Loneliness, sadness and desperation

[Harper]

Hello.

I have been on the forum for sometime now, but have never plucked up the courage to start a topic, in the hope that as time passed, things would get easier but I’m afraid they have not.

My ex left me well over a year ago. We had a long relationship, which consisted of years of abuse. It started very violently with particularly nasty assaults, he was a drinker, I left, couldn’t bear to be without him so went back, submitted to his controlling behaviour (lost touch with friends, stopped going out, stopped wearing certain clothes etc) and he stopped drinking, so plodded along this way for years, just me and him. I then restarted a hobby of mine and this caused major problems. The abuse started again. I suspected he was drinking again as I could sometimes smell it on him. For years I asked him to leave but he would not. He blackmailed me with various things and made various threats, but then he would apologise and it would all be swept under the carpet. I wouldn’t want to rock the boat and was grateful for the few days of ‘normal’. Then it would start again. Towards the end, the sweet/mean cycle had gone from a week or so of sweet then a week or so of mean to a minute by minute change. I would without a doubt describe him at this point as a physcopath.

When he left, it was the definition of a discard, it was utterly humiliating and has broken my heart completely.

So here’s the problem. I can’t move on. I am stuck loving him. I am by no means in denial, I know what he is, that’s almost the worst part. I am partial no contact, what I mean by that is I haven’t spoken a word to him for over a year, I did block his number but I often unblock it to see what messages he has sent. I never ever respond and I never will. But I feel hooked. Some days it feels like I spend 95% of my day thinking about him. I see him around sometimes and it makes me feel like my heart is in my throat, annoyingly he lives nearby and some people who are close to me have connections to him which doesn’t help.

I tried counseling a while ago, it didn’t seem to help. I’m sick of feeling like this. I am so lonely and sad a lot of the time. I remember this feeling all those years ago when we split up for the first time, I remember it well because I went back, I remember the first night back with him as I slept like a baby and the relief of not having that heartache anymore was wonderful….for a while, until it started again….i will not go back so any suggestions on how to get through this would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

[freedomtochoose]

well done harper. For posting. I too have had a relationship with a ‘drinker’ I would say I fell in love with. Big time.

I made it out. We ladies are together on so many fronts.

I notice that you are here, you made it out.

Hang in there, sorry not to post long today. Me tired. But okay

thinking of you

other ladies on here will have more advice.

How to get through? Day by day. Well done for posting.

Looking after yourself.

great to hear from you

all best
ftc
x

[fizzylem]

Hi Harper, yes, so pleased you’ve posted; I can relate to not being able to get him out of my head for a long, long time, I got sick of that. Like you, knew I’d never go back and drew the line, and yet he was still in my head daily and most of the time.

For me it was about training my mind, taking control of my thoughts, thoughts are just thoughts, we give too much power to them sometimes.

Our thoughts inturn effect how we feel, so thinking about him only leads to misery, among other emotions. Thinking about him and the love you felt is living in the past, and thus not living the present – which you no doubt know.

I wanted to feel free, so I did this through meditation, it really is a self empowering tool, it brings calm, clarity, peace. It helped me no end to put him out of my mind; I remember it well, it felt like he invaded my mind and I had no control over that – no more. So yes, I would suggest mindfulness meditation, or going along to your local Buddist centre as they run classes, you dont have to be a buddist to attend, I’m not, they welcome all faiths, all people. Once you’ve aquired the principles, if you can practice for 5 mins a day it really is the key to freedom.

You loved, there’s no shame in that – you have a big heart to love someone with so many flaws – this tells us you have the capacity to love and to love big, so maybe now you need to discover that you can give yourself this same love and compassion.

I thought he was the love of my life for many years – nowadays I feel nothing, ok maybe anger and repulsion now and again, sometimes even pity, but not love and mostly nothing x

[Harper]

Thank you so much for your replies. It’s nice being able to find a place where people understand. Unless you’ve been in this situation, I can imagine how hard it is to understand!

I’ve done a lot of research around trauma bonding etc and love addiction. It surprises me that not many professionals know about this. Like therapist’s and so on.

I will certainly look into meditation fizzylem. Thanks for that. I am so pleased to hear that you feel that way about him now. I can only hope to be in that place sometime.

It’s all such an injustice. A person who can treat another person the way they do and then walk away unscathed leaving the other person to deal with it for a very long time. Terribly unfair.

I wondered if anyone has the situation where friends or relations are also linked to their ex, where it would not be possible to remove this ‘link’ from their life? Especially if the person is a trigger.

[iamme]

Hi Harper,

My husband has used my own family and other relatives to get to me. I stopped picking up my landline and only took calls from people I knew and trusted. Unfortunately my mum is someone who is easily led and quite gullible. He gets people to talk to her to get to me. Most of the time I keep myself busy and away from judgemental people. My mother tries to get me to go along with what she says like it’s some kind of profound wisdom but only I know what I had to live through and how bad my mental state had become so my wisdom is better and my scars deeper. I don’t divulge much to my mum either as she can’t keep things to herself. Once you stop caring what he does, people won’t bother you if it doesn’t have an affect on you. More than likely he’s putting on a show for people to talk to you about because he knows he still has power over you even though he’s not there.

Meditation and mindfulness is quite good. Takes practise but you start feeling better and more positive. Think about you, what would you like to do? What would you have done before he dug his claws into you?

