awful but surely better than bring abused. I agree to stick close to like minded people, I’m really quiet, Abusers shout & scream in your face was terrifying, from now on I just won’t do anyone like that ever again in my life. I feel I want some pre printed clothes that say “If you are abusive keep away from me please, I don’t do abusers” we need to be stronger than strong & fight this world until all abusers are revealed for who they truly are, xx

[Nova]

Hi Blueberry…Tragically..in the abusive relationship, it’s very much, lost with them lost without them …As normal woman we want hope feel that our partner is hopefully with us honest and has our best interests, love, at heart.
WRONG

Cx

[Nova]

Loneliness in a relationship… it’s not ‘better’ than abuse it is abuse.
Beyond analysis & should be an unnecessary factor of life.

It’s extremely painful, being ignored & hurt by your partner. Beyond comprehension.

Cuppa x

[Ladyglittersparkles]

In the early days of seperation i felt horrendous. After the explosive breakup and getting him out.police involvement. the quietness was eerie. Unsettling.
In those dark silent moments I felt so vulnerable in so many ways. Left alone with memories and thoughts
From one extreme to the other but its been ages now since we split.
I’ve only just found this forum.and I didn’t feel brave enough to call dv helplines.
Would of been such a help in the early days but it’ll really help continuing going forward recovering

[Lyng]

The worst silent period lasted months. A trial in home separation that turned out to be one of the worst mistakes in a series of bad moves. The kids ate with him, and she ate and slept in her room. Work was solace. Her cat wasn’t allowed downstairs when he was in the house. She spent hours on the computer. Writing, dreaming, connecting with others via various Internet forums. The silence would be broken only by random bouts of anger and accusation. The more she sought to change her life by running, exercising, losing weight — the worse it got. He took to “supervising” her fitness classes. She took to posting her whereabouts so people could publicly see where she was to avoid his smear campaign of lies and accusations. Smiling pics of her at work or a conference. Whether she was with a man or a woman she must be cheating … that’s why it was so easy to “step out” the second they were separated. Why not? She’d already been doing it for years anyway according to him. Only much later did she run across pics of not just one, but four, adult women, all taken at the height of his obsession with her finding someone else. He used to proudly declare he’d never cheated. The half naked selfies of multiple women said otherwise … was there any part of their relationship that wasn’t a lie? Nope. And that’s what hurt the worst in those lonely nights in her room, a pillow over her head, trying to drown own his yelling at the TV or the game console…

[Nova]

Ladies thanks for sharing those powerful words..LadyGS, yes the empty silence after the explosion & confusion is deadening, soul destroying like after a grenade has gone off in your heart, I know that feeling

Lyng…oh my that hurts, those pictures..I know the fakeness, I’d think all the time how the projection of the ‘ happy couple’ image is thrown about, now I know this was posted as evidence for him, without my permission I may add, for all his family, to set me up! So I feel for you. The pillow you mention.,triggered me I’d forgotten that I did the same all the time!!!! Oh god how he used to rant and play music at deafening levels to keep me awake, pure & absolute torture tactics, crazy making mind bending. Meanwhile I’m terrified lonely and vulnerable. Shocking abuse.

They should be taken out of society away from women and children and de programmed…is that possible? ..is there any hope, except to be on hi alert from abusers?!
If that’s the case it’s going to be a tricky road ahead to negotiate, there’s a lot more of ‘them’ out there.

Alone not lonely Cuppa xx

[lilaclady]

The loneliness I sometimes feel now I have separated is nothing compared to the loneliness and isolation I feel while I was with him. You sound like you are very self aware and doing all the right things. We are all on this journey of healing and recovery and taking it each day (me currently taking it each hour today!) look after yourself everyone xx

[Nova]

Lilaclady, one hour a day is cool…if that’s what it takes!
I am stronger some days and others not…life hey…just glad I finnally made the move to dump him.
A friend said to me recently, evil people have a talent for making other people’s lives a misery …don’t they just! Let’s keep going Cx

[iwillbeok]

I agree lilaclady – we would scatter of an evening to the corners of the house before, hiding in our relative games/youtube/books while he watched his TV. Loneliest times ever.

Now we spend time together, the TV is mostly off or we’ll watch something together, we laugh more or sit together doing our respective games/books… even if we’re in different rooms the lonliness is not there.

I get occassional times of lonliness – just missing that significant other to bounce thpughts off. I dont miss him anymore.

[Lyng]

All these stories are so moving. All of us experienced that scattering of people from one end of the house to the other. Living together but totally miserable and lonely. Life with my kids is not easy at the moment, but at least they are PRESENT. Thank you for reminding me just how different that feeling is.

[Nova]

Thanks so much for all these posts, they all resonate with us all no doubt. Iwillbeok, sure what you say about how the atmosphere completely changes. the immediate tension has gone, feels like I can breath and think a bit more clearly. all these other negatives like loneliness took up SO much of my life, really swamped in it, drowning. No space to think just drilled into this existence. Phew!

Ladies your a great bunch of ‘virtual friends’ to share with keep it coming, learning every day about my old life!

Cx

[Anonymous]

Loneliness is so difficult and scarey too, but to look back at all those years of abuse, the silent treatment, the scoldings, the punishments, All those years I spent being abused, with someone who was there but not with me, all the years I could never understand why I felt so alone inside. Now I do, now I’m away I can clearly see what he did, how he terrified me. I would not want him back because he tortured my soul to near destruction. I’m not sure I could ever have another relationship and that does break my heart because I truly don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone. Need to heal first however long that will take just in case I attract another abuser, he was the one who bought me to my major breakdown but prior to Him I seemed to attract abusers. Too soft, too sensitive too much trauma throughout life. So utterly relieved I know what red flags are now, so grateful for all the brave ladies on here who share their experiences so that we can try to help each other & not feel so alone. Loneliness hopefully eased by knowing we are not on our own we have each other to talk to x

[Nova]

Blueberry, the systematic & purposeful abuse of another is what we have been through. That one human being thinks they can and then can do that is beyond belief! Oh the silent treatment!! oh you have reminded me of that, he’d be so angry …at nothing…like in a restaurant hed just sit and stare in a different direction, totally freaky & strange..at first Id be scared and want him to snap out of it, placating him…so embarrassing! In the end Id just laugh and let him sit with it, like the dork he is, what a crazy, could be silent treatment, on the sofa, bed, car, anywhere as long as it was only us 2 of course, never a witness to his stupid abuse.
I remember being with him, thinking…in my positive times.. I can make this work, and it would, until he switched, for absolutely no reason whatsoever, then the fear & loneliness would return and my positivity would leave me lonely and alone.
So really I feel like I’m mourning the good times obviously and its strange how some days can be just that, the focus on the good…instead of the reality, this is the horrible confusion of trauma bonding.

Then I remind myself when I look at a ‘happy’ snap of us it was fake… later he would turn nasty again, and I was back to lonely and fearful. Awful loss of ones self through those years, and loss of freinds and family, he broke my circle of support, my network I’d built up (thankfully not all) but I didnt gain one friend in over (detail removed by Moderator) from him, or his family…being isolated, and ignored (what did he say about me, probably same as the other ex’s shes x y z blah blah)…haven’t even started on that re build yet!
Lonely! no wonder we are lonely!
So I understand that your suffering and it will take time, have faith in your strength too, its about re learning doing things differently, its tough to have to be different!

Hugs
Cx

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