18th November 2020 at 9:44 am #116484
Hello – hope this not tmi but have an emotionally/coercively/highly verbally abusive husband – only recently gained enough self confidence in myself and courage to face all this at last – better late than never! Looking for support/ encouragement – plus any advice gratefully received.
He blames me for everything/ takes his frustrations out on me/ bad temper etc – I have had enough but still living with him – early days in separation/ steps to divorce.
I find it v hard not to ‘engage’ when he provokes me but now I’m starting to eat/watch telly in the bedroom when he’s home …it’s getting easier but still a bit heartbreaking when i think it really is over now – my decision – taking steps behind the scenes.
V small place, (detail removed by moderator) – no spare rooms to go to. I can explain/ defend myself calmly when he’s calm … that whatever he’s said/ shouted is simply not true or not reasonable etc ….then an hour later it’s as if I never said anything. I do not claim to be an angel – far from ….but I now have to keep strong and not let his version of events and of me define my reality anymore – not even bother to defend. It’s not easy!
Learning to disengage. Eventually got through to women’s aid charity for which I’m grateful – none of the national or local lines available in these covid times. Money tight – jobseeking but not easy – need to be realistic/ try harder on daily basis. Have had initial ‘safety assessment’ by women’s aid – await next step by case worker in coming week.
Also about to speak to GP today on their advice to let him know what’s happening as victim of domestic abuse already on my record – awaiting referral to hospital for further investigation of (detail removed by moderator) but think he shd know situation atm v v stressful – all this may have helped elevate my pulse rate altho blood pressure still ok so maybe it’s s’thing else but obvs doesnt help ….. A bit isolated
Hope this not tmi.
Would be good to keep in touch to keep what remains of my sanity.
18th November 2020 at 2:02 pm #116490Same-againParticipant
Yes, I did in the end manage the disengage although it was more of a whole disengage – probably dissociation!
Sounds like your doing all the right things so good luck and welcome.
Take care. xxXx
18th November 2020 at 10:10 pm #116509MistiParticipant
Hope you are ok
I have just read your post and am on the other side Soo difficult to get out and it’s not easy when you do but keep going x*x
18th November 2020 at 10:47 pm #116511
thank you. atm he seems like a normal person but denied stuff he said yesterday so its a bit like jekyll n hyde … feel disloyal but hang onto fact *he* is disloyal when he is abusive so need to hang onto that fact. Case worker rang today – got telephone apt next week when can go into detail n they can give me advice – so diffic to hang onto decision that it will happen again, that it is right decision.
19th November 2020 at 10:43 pm #116559
whoops repeated post below.
19th November 2020 at 10:46 pm #116560
mistake tonight ‘engaging’ … note to self .. do not offer opinion on any subject – he will see this as challenge, however important/ trivial and feel free either to argue they are 100pc wrong and be disdainful if I suggest I am worthy of respect even if he does not agree. Do not expect fairness – his opinions and feelings are valid of course and he is entitled to them. Silly me.
Blanket statements such as ‘we’ll get over this’ … and that we are both right and both wrong … nothing specific .. just let it all wash over me. Do not engage, do not be specific, protect boundaries – do not engage, do not exchange opinions, he lives in his own bubble – let him. Stay in mine.
19th November 2020 at 10:55 pm #116561WaterspriteParticipant
Well done for reaching out and taking those first steps to moving forwards. It’s such a big step and brave-you are seeing his lies and abuse and manipulation for what they are and that is so difficult but also so powerful. Keep moving forwards safely and reaching out for support x
20th November 2020 at 12:03 am #116573
thx Waterspite … ive taken a lot of steps behind his back now … so far he still thinks ‘we can work it out’ … hmmmf well ive tried n tried did he not notice …. gave him ultimatum over ultimatum …set out and at times he even agreed what was acceptable and what not … altho those unacceptable things are apparently acceptable again if he does them within hours or days or sometimes even a couple of wks afterwards because of my own ‘unacceptable behaviour’ so what did all that ever mean? …..After all, he only shouted once tonight to be fair …so he’s massively ok after all and obvs that was a reasonable response cos im ‘completely unreasonable’ …all making sense haha
yeah ok that is his opinion … understand im not entitled to mine in his world … Yeah its a big step i shda taken yrs ago but here i am n feeling ok under circs 🙂
20th November 2020 at 12:12 am #116574
[sry if this unclear! im talking abt verbal abuse … which altho we can agree it is unacceptable it can be made acceptable in his world if he does it, due to my complaining … usually abt his verbal abuse ;)….]
21st November 2020 at 4:09 pm #116634
It does sounds as if you’re doing everything right. It’s immensely difficult to disengage completely when you’re under the same roof. It’s also a hard habit to break so don’t feel bad if occasionally you find yourself caught up in it. You also don’t want to give him any inkling that you’re plans are advancing steadily. Let him continue to ‘win’ whilst making sure not to agree to anything. It doesn’t matter any more. Be a fantastic actress.
22nd November 2020 at 9:53 pm #116690
thanks Camel – hes suspicious … asked me right out if ive decided to divorce – i told him well it looks v likely unless things change but I’d like to think they can … but obvs can’t happen overnight if we are to turn this all around. I would not give him definitive answer cos dont know wot he will do obvs – plus willing to see what he suggests/ does … basically i need to play this for time for **me** – sry bout that mate!
Meantime he is withholding money meant for Xmas etc pending getting my answer but I pre-empted this and (detail removed by Moderator) when police came – took half of cash left over after groceries etc for past (detail removed by Moderator) wks meant for Xmas n birthdays etc … if he checked then he didnt notice. I think this is fair precaution – specially since he says if we divorce he is entitled to half of my stuff. ok then. Has given me some spending money after I insisted … im not going to be stupid abt this tho. I wd like to be honest but my experience is he will use it against me.
Does he honestly think we can get through this’? He said that he wanted to stop all the arguments and if either of us [meaning him] feel antagonised over anything then the convo must stop. I asked him that since he told me i could not criticise him, then if we are to continue on positive path, please advise how I can let him know if I feel antagonised [!] as he has said he doesnt want me to criticise him … this is confusing to me… guess what I am yet to get an answer on that one.
23rd November 2020 at 8:04 pm #116722
Answering a question with another question can be effective. If he asks if you’re planning a divorce – ‘where did that come from?’
‘what makes you think that?’
‘No. Why, are you?’
As for money, don’t feel guilty about hiding every penny you can get your hands on. You’re entitled to it. I would consider not buying anything for Christmas with the money you’ve squirreled away. He doesn’t know you have it so keep it that way.
If I were you I’d avoid confronting him about anything. You know you will never win. It may feel good but isn’t it draining?
5th December 2020 at 10:07 pm #117371
yep it is draining … yes he often answers a question w a question time i used that trick too haha .. using it now as matter of fact – its really useful!!! haha Camel its so easy obvs … even he can do it .. need to maintain sense of humour – thx for yr support … x
17th December 2020 at 1:44 am #117939
I’m really happy this worked! It’s always easy to suggest things when you’re not caught up in it.
19th December 2020 at 3:08 am #118053EmpoweredhealingParticipant
He sounds like the classic verbal abuser. Patricia Evans explains really well how to deal with verbal abusers in her books. She has specific examples of what to say in reply to these verbal outbursts, abusive anger, irrational behavior and “crazy making” statements.
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