Losing momentum

[iwillbeok]

I’ve come so far, been so strong, found me again…

Only now I feel like its all slipping away. I’m doing all the right things; time off work, cry when I need to, watched some comedy on TV, I’m trying to be gentle with myself… I’m worried I won’t be able to climb out of the pit this time.

The divorce feels like its never going to happen (my logic brain says of course it will end).

My support people have been wonderful – I just want someone to take the pain away. I want to sramp my feet like a toddler and scream at him “It’s not fair! You lied!”.

Iwillbeok (someday) x

[KIP.]

It’s a rollercoaster ride and it all takes time. Play the long game. It does get better. Zero contact and time are the biggest help.

[Serenity]

Hi I Will Be OK,

It’s a long road- and sometimes we feel like it’s all getting on top of us, then we suddenly find a second wind.

At times like this, it’s important to slow down. You don’t need to ‘do’- you just need to ‘be.’

Maybe get back to basics – try the meditative exercise of becoming aware of the physical world. Feel cool grass on your feet, or warm sand- sunshine on your neck…remind yourself that you are a being in your own right, you have as much right to enjoy this world as anyone else- train yourself to have moments of relief where you’re not drawn into his horrible world of mind games- and those moments will become easier to effect as Tim goes on! They don’t deserve to rent a place in our head- so we must aim to try to enjoy moments where they aren’t the focus. I think enjoying the physical world is a great thing to do, since trauma sits in the body.

You’re doing well, I Will Be Ok. My divorce trailed on for ages. It’s now done. This week, O paid my last cheque to the solicitor- to do with the deeds of the house. It’s all done and dusted. You will get to that point too, where there’s no more legal shenanigans. Then you’ll be free simply to develop yourself x

[iwillbeok]

Hi both and thank you for your replies – I did read them at the time and they helped a little. I wrote a reply yesterday but my phone ate it! I’m feeling somewhat better – I feel a little more like myself again but there is still an edge knocked off. A lot of sighing and still ruminating over things. But I am being gentle on myself, taking it easy and just sitting every now and then if that’s what I need to do.

For some morbid reason I decided to look at old letters (?more processing/sense making (not that you can really make sense of their behaviours!)). I came across a diary from the early days of the relationship and there in pen and ink were red flags! That I had noted and promptly ignored! I knew in hindsight that there were red flags but I couldn’t recall noticing any and brushing them aside – this was a looong time ago after all! But I was blown away – there in the middle of a gushingly sentimental diary was a concern and an immediate brushing off! I felt such vindication – like I needed any more evidence really?!?

Further validation came in the form of a document I found buried in the depths of the computer back-up; eons ago just post children. I had clearly been reading a book on co-dependency – and here were notes of some exercises at the end of the chapter. I had written “I’m not crazy – I’m co-dependent.” The f**k I was – I wasn’t crazy, I was being abused! Again, written in my words, projecting his behaviours (passive aggressive, controlling, etc) onto myself! I tried all sorts of “self-help” to “fix myself” over the years – co-dependency, de-cluttering, budhism for mothers, the rules for life, blah, blah, blah! I was trying so hard to fix something in me that I couldn’t fix – because it wasn’t me, it was him! I can remember following rows where he turned everything around to be my fault, begging him to help me change!

My continual need to keep reminding myself/understanding abuse (even though I had already had my break-through moment in counselling) is getting a bit tiresome. Its like I need it as a reminder to keep strong, just long enough to get through the divorce. But I don’t want to use his abuse as my strength – I want to, need to, find my own inner strength. I guess this is where people say they don’t want to be defined by their experience of and survival from abuse.

Thanks for reading,

Iwillbeok x

[KIP.]

I’m happy to be defined by my survival. But I won’t be defined as a victim. I’m proud I survived what was a living hell. 30 women a day attempt suicide because of abuse in the U.K. 2 per week succeed and 3 are murdered by a current or previous partner. So it’s an honour to be defined as a survivor. Every day I’m breathing is another day I won. Another day he lives in fear of being outed as an abuser again.

[iwillbeok]

KIP,

Your reply gave me goosebumps. Maybe for all my healing, growing and moving on, there is still a lingering denial and minimisation of what he did to me; a desire to push it all down because it all hurts too much. The fear I still have of him; that he will manipulate himself into a position of power over me in the divorce.

And then as a result I get last week – where my mind says enough; you can’t ignore this anymore and just shuts down.

I am still part victim; part survivor. My support people say how strong I’ve been and how I’ve gone through a lot and I just give a wry smile and a small nod. I still don’t own my story.

Iwillbeok x

[Copperflame]

Hi Iwillbeok,

Recovery from abuse is a long road and not without its pitfalls. My divorce from my first abuser (I didn’t marry the second) took forever because of all the spanners he threw into the works, but I got there in the end and you will too.

While it’s important to be responsible for our own behaviour, I think our problem is we also take responsibility for the abuser’s behaviour, which of course suits him just fine! Yes I’ve been reading the codependency books as well, but I think it’s part of the journey of recovery to explore things and find out about yourself. By reading books like this you come to realise that no, it’s not you, you are being abused plain and simple and it’s not your fault. Serenity and KIP’s advice is very wise. It’s some time since I left my abuser, but I’ve recently ended a relationship with a very self-centred man who saw me as a convenience, and at a similar time ended an unhealthy female friendship. We live and learn, but that’s ok as long as we keep moving forward, even if there are times when it feels as if we’re going in reverse. The pain and loneliness are excruciating, but with time they do get better.

Love Copperflame xx

[freedomtochoose]

It seemed appropriate to post this lovely poem by David Whyte…hope it speaks to some

THE WELL OF GRIEF
Those who will not slip beneath
the still surface on the well of grief,
turning down through its black water
to the place we cannot breathe,
will never know the source from which we drink,
the secret water, cold and clear,
nor find in the darkness glimmering,
the small round coins,
thrown by those who wished for something else.

[White Rose]

It’s a bit like a rollercoaster, a bit like a marathon but both end one with relief you’ve got off the other with a medal!
Keep plodding on and keep your eye on the end point.
Set aside some “me time”. Doesn’t have to expensive – small bunch of flowers, a new shower gel, a nice cookie to have with a cuppa – something just for you.
Get early nights that way if it takes you 3 hours to get to sleep it’s not 4am when you finally drop off!
And if it helps by all means scream and shout and stamp your feet. I used to go for a drive find a quiet road and literally scream till I was hoarse. It helped.

[iwillbeok]

Thank you for your lovely replies. I feel like I’m slowly clawing my way out. Am going really easy on myself – this is a slower bounce back than I’ve had before and I don’t want to rush it only to fall straight back in the pit.

Someone in my family (can’t recall who) used to say ‘slowly, slowly catchy monkey’ – it seems to fit right now. 🐒🐒🐒

Iwillbeok x

[Author]

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