Looking to the future

[titanium21]

Hi everyone, I’ve been no contact now for a while and it’s got me thinking, what next?
Where do I go from here? Has anyone got any advice or hope on moving on? This is not my first time and I’ve come to realise abuse partners come in all shapes and sizes, how could I ever trust again? I don’t trust myself to pick a good partner 🙁 but the thought of staying alone and being lonely all my life is very unappealing. I’m so broken, can’t even think of how I will recover from this, still a lot to navigate as I have a young baby with most recent abusive ex. Just feel so vulnerable 🙁 don’t have much support or anyone ‘on my team’ does anyone know what it would look like to move on and have a healthy relationship after such let downs and being taken advantage of so badly.
Thanks in advance. X

[Hawthorn]

Hi T,
You have a support team here so please keep reaching out. Are you involved with your local womens aid? I’m getting 1:1 counselling and attending a support group through mine, it’s been invaluable to my recovery. It’s all online these days but no less help for that. Even if you’ve been involved previously do consider reaching out again. It takes time (lots of it) to recover and with a small baby you wont have much time to focus on yourself.

I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to trust my judgement with men again either. But I dont fear being alone anymore. My own company is far better than having an abusive partner for company. I have never known loneliness like I experienced in that relationship.

You are so strong to have endured your relationship and gotten out. You are strong enough to manage on your own but of course you will feel sad and low at times. He destroyed your self confidence and sense of self. You are not broken but very badly bruised. Allow yourself time to heal before embarking on a new relationship.

Your kindness and vulnerability will be a shining beacon for men like him. You need to shore up your defences against them. That will take time.

Keep posting and be kind to yourself. You deserve it. Xxxx

[Hawthorn]

Sorry I’ve just re-read my message and its maybe not positive enough. How about this:

You are strong. You are enough. This is your one wild beautiful life and you are creating a happy loving home for you and your baby. A life free from abuse.

You are a survivor and you will survive this. And thrive. You will certainly have a happy healthy relationship in the future(if that’s what you want) but you need to learn that you are enough on your own first. Because you are.

Sending love and light x*x

[Camel]

Hi Titanium

I felt as you do when I left my abuser. Then walked straight into another abusive relationship. I’ve been a victim off and on from teenage. Each time was different. Abusive men are the minority so I had to ask myself what it was that made me easy prey.

As a society we idealise coupledom while tending to think of single people as abnormal. They’ve failed. There must be something wrong with them. They must be unlovable. So everything becomes about finding ‘the one’, the ‘other half’. And when they don’t materialise we learn that beggars can’t be choosers.

We’re also hit with the ridiculous notion that it’s us that must ‘learn to trust again.’ The message should be that we must learn to trust ourselves. This means identifying our own hopes and dreams. What we’re happy to compromise on. Where we draw the line.

Having a baby must make you feel desperate for support and companionship. This makes you vulnerable to new abusers. So, before you dive in, learn to recognise red flags. Most importantly, learn not to disregard or rationalise your inner voice. Learn to judge others on what they do, not what they say. Refuse to be rushed. Refuse to explain or justify your feelings, friendships, history or behaviour. Recognise that genuine love and respect is quiet, not dramatic.

[titanium21]

Thank you both so much. I’m so grateful for this forum and space to just be me. Have carried this alone for way too long 🙁 so much good advice here about watching for the signs early on etc. I have trauma bonding issues from childhood so aware I have a lot of work to do before I can trust myself to really know what I want or whether I could spot the signs again. x*x

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