[diymum@1]

theres definitely two things here and the right therapy might help you – proper trauma therapy over a six month period. also your in the stage of grieving for your relationship and thats feelings of deep intense emotion. its natural . for me i felt really angry to the injustice of it all gets you raging, then a deep sense of betrayal i suppose a deep hurt to the core and now i feel nothing – actually strength the feeling of moving on. you wont think youll get to this point and neither did i but i have. hold that in your thought 100% you will get over this and this is a natural stage your experiencing and it will pass. remember life is ever changing xx im being deep lo for a bank holiday monday!!xx love diymum

[diymum@1]

i think also although its horrible you have to go through this stage to get to the other side of it – for me ive learned to appreciate the good things the simple things like freedom and also to be thankful for being able to think clearly again its like learning to walk as a baby your going to have falls your going to feel frustrated with yourself but you get back up and you learn from it and then your doing it your walking on your own without help xx hope that makes sense

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Harper,

It’s great you posted and I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been through. I could really relate to that feeling you describe of them being in your head constantly and how nightmarish and confusing that feels when we logically know they are abusers.

I felt exactly the same. I’d describe it as if time has not passed in the usual way for me – 6 months after leaving felt like 2 months, 1 year after felt like 4 months etc in terms of how healed I felt and how distant it felt compared to a usual break up.

I too had constant thoughts. (Detail removed by moderator) years on he’s still in my head at times but not like before and I can see him very clearly. It’s trauma bonding and ptsd. Your brain is trying to make sense of it. My ex was a psychopath too. It was the worst thing I’ve ever been through.

I haven’t been able to find long term therapy which is probably why my healing has been slower so do seek out good trauma therapy with a therapist who is trained in domestic abuse. Interview several and go with your gut as some therapists are not good and can make us feel worse.

Well done for breaking free, it’s so hard to do. Keep going. Do you have hobbies and activities you enjoy? Definitely increase these and increase socialising to fill your life with good stuff to remind yourself who you are and what you enjoy.

[fizzylem]

Sounds like you’ve done a lot of learning and processing, you understand why it happened and who he really is – this all takes time hey. Had another thought, I think it really is about working out how you want your life to be, then taking the steps to make that happen, to be in the home you love, to have only those friends and family in your life you want, enjoy your work, do all those things you want to do, go to the places you want to see. It can take a while to get all these things lined up sometimes, but once we do and we have the life we want we also feel this and the self needs protecting, meaning we know it won’t happen again, we just wont settle for anything less than what is right for us.

We all need time to come to terms, sounds to me that this year has been just that for you, and you’re now getting ready for a new phase. Let him go now flower, start living again step by step xx

[Whywhywhy]

hi everyone i am going through this at the mo have even paid for hypnosis and still i was told i wasnt ready to let go i now live my life with panic attacks and sleep aids i have stuck by this man through years and years of hell yet im now the 1 suffering my own friends turned on me as it was too much hassle been my friend as he would turn up ect and then he walks out starts a completely new life where everything slots in to place goes right when i have litrally no one i feel so ugly so foolish and am now the one txting him what is wrong with me he was literally my first boyfriend and i moved out very young i litrally feel shattered and bereaved can sombody give me any advice as i cannot seem to channel my mind on anything else
thankyou everyone you all seem so strong x

[freedomtochoose]

sorry to hear this why why why, it is certainly a tough call.

I revisited this thread. For me it is a lot about routine, every day that goes by and a new life becomes more real. Also what Fizz said about meditation helps.

Learning and education yourself about trauma bonding also.

Compassion to yourself and trying to steer clear of self=blame.

Basic self-care techniques. Such a struggle I find at times.

all best
ftc
x

[Whywhywhy]

thankyou for your kind reply its so nice to feel i exist enough for a reply bless you
self blame is definitely my problem along with self worth i have none the abusers life continues yet ur stuck in the cell you were put in all those years ago in ur mind everyday u see the abuser smiling almost laughing at u yet u walk round head to the floor silently sobbing ur way through the day your left feeling damaged and no tablet or amount of talks will help u heal im guessing its a time this which im sure many survivors find so so hard as by the time its ended your already so drained in every aspect for me its not tge physical scars its the mental sorry everyone to go on i just needed to get this out and this is probably the only place people can without judgment. hugs to u all trust me i am feeling ur pain this was is the final kick and probably the heardest to get back up from.x*x

[freedomtochoose]

OH gosh why,why,why so sorry you are experiencing this.

On my journey I have bought two phones.
I know the one is – for my ex husband. The old phone. I have always been in the habit of switching it off – so that he can’t contact me outside of contact times.

The other phone is a new one. I noticed that the person I had a relationship with after my ex husband does not have that number.

I didn’t give it to them.

It was as if my self-protection had kicked in, automatically.

I guess I had missed them though and wished that things could be different and imagined that we could even be friends at some point….unrealistically…

had phoned them the other day with a simple sentence…asked if they were ready to apologise.

They sent me a text on old phone which I have only just picked up, saying ‘I needed to apologise for my something. I felt it was victim blaming so I told them very briefly where to go…

Not very courteous I know but I am better off without them.
Even if I do feel lonely at times. I will get there. And I would rather enjoy my own company iykwimDo

Don’t know if it was trauma bonding or not. But felt like it. And I don’t want to run the risk…

all best
ftc
x

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