Loneliness of disappearing

[shine bright 2]

So we are leaving. They are changing our names and then we won’t even be us anymore. I lose everything because he’s is gonna come out of prison and he will search for us.
So he took everything. He raped and branded my body. Now he’s taking my friends, my job and my home…even our names. I can’t talk to anyone…that’s not allowed.

Someone please tell me how to carry on…please…because I don’t know if I can.

[SunshineRainflower]

Oh Shine Bright this sounds so awful, my heart goes out to you. I can’t imagine the pain of this. I’m not sure what to say other than we are all here for you, and that you (and your children which I assume you have from your post) are safe and alive and that is worth everything. But that’s not to say what is happening to you isn’t a shockingly awful tragedy. Is this a definite a final arrangement set up by the police for your safety? Did you have a choice in it? It must be so, so difficult. Do you have any emotional support like an outreach work or a counsellor? Will you be able to stay in touch with your family? Please keep posting for support. We are always here. xx

[shine bright 2]

I am going to lose all the support I have. New area new people. I can’t stay in touch with family. Not that I have much family in this country. It’s arranged. No contact with anyone. New identity.

Sometimes I think it would be easier to give up and let him find us. My children are safe that’s the main thing but I just don’t know if I can do ythis. I feel more alone than I ever have. I can’t tell people and that makes it so hard. I can’t talk it through with anyone. How does anyone survive this?

[IrisAtwood]

You can talk here. I know that there are guidelines to keep us safe, but if you don’t post identifying details you can share your feelings and get support on this forum.

I honestly don’t know how people deal with being placed in a witness protection scheme (which is what I think you are describing?) People do cope though and they build new lives. Try and think of it as an opportunity to start afresh and use all of the support that the protection scheme offers. I assume that you have a social worker that you can work with too?

It isn’t fair and it is horrible that your abuser is still affecting your lives, but try and focus on the new opportunities: home, school, job, friends. You can do this.

[KIP.]

You can do this. To keep you all safe. First thing is to get in touch with your local women’s aid. They can help with schools etc. I know this must be awful but it can also be a new beginning for you all, often the fear is worse than actually doing something. He’s not taking your identity. You’re still the same person inwardly. You are stronger than you know x

[shine bright 2]

Witness protection are organising everything..schools, doctor, house everything. Once again someone else is controlling my life. Another man in control of everything. I just got an ISVA, we like our home and schools and now I’m back to the beginning.
It’s worse than the beginning because in the beginning I had him, I had family and I had roots.
My mind is full of what ifs. What if he comes out of prison and he just leaves us alone, what if he just goes back to our other country. What if we hate the new place? How is this fair? I can’t cope with the unfairness.

[KIP.]

Have you though about trying to have him deported?
You are in control. Tell them you want input. You want to meet with women’s aid and look round schools etc. If you hate the new place then you can move again. It’s not fair but it’s safe for you all. Think outside the box.

[Appleblossom]

Hi Shine Bright,

So sorry you’re going through such an awful time. I didn’t have the same experience but in the days, weeks even months after we fled, the only way I kept going is by telling myself to literally break everything down. If I was walking down a corridor I would tell myself left foot then right. Sometimes even breathe in etc. You can and will do it. And one day you’ll look back and be thankful you’re not there anymore.

Best of Lucknow Shine. Do it for the new, wonderful shiny new you and your precious children xxxxx

[duvetday]

Hi shine bright 2,
I’m so sorry to hear about your situation.
..losing everything like that must be horrible. Loneliness is the worst. But you will get thru this. Keep posting on here and take things one tiny step at a time. Find something, anything, to keep your mind occupied if you can tho I know it’s not that simple when you are feeling really awful.. x

[shine bright 2]

Thanks so much for the replies. It helps because I’m so alone. I want to tell people. I want to.say good byes and know I will see people again, but I can’t and I probably won’t.
It is true about taking small steps, but it’s difficult.
It’s weird because I’m crying as.much now as when he raped me and I thought I was pregnant but this is for the best. I’m not going to be the victim of an honour killing and I won’t let him get the kids….no way.
I have to do things that I think take more.courage than I actually have. I’m a bit scared of the witness protection guys. They are all about safety which has is good, but is all very practical not about emotions. They are a bit macho and scary to me.im terrified of the day when I had them my phone earlier and all my id and become someone else. So scared.

[KIP.]

Youre doing fantastic. Remeber you are in control. Ask for a female officer if it will make things easier. Maybe a police liason officer. You have a voice now. I kniw it must be scary but youre doing this for your children. Try to imagine to good positive sides. You can make new friends. You can invite friends of the children round. You can have an open home. Build your confidence. Yes its going to be lonely to begin with but you have come this far. Maybe psycologically it will be the best thing ever. To leave all the connections and triggers. A new beginning. A butterfly from a cocoon x

[shine bright 2]

That’s such a beautiful idea KIP…a stunning butterfly. I hope I can be this. At the moment the loneliness is killing me. I can’t talk to anyone about it all or even say good bye. I can’t have a smart phone, I can’t share any information and I have to lie about who I am. I can see so many good things..safety, new beginning etc but I’m overwhelmingly afraid.

Even the police who have helped me over the last couple of years won’t know where I am. People who have supported me all the way through.

