Loneliness in isolation, but I survived him

[Bee1]

I’m new in here, I had to try and find some support. I am (detail removed by moderator) out. The n**********c relationship ended, I think I would’ve died in trying to save him from himself. He had multiple mental health diagnosis and alcoholism in denial. I myself survived cancer (detail removed by moderator). I’m lucky to be here. But My second chance was kicked in the teeth by his behaviour, lies and manipulation. I am still angry. I have no support around me. I moved nearer home to look after my elders, their health is bad and I have to be strong for them. I have had some counselling which has now ended as the course time ran out. It did help. I now have (detail removed by moderator) and can hardly walk. I feel so cheated that I am left struggling mentally, and physically now. I see to my folks but I don’t mix with anyone, some days I can only rest due to pain.
I meditate, I use self hypnosis to cope day by day. I try to reach out to old friends who I thought I could turn to even tho they’re miles away… but I get no replies hardly.
I am noticing I am hiding away lately, I have to use a mobility aid to walk, I feel very conspicuous and nervous in public, can’t even get to a cafe for a coffee!! I feel stupid by myself and disabled. I know he has stolen my confidence. It hurts that I know he is Scott free and onto his next narc supply I do not doubt, I can’t believe life is like this now, I am a good person with a big heart, I am a decent human being who doesn’t deserve this. My abuser knew that I had experience rape before (detail removed by moderator), but it didn’t stop him taking when I said no sometimes.
I have written a lot here, and if you made it to the end of my writing then thank you for reading me. I really don’t know if i’ll Ever be ok, when the horrible day comes when my elders aren’t here any more, I am so scared I will have no one at all. I have learned to hug myself, I can’t remember the last proper hug I had. So…. what can I do?
HOPE: (Hold On, Pain Ends).

[TiaMaria]

Hey Bee,

What an absolutely rubbish time you seem to be having at the moment. It can and it will get better though. I have a chronic illness and whilst most of my symptoms are mostly non existent currently except severe chronic pain, I have been in a place where everything felt (and was) impossible. But there is absolutely no reason to feel stupid by yourself just because you have a disability. There are many of us out there! I don’t know if you have Instagram but there is a whole community of people with disabilities and chronic illnesses and that helped me SO much when I was in a bad place with it all.

At the end of the day, he didn’t need saving from himself. He is a narc. You were focus on saving the wrong person – it was you that you needed to save. From him. Now you are out. And I know it is s***e right now but look at what you have overcome. SO. MANY. THINGS. What a courageous person you are.

It sucks that you feel so isolated, again, the disability community is AMAZING so I would highly suggest finding connections there. It is a shame your friends are not responding, have you explained how vulnerable you are feeling? If they don’t really respond to your bid for connection and help then they are not real friends anyway. Which also sucks. But we learn and grow and find new, better connections.

Are you seeing a therapist? If not, is that an option available to you?

You’ve got this.

[Bee1]

Thank you so so much TiaMaria for taking the time to read and reply me, I am sending you a hug out there. 🙂 I sincerely appreciate your thoughts on what was quite an epic splurge of my writing.
I haven’t done a lot of online digging as to what’s out there in the disabled community, something I should pursue. I have just finished (detail removed by moderator) months counselling, unfinished but allocated time ran out. I can re-refer in about 3mnths time, back on a waiting list though, but i enjoyed connection with my therapist so I will probably Re refer back in. The tiredness gets to me with it all, I don’t fight it if my body is exhausted with physical pain and/or emotion. I am eating well, bed early and being good to me, I buy me presents, I am focusing on dropping some weight to help I can with the (detail removed by moderator), slowly but surely, currently (detail removed by moderator) stone off, goal is(detail removed by moderator) off before Xmas. I must do this as surgery is next, ha! But the waiting list is huge, I am doing all I can for myself to hopefully help my body.

I am learning patience. As I am sure you yourself know, nothing can be rushed or quick-fixed. I will try to remind myself of what you said… about all I have survived, I must be strong somewhere right? Right! I feel for us all out here trying to replenish our Soul and nourish healing, and heal we will.

