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I have recently started working somewhere new and there is a person in the office who looks just like my abusive ex. It is really upsetting me and I feel like it is stopping me from reaching my potential. I can’t focus on anything but him when I am in the office. I don’t want this to ruin this new opportunity for me. Has anyone had anything similar and can offer some advice please?
Thanks so much
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this is a natural response, have you looked up triggering? its like smoke alarms going off – it your instincts picking up on a reminder of a bad experience youve had. Its an association. it might be worth asking if you can move office? its hard to explain to managers etc why you feel like this most people dont understand trauma- you mind find very ignorant attitudes but maybe not:)the thing is you will see him around at some point even if you do move. Therapy might be a good option? im about to start some trauma therapy and i will be addressing this. when i go into the city for work, every single day i see someone who looks similar and i freeze xx a cold sweat comes over me and i feel like im under attack. this is irrational but i actually believe if my ex saw me crossing the road he would mow me down. ive dreamt about this happening many time xx hope this helps your not alone in feeling like this xx
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Thank you so much for your reply, it helps to know that I am not the only person this happens to. Its annoying as I don’t want him to still have an affect on me but he does and its so hard to not get upset/scared/confused when this person is near me. When I was with my ex I had to be on constant alert for his mood changes and his reactions and I feel like this is how I am around this person in the office. I wish I could talk to someone here about it but I’m not sure I want my manager to know.
Thanks so much for taking the time to reply xx
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no at all 🙂 are you feeling ashamed? in time you wont but its all in realising this isnt your fault (at all) have you read why does he do that? its on pdf lundy bancroft. dont be ashamed approach your manager and better still with good knowledge, its there job to listen. it sounds like hes conditioned you im the very same xx dont hold back reach out now xx
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I haven’t read it but I will take a look, thank you sounds like it could be really helpful. I do feel ashamed in a way I guess, also it has been almost (detail removed by moderator) years since I left my husband but still I feel this way so I guess I am disappointed in myself for still not having moved on from it. I feel like I should be able to cope with this better by now xx
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im a few years longer than that i still feel the same as you xx he has two books the second one is encouragement for you its really comforting. listen, your soul has taken a battering, this is one of the worst experiences we can go through as women, it dosent help when we come across people who dont understand this either. Your strong and your here now dealing with this. Thats having endurance and showing everyone you have the strength to go on 🙂 so you can do this also. sounds like its time to get your head round this and start healing xx luv diy xx
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i think first we need to understand what/why this happened, realise its not our fault, find coping mechanisms when we feel down, have support round us professionals/friends. Build ourselves up again (esentially from scratch) find who we are again and get to know what we want from here. Concentrate on us and not feel guilty about that. learn to love ourselves first really xx
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My new (non abusive) boyfriend had a housemate for a few months who looked very like my ex. He actually asked me if I was ok with this man moving in because he was of the same ethnic background and from the same region as my ex. I said I was sure it would be fine – I knew other people from similar backgrounds and didn’t find them triggering. He was a mate of my boyfriend’s and he was temporarily homeless due to the housing crisis in our area. I thought it would be fine. And then I met him and he looked exactly like an older version of my ex. That freaked me out a bit.
I found being around him triggering to start with. Their voices were similar. Their accents were similar. And the physical resemblance was shocking. But in personality they could not have been more different. My abuser was moody, withdrawn and obviously abusive. My boyfriend’s flatmate was friendly and outgoing and kind. In the initial stages I just kept reminding myself “this is Joe Blogs, he is not your abuser, you like Joe Blogs.” With regular exposure I found him less and less triggering. And when he got his own place and moved out a few months later I missed him. Because he was a genuine nice guy who was fun to be around.
So although it was difficult at first I am actually glad my boyfriend had a housemate who I found triggering. Because it helped me get over that trigger. Obviously it depends how serious the trigger is, but could you view having this man in the office as a development opportunity to reduce your triggers? Assuming office man is actually nice and that there aren’t other reasons he triggers you it might actually help long term.
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Hi, thanks so much for sharing your story, yes I would love to be able to use this as a way to move past some of the things I’m dealing with and to begin with I was really determined to do that, just feel like it is so hard now. But I will keep trying and keep reminding myself that this isn’t him.
The things to overcome seem so big at times and I feel exhausted by them. But I am determined to try and stay positive and it helps hearing from others that I am not alone in experiencing this. -
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I would totally agree that good therapy would help. If things are really overwhelming I would also try talking to your GP. It sounds like the man in the office probably isn’t the only thing putting you on edge and that you could do with more support. I didn’t have to deal with regular contact with someone who looked like my ex until my regular trigger level was pretty low. I had already worked through a lot by myself, had been out for over a year, and was otherwise in a pretty good place. I just wanted you to know that it could work out ok sometimes.
It also occurred to me that having a strategy for dealing with triggers really helped me. A good therapist can probably help you work out something better than I came up with. But it might be better than nothing. I started by identifying when I was feeling triggered to myself. Because naming it was helpful. If I could I also named what was triggering me. But that isn’t vital. The vital thing was a go to response to help break me out of the feeling. Something practical which kicked my brain into normal life. Usually I made a cup of tea, which is a nice ritual and gives you time to calm down. If that was impracticable then I would try at least to have a drink of water. This had the double advantage of keeping me hydrated which makes you feel better too. For me something that involved some kind of movement was vital, but I imagine it could just as easily be just to stop and stretch a little, or get up and put something in the bin/filing cabinet/post, to go to the toilet, or any number of other office tasks. Hope this helps, but just ignore it if you don’t think it will. It’s not a recommended route or anything. Just something I found helpful. And not a substitute for decent therapy!
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There is a good book meantime called Mind over Mood. It’s about cognitive behaviour therapy and it might help you to work through why you’re feeling this way and how to retrain your brain to realise it’s not the same person, there is no danger. There’s usually a waiting list for therapy so try to read what you can and keep reaching out here for answers x
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