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    • #134980
      Stuckinturmoil
      Participant

      I have been with my husband for decades. I still now think is it me. But thoughts have started to creep in that things have never been right. It’s only now they are so bad I realise what a weird person he is.

      Even before we were married he was mean to me. I was a teenager just learnt to drive. We were sat in a coffee shop and he burnt the back of my hand with a teaspoon that had been in boiling water.
      He once drove off and left me in a town on my own for looking at shoes in a shop window.
      He is a horrid little man.

    • #134986
      Hereforhelp
      Participant

      Hi stuckinturmoil

      I just wanted to welcome you to the forum and to say I am so sorry he’s treated you so badly. I was also married for decades and look back now and can also see that my husband has always been weird.

      I am months out from my marriage, best thing I ever did, I made the decision that I would rather be alone than to spend the rest of my life being made to feel worthless with him.

      Keep posting ❤

    • #134988
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Hi Stuckinturmoil,

      Hindsight is a blessing and a curse! It can give us clarity but also gives us a reason to beat ourselves up.

      Abuse creeps in very, very slowly and ramps up over time.

      You were very young when you met him and he also would have been young I imagine. Still a fledgling as far as abuse goes.

      They get better at it as time goes on but they also get better at hood winking you into staying.

      It’s very common for women to look back with clarity and wonder how they couldn’t see it before. That is the skill of the abuser.

      Many women were also raised by an abusive parent so when they meet their partner, they don’t see the abuse because it seems normal to them.

      You have seen it now and you’ve found your way here. Welcome to the forum. You are amongst friends now. xx

    • #135023
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Please don’t blame yourself.

      As others have said they can be very manipulative.

      There is also the point that if we are in these situations then our ability to act may be hampered by economic situations or cultural ones, i.e we might be ashamed of blame ourselves for the situation…

      And there are practical issues too. Which people sometimes don’t realise.

      I distinctly remember wanting to leave…doiing the school run and seeing a house for rent, thinking oh, gosh we could move there and be happy DD and I,

      but then my next thought was…where would I get the rent deposit from?

      I was married but he had control over finances in the end…

      So perhaps you did know on some level. But don’t blame yourself please.

      No one really wants to admit that a marriage hasn’t worked out. And when you are with abusers your critical skills might be impared too…

    • #135072
      Watersprite
      Participant

      Hey stuck in turmoil oh I relate so so much to that – once you start seeing it for what it is – abuse it can feel really overwhelming. But clarity is the first step. He sounds sadistic abusers lie and like you to feel hurt then they gaslight you and make you feel it’s your fault. It isn’t. My ex was a monster but could then be really lovely I spent decades thinking these times were the real him and blaming myself minimising the abuse. The gaslighting and fear obligation and guilt scramble our reality. Believe in your truth and seek support – this time can be the most dangerous. It took me decades but leaving best thing I did. Hope you doing ok x

    • #135080
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      Oh my goodness I am right here with you.
      Have been married decades finding all this rather too much at times but slowly very slowly realising mine is an arse.
      I often kick myself for nkt seeing it sooner but I believe somewhere burried deep deep down we did know but we didnt want to see i still dont but I am really forcing myself. I look at happy times happy pictures and i remember oh he did that b4 then and he said that and gosh I had to do this to get us there that day and i realise that yes it was always this way not as bad but it was there.
      Its bad now as ive started to fight back grab a life and my word he hates every second and is making life an utter misery.
      Do i see it as abuse no not at all and im not sure i ever will, am I unhappy yes definatly so thats what im working on.
      Sweetie you are not alone dont ever ever blame yourself, these men know what they are doing they somehow all have had the same narc training and we all go through various degrees of crapness from them but they know how to oull it back how to rein us in again.
      Mine this week told me he didnt like me that i was ruining our marriage and other nastiness today he has booked us a meal out. It is just to mess with our heads dont let it.
      Read as much as you can try and understand the cycle now you see it you will never unsee it.
      Reach out to someone you trust or contact Womans aid this stuff is too hard to cope with alone.
      Stay safe stay strong we are all here with you xx

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