[Anonymous]

Hi bee1 I know where your coming from my abusive family abandoned me and I was left to care for my grandparents with not much outlet,I also had a non consented experience on a night out my partner new of and like yours didn’t listen sometimes and bullied when I didn’t want to do certain acts, I like making people happy see but it was at the expense of myself half the time then aced that it was predator after entitled arrogant delusional empathy deficient predator + in between I developed fibromyalgia, I have some (detail removed by moderator) too but abuse is one of the known causes for autoimmune disorders cos the body stays stuck in flight or fight as if it’s attacking an invader, sadly it’s the kindest + most forgiving people these types have instinctive eye hawking tendencies for, but now Ive learned to put my goodness in a more deserving direction and never ignore what my instincts tell me cos they’ve never been wrong maybe you felt the same too. Anyway on a lighter note welcome to the forum let’s make a toast 🥂 to new/better connections
💗💗💗

[Bee1]

Thank you Auriel for your time to reply me.
I do feel for us all here. And what you have to physically deal with certainly isn’t easy for you. The physical pain is a tough cookie to cope with. I wish I could get on the(detail removed by moderator), but it gathers dust as I can’t even stretch a leg over to get on the thing!
…It makes a good place to hang my hat instead 😄 for now.
It’s funny you mention about trapped pain.. my condition flared and became quickly worse after he’d finally gone… hmmm.

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful angel,
Well done for posting and welcome to the forum
Its good that you have acknowledge that trying to save him was a waste of time… we can only ever save ourselves
I understand that you are angry with him but please try and work through this anger, allow it, and then let it pass … journaling is good for this or even thumbing and yelling at a pillow … get it all out!
Don’t allow his actions to eat you up inside
You seem to have a good understanding of trying to help yourself by meditating and I love love love that you are giving yourself a hug … you keep on doing that… you deserve it
It’s hard when you are caring for others to break away and care for yourself but it is so so important and although you don’t think you have anyone you have your elders, so try and switch it and look what you have got and not what you haven’t
I have learnt as I have got older how valuable my parents are and how much they can teach me about life, where as in the pass I haven’t bothered to stop and listen
I’d strongly recommend that you read or listen to Louise Hay, You Can Heal Your Life… I think you will relate to this book and it could really help you change things around for you
Please know that you are not alone… the forum is always here to support you
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Bee1]

My thanks to you Darcy too for taking the time to write. It warms my chilly heart to have received some support in here, as I have been pretty much isolated here for a long long time, I am grateful to you. I will look into getting a copy of Louise Hay’s book…
I do feel for us all in here, I wish I could invite you all for a gigantic cup of coffee! 😄 and mass hug-out 😊 I know we are all struggling in varying degrees but amidst my own battles I send strength, love and light to us all. Thank you for being there

[Darcy]

That’s so kind of you to send out your love when you are struggling yourself … you are a true caring soul
Keep working on things to warm that heart of yours and although we are not physically together what we are sending out on this forum and into the world is creating ripples for the women who need our strength the most
Don’t ever mis-judge how the smallest positive thought can turn from a drop to an ocean … it all starts with hope
Stay connected my angel
D xx

[Bee1]

🤗💓 i believe that about sending our thoughts out there, I am not a hippy kinda dude 😄 but I am spiritual. Meditations and hypnosis do help with the muggles of the mind.
It is still important to be kind, to everyone I agree. Even though I feel a lot of pain, the ex partner will never squash my Me 👍
I have not turned into a bitter man-hater, tho I don’t go seeking them! I still focus on the beauty in life, of which there is plenty, I can paint still paint beautiful oil paintings.
We still hold love inside our hearts,
All of us here do.
Every single one of us.
💓 keep rowing and keep going! 🙂

[Anonymous]

We’ll be ok bee 1 we got eachother support, we’ve got another bee on here too she’s nbumblebee, she’s so so lovely she wants to get out and I want her to get out too we’re kinda lucky in a way cos we’re out ( traumatised/wounded but out) I hope the others find a way one day 💞💫⭐️

[Bee1]

I totally agree Auriel, amazing we can say that we’re lucky huh? But we are, we can still go outside and breeeeathe, I do it every day, even if I’ve been upset and life sure is lonely, I can breathe, take big gulps of Mother Nature, she’s a good nurturer indeed, whatever the weather.
Is there another bumble bee in here? 😃 I do hope one day she can make that essential move.
Hehee. I grew lots of sunflowers this year, the bumbles love them of course. Then I go buy the local honey from my local shop.
Shake it up with a kefir smoothie and add in some turmeric, healthy bees are happier bees 😊
We must look after ourselves with as much good stuff as possible right?
I’m wishing us all well 🌻 🙏🏼 💓

[Anonymous]

Yes we have another bee nbumblebee, I’ve been using honey lately too + bees pop into my mind while I do, I drink ginger banana and honey smoothies, green ones too ( we’re not really going off topic)cos healthy body, healthy spirit, healthy mind they’re all important 🌻🐝🐝🌝

[Author]

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