As a Muslim Christmas can be a bit lonely as my family don’t want to know since I put him.in prison. I have good friends but they are celebrating Christmas. It’s just me and the kids24/7. I’m so afraid and so lonely. I hope you are right KIP and we can emerge beautiful a ndrive strong. Maybe the physical and emotional scars will fade in a new place. I don’t know.

[Ayanna]

I just want to send you virtual hugs of support.
You can do this.
You will find new friends.
You will grow new roots.

[shine bright 2]

Thanks Ayanna the support of people here means so much. I remember someone here saying they didn’t think I qould get out alive. I have to keep that in my mind because everything has become so comfortable while he has been in prison. It feels like I’m making a huge sacrifice…but in so.e ways I’m not…I’m being given a life line.

[Ayanna]

Read lots of books about psychology, how to make yourself stronger, how to overcome   abuse and also learn self defence such as krav maga.

[KIP.]

My clinical psychologist told me to move away for my own mental health but I just couldn’t. I know she’s right and it’s how to heal and move on so I know how frightening it is but there are lots and lots of supportive people out there. Buy yourself a little butterfly bracelet or find a lovely butterfly picture and save it on your phone, Look at it and think positive thoughts. This is a second chance for you all. There are lots of new ways to meet people. Lots of groups on the internet. Lots of clubs. You will be fine. You are such a strong person to have got this far. I remember your posts from the early days on here when we were both traumatised. We have both come a long way on our journey. Hang in there. You’re not alone x

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Sunshine bright 2,
I just wanted to say you have inner strength which you can draw on and will amaze you. You found the strength to leave him and I assume testify against him. You have coped while he was in prison and I have every faith that you will continue to keep doing that, keep going for your children if the fear feels too much. I expect that’s what you have already been doing. I literally tremble, feel like my legs are made of jelly when I have to speak to someone, take the next step in the process. You have come so far already. Having to change your identity and lie about who you are etc is…well my worst nightmare I guess, but just keep reminding yourself you are free and you’re doing this to be safe and continue to be free, heal and grow into that beautiful butterfly, the incredibly strong and wonderful woman you were always meant to be. Maybe you’re feeling so scared because his release is reminding you how you felt when you were still with him. You found the strength to win your freedom, so you know you can do this. You just have to believe in yourself and the wonderful new life you and your children will have. Good luck. You need never be alone. There’s always the helplines to hear a voice and have someone listen and you have us and your faith. Mine brings me great comfort and strength, I hope yours does too. Hugs

[White Rose]

Hi there Shine Bright. I love KIPs idea of you as a butterfly so spread those wings and fly and be beautiful in another setting.
You’ll be safe, safer than you’ve been for ages and just because your name changes you won’t, you’ll still be the same strong you. Your children will find it hard too I’m sure but you will all be safe to live your lives and not be in fear the whole time xx

[SunshineRainflower]

I agree with everyone’s replies, and just wanted to add about the loneliness, could you join some groups in your new area for whatever you are interested in, could be anything, just to meet some nice women and give you the chance to have a cuppa with some friendly people? My situation is in no way as bad as yours as I have just moved areas and am not in a witness protection situation but I have lost/distanced myself from most of my friends because they were controlling, critical and passive aggressive so I can very much relate to the loneliness, most of the time it is just me and my cat and sometimes I feel like I’ll go crazy if I don’t find kind, good people to talk to. Keep going, take it one small step at a time and keep posting on here to talk it through. Could you also ring Samaritans too as they are confidential? Would the witness protection people let you do that? What are their suggestions for dealing with the emotional side of this which is massive? It must be so difficult, I think you are incredibly strong, brave and admirable and you should be proud of yourself for getting through such a nightmare with dignity and grace.

[shine bright 2]

Such beautiful replies. You all give me strength.. The same as u gave me strength when he hit me and assaulted me. When he I had to do a pregnancy test and for sti it was here that I came first support.
I’m thinking about a butterfly tattoo actually…even though it’s forbidden in our culture…always been a rebel. The other thought was of a branch with a leaf for each of my kids. Fragile leaves all held together. I saw something about victims of domestic violence getting tattoos to cover scars. I got to many to cover but maybe it cud make them a symbol for of hope or survival rather than making me feel I have been branded by him.

We have picked new names. That was hard and it freaks me out. It really messes with my head so much. I keep thinking he will kill me if he knows they chose kinda Christian like names. He will kill me. The witness protection guy says they never had anyone found in eighteen years of the job. They scare me a bit all macho and serious…like the ex.

It’s difficult. I had a lot of contact with the domestic abuse unit at the police even and then have been very gentle in their approach to me. They have seen me change being terrified of having male officers in the house to someone more confident. Now I will have a whole new set of people to deal with.
I’m scared but u r giving me courage.

[KIP.]

I’ve seen a tattoo of an ankle bracelet with little chains coming off with charms. You could have love hearts for the kids and a butterfly for the new you. I think it’s fab that you’re actually considering this. It’s totally new you. It’s your life and you can live it just as you please. That’s really good that no one has ever been found. I think they are right. I followed a thread on another post and am reading about recovering from trauma and why we are stuck in that traumatised state and how the anxiety part of our brain is like a smoke detector. It often goes off when it recognises the wrong signs. It’s helpline me understand the mechanics behind our reactions. Mindfulness and yoga are recommended x

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