Losing hope…

[NotYourMaid]

Losing hope. Tired of asking for help and getting nothing, barely nothing, or something long and complicated that boils down to nothing.

I don’t want to keep living like this.

I feel like all my hope is dead.

I don’t want to make any plans, because all the plans I’ve made keep braking.

I just don’t want to keep trying anymore.

I don’t see any way out of this situation.

[NotYourMaid]

It feels like there isn’t a point to try.

I don’t want to try.

I can’t get out of this situation by myself. I keep asking for help and getting nothing.

I need someone to be kind to me. To understand that each day is filled with pain.

I really wish someone would be kind to me…

I really wish someone would help me get out of this situation.

But I don’t want to ask for help anymore.

There isn’t a point of asking for help.

I asked, and asked, and asked.

Yet I am still trapped here.

I am out of strength.

I am out of energy.

I want to curl up and not exist.

 

[NotYourMaid]

I know he doesn’t hit me.

He doesn’t break my things.

He doesn’t call me names.

He doesn’t kick me, choke me, or push me.

So everyone thinks it’s ok. That what I’m going through isn’t so bad.

He won’t talk to me. That’s not a big deal right? Men don’t talk, everyone tells me. But he won’t talk even when I ask him about our needs. He won’t tell me where he works. He won’t tell me how much money he makes. He won’t explain why he works some week days and not others. He gets angry when I ask about anything important, like that.

He won’t look at me. That’s still not so bad right? Everyone tells me. But I’ve cried in front of him, and he’ll just keep staring at his phone. Because I am not important enough for him to look at.

He gets mad at me when he has to pay the bills. But I don’t have a job, so it’s kind of my fault, right?

He barely gives me enough money for food. But that’s ok, because I can still eat, right? Who cares if it’s just carbs, right? Who cares if I can’t afford to buy protein? Like meat, or tofu? Or eggs or fish? Who cares if I can only buy one vegetable, and I have to make it last all week?

I know this is abuse. It just hurts that everyone in the world outside of this forum, acts like what he’s doing isn’t so bad.

[NotYourMaid]

It feels pointless to try and escape…

[3am thinking]

NotYourMaid,

Don’t give up honey.

I know it’s hard and scary, but please don’t give up.

Sending gentle hugs xx

[NotYourMaid]

Thank you! I felt like crying when I read what you wrote. I’ve been feeling so terrible recently. I don’t know what to do! Because I want help. I want it so desperately! But I can’t find it!

So thank you.

Gentle hugs back

[Author